Garden Tool Massacre has plenty of enthusiasm, it just lacks the energy. The laziness of the production here drags this thing's feet across the barren asphalt that it sits on and doesn't have the overall strength to pick itself back up to start running. Or to even slightly attempt to take a brisk walk. I'm a big fan of SOV horror and I wanted to enjoy Garden Tool Massacre, but it lobs it's own genitals off before it even gives itself a chance at reproducing. That's a sad and depressing wave to layer on top of this shot in the dark from 1997, and darkness is no stranger to this flick. Pretty much every scene here is so freaking black you can barely see what's happening, and on top of that (which is the worst part here) is the audio. Sweet Moses is the audio ever horrendous. I honestly had no idea that this was a British offering until the first two nit wits you see onscreen after the opening start flapping their canker sore infested mouths about some guy named Mike coming over to the house and surprisingly, the fat guy doesn't want to eat any toast. Or anything for that matter. Actually, I don't think I saw him even go near any food at all which also made me push this down further into my blackened bathtub of muddied water. If there's a fat guy in your movie, he needs to eat something. It feels awkward if he doesn't. Besides that nonsense, there's an astonishing amount of kills that are on screen here with some decent gore and even a random guy that has no dialogue, sitting on the floor playing Duke Nukem 3D on some console. You can never clearly see it, but he's playing it on the t.v. in the living room and does get killed by the garden tool killer dude. His actual character name is Charles Scavolini, but let's be real here-in an SOV titled Garden Tool Massacre, names of people don't matter. The gore, nudity and specific charm do.
Charles Scavolini decides one night to stand creepily outside his own bedroom window while his wife is sleeping soundly in their bed-steps inside slowly after an insanely strong lens flare blinds the cameraman, and proceeds to stab her repeatedly. After he kills the dumbest orderly and security guard ever hired by a mental facility, he's back out to kill the young dumbasses that have started to rent or buy (or whatever) the house that him and his wife used to live in before he decided to slay her with a knife instead of his penis. Yeah, I said that. The fat guy and the other guy throw the absolute lamest party I would have ever walked out on after playing some Duke with the guy sitting on the floor because fuck getting my head chopped off with either an electric hedge trimmer or manual ones. Normally I really dig awful SOV flicks like this, but this one just doesn't have it. It doesn't live up to it's names full potential like it should and that is seriously disappointing. There is eventually a Garden Tool Massacre, but it's not as gory or as graphic as I hoped it would be. The cover art kicks ass though. I'll give it kudos for that.
Wow, what a lens flare.
Don't get turned on, just stab her!
Aren't you going to scream?
C'mon Melvin, keep moppin' that floor.
Yeah, um-so, how do you knock a guy out just by holding his head up against the wall?
The phone never rang and yet you pick it up and start talking to someone on the other end. Ooookay.
So far, no one has been killed by any garden tools. Only kitchen knives.
I'm surprised the fat guy doesn't want any toast.
When did British guys start wearing sombreros?
Let's look for bottles of liquor in the garage-in real time!
I hope you guys get slaughtered with shears and an electric hedge trimmer so this movie can kind of live up to it's name.
That ring tone sounds like Solid Snake's radio in Metal Gear Solid.
Zits and zombies, as much of a fan of SOV as I am, I still didn't get into this one to much. It doesn't have the pizzazz of the Video Violence films and certainly lacks the gore and kills of something like Killing Spree or on the more extreme side of things-Black Past or The Burning Moon. All of those films are above and beyond anything that you would expect a filmmaker that has no budget and no idea what they are doing going to be able to pull off, and that's ultimately why I'm going to make Garden Tool Massacre sit in the corner facing the wall instead of joining the rest of the kids for recess because unfortunately, it's the child that no one wants to play with. Sure, it will gain some friends out of pity and poor taste, but it's not climbing to the upper echelon of this group and it's certainly getting picked last to be on anyone's kickball team. Hey teach, where's the hall pass? I gotta take a piss and maybe wank for a minute. These strange feelings are building up inside and I have to let them out. This boy is searching for something better.
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