The Room

After nearly a decade of family and friends consistently inquiring "have you seen The Room yet", I finally sat my ass down and found a website hosting the film ad free and uncut for my viewing pleasure. I still didn't fully know what to expect from this piece procured by Tommy Wiseau because somehow after nine years of being assaulted with questions of watching this thing, I still never bothered to look up any clips, scenes or trailers that had anything to do with The Room. I don't know if that had anything to do with the overwhelming amount of mental shoving when it came to this particular cult phenom, but usually with me when a large group of people seem to gravitate towards something and keep bothering me to get involved with it, I tend to distance myself from said activity on purpose because I almost feel like I'm being forced into it. Maybe I finally became sick of it or maybe my curiosity got the better of me this time but either way, last night was finally the right time to experience this disasterpiece of cinema from the disaster artist himself and see what the fuck everyone has been pushing me around about for the better part of a decade. Truly, I don't even know where to begin to even describe how I felt while absorbing this abomination, but the worst film ever made The Room is not. I have seen far, far worse zits and zombies and to be fair I did laugh quite a bit because the acting doesn't really exist in this world of photographed spoons, navel sex and football tossing and really this should be digested in good fun.

Except maybe the ending. That was actually kind of dark. Predictable, but dark.

Cinematography was way to straight and dull, dialogue is absolutely vomit inducing and what little plot there is has holes so damn big you could walk a fucking white elephant through them and still have space left for the rest of the caravan and some pack mules carrying extra shit that you probably didn't need but you brought along for the ride anyway just-in-case. I'm not going to say that this film is great. It isn't. What I am going to say however is that it is an experience of a lifetime that you'll never forget. With the infamous "Oh, hai Mark!" rooftop scene, the execution of the "You're tearing me apart, Lisa!" line and the horrendously delicious cut where Tommy goes into the flower shop for an $18 dozen roses certainly gets the blood pumping because it's all so poorly constructed that this piece of art HAD to become a cult bomb that blew probably just as big as The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The Room has been in circulation in select theaters around the world for just over 15 years now and it's fan base only keeps growing as the years go on. Fascinating stuff, really. 

Rice-R-Roni. The San Fransisco treat.

You don't... you don't take a nap with another guy.

Two's great but three's a crowd. Wow.

Who the hell wrote this music? Sweet Jesus.

All of this overacting is making my eyes bleed.... dear God.

Lisa loves Mark, Lisa loves Mark.

Two sex scenes within the first 17 minutes, complete with shitty RnB music and romance novel quality softcore porn. There aren't enough words to write down.

Hey Denny, back for more perverted voyeurism?

     "I'm tired, I'm wasted. I love you darling."

Again with the sex. Third time. 26 minutes.

You're worried about Lisa-I'm worried about this movie.

"Oh, hai Mark."

Leaving your underwear at someone else's place after getting freaky-yeah, "that's life".

The Room simply is a film that shouldn't have went anywhere. The sheer number of bullet holes, mistakes and errors that make up this mess of cinematic history clearly is what conjures up something like this to be unique and fun to sit through. And with what's left of my dead, blackened heart-I'm all for it. I can come to the conclusion zits and zombies that I actually dug this flick despite every little putrid thing that is wrong with it that should have made it tank actually helped it to triumph in the end, and with a passion project like this, for Tommy Wiseau it's what put him on the map and etched him in the annals of time and space as an artist. And I'm sure he's plenty thankful for it. Now where's that damn box of spoons... I had them all ready to go so I can throw them at the screen when I go to the next showing here in Illinois. Shit. Alright, I'll talk to you undead bastards later.