A little over a month ago, my younger brother Mike came by a few hours before he had a hot date to watch a shit movie with my wife and I. We trudged on down into my basement and started to browse my collection. He suggested Leprechaun 2. I already knew I could do better. Wide eyed, I whipped out Things and Sledgehammer. He laughed at the cover of Things. A guy with a horrible mullet, power drill and an unkempt mustache? I knew he'd fall for it. I blurted out "I immediately regret suggesting this movie." They asked why. I was actually kind of scared that they would belittle me for owning Things. But they laughed and cried and enjoyed it more than I expected them to. Maybe they're just as mentally unstable as I am. We gobbled up two whole pizzas and drank some fine wine. Laughing out loud I said to my brother, "I hope this doesn't kill the mood for your date." Mike replied "This just made my date even better and I haven't even met this girl yet." I knew I was a matchmaker. This movie proves that dating sites such as Plenty of Fish and E-Harmony have no place in society. I still got married and Mike is still dating. I guess love does conquer all.
Mullets, coats in freezers and putrid voice dubbing galore.
Make me a cheese and bread sandwich.
Watching Things is kind of like going to a rave or a LSD party without the drugs. You really don't need them to watch this "movie." Or maybe you do. It might actually make sense afterwards. Basically, one of the guys in this movie wants to have a child so bad he dreams about some weird chick wearing a devil mask taking her clothes off and giving him a baby. He also subjected his wife to some sort of experimental impregnation or something-or-other.
Along the way though, anything and everything that could possibly happen in a fever dream seems to happen. They watch some very shitty movie called "Groundhog's Day Massacre", add water to bottles of beer to make them taste better, put their coats in the freezer and take a tape recorder and a satanic book out of the freezer.
Some guy strapped to a chair gets his eyes ripped out of their sockets if I remember correctly and a guy with fruity looking glasses and a pedo-stache laughs like Wario. The Things pop out of the guys wife's stomach and it basically gets more ridiculous after that happens. Amber Lynn reads some non-nonsensical news in between power drills and mini chainsaws get employed along with really shitty Dario Argento lighting and lots of stupid over dubbing and yelling. Lots of yelling. And a song that keeps playing over and over (25x) again that has lyrics that say "you got yourself in a tailspiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnn". I fucking hate that song. It drives me nuts.
What makes me laugh more than anything though is that there is actually a dedicated group of people that are fans of this film to the point of calling themselves "Thing-ites.' Now that's extreme. That's like me being an RPG fan and getting into LARPING. Even though I have watched this movie probably at least seven or eight times, I still don't consider myself a Thing-ite. Probably because it's not my favorite movie of all time like those guys. I just like it because it makes me laugh when I need it. And I have a life. Sort of.
Oh, I forgot. Those blue curtains you see at the beginning of the movie hanging on the inside of the front door of the house are shower curtains. Now that's some seriously genius interior decorating.
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