City of the Living Dead

Foreign films in general are hit or miss for me, but when it comes to horror, the Italians sure know how to throw a party. Who am I kidding, they're Italians! Of course they know how to throw a party! They always manage to have plenty of violence, gore, uneasy atmosphere and crazy plot for a complete package such as the Italian zombie classick, City of the Living Dead. If you haven't seen this one yet, the brutal death scenes alone are worth a dvd or blu-ray purchase for your sweet little horror grotto. I'm sure you've seen (at the very minimum) the GIF where a power drill is going through the side of some dude's head. Well, that scene is from this film. And seeing it in the context of the movie is even better than just watching a looped version over and over again. Not only that, but there's also a scene where a woman literally pukes up ALL (and I do mean ALL) of her internal organs. Enticed yet? You should be. As a horror flick, I already stated that this is a classic. You need a copy of this. You want a copy of this. Your brain is sweating just thinking about it. Just don't go near any power drills.

   Priest needs a nap.

I wish I had that noose with me at work sometimes.

Fire plumes, I mean... out of the floor?

An auto-inflating blow up doll? I never even knew anything like that existed.

A psychological lesbian is born.

Cat scratch fever.

Going down-six feet.

That's fucked up. Being buried alive and all.

Bob is a damn coward.

Well, that was fucking brutal. Organs through the mouth.

"I'm hungry." "Good. There's a lollipop in the glove box."

This guy wastes no time.

Demons?! Lasers?! Open doors?! What the hell is going on in this Italian horror flick?

Bleeding walls. Nice touch.

There's no way to get around just how perfect this zombie movie is, and it's all because of the masterwork of Italian horror director, Lucio Fulci. The man was legendary, and put out some of the best: City of the Living Dead, Zombie 2, The Beyond, New York Ripper and A Cat in the Brain just name a few. If you've ever wanted to delve into the world of foreign horror, but didn't know where to start, start with something from Fulci, Bava or Argento. You won't regret it or me. I'm off for a bowl of spaghetti. That's Amore'.

The Funhouse Massacre (Blu-ray)

With online and various other horror news outlets, I had heard of this indie with Robert Englund being a fun joy ride of a film that was played at many horror movie screenings and conventions. This movie already had a solid fan base before I had even heard of it, so I was immediately drawn in to either renting it or wanting a copy. So, of course, being a collector, I bought it on blu-ray because that sort of thing is possible these days. I really just kind of expected the same run of the mill shit from this offering: a haunted house that is put together around Halloween time where people are actually being killed and no one really notices or thinks twice. And, to be fair, that's really what this film is. Is it well directed? Yes. Is it well filmed? Yes. Is it well acted? Yes, yes and yes. Clint Howard is even in it, so that makes up for something as well. And while I did enjoy it, there wasn't anything to me personally that made me consider it as a cult classic or anything, but I'm sure some zits or zombies out there probably think just that. Kudos to you.    

Robert Englund. We meet again.

 "There are people here that even God is afraid of."

Animal the Cannibal. Serving customers to customers.

I present to you, Clint Howard!

 Overactive imagination.

Just ask her out you pussy.

"Sexy Hillary Clinton"?! Yeah, because that's a hot costume.

 Sometimes, people eating food in a movie is just disgusting.

You don't want kids sneaking in for free. You also don't want them sneaking in to play Pokemon' Go either. Brats.

Black light art kicks ass.

Stop with that hashtag shit.

Hell yeah, playing some NES in the police station!

Funnel cake sounds good.

Aww. How romantic.

He hit the bell! Tell him what he's won, Johnny!

As stated earlier, The Funhouse Massacre is fun, but it's limited. It just felt like a middle line horror flick that we've all seen before. Maybe it's the cast, maybe it's the cinematography and the colorful, crisp look of it... who knows. But this film has a fan base and now I'm kind of part of it. If you're in the mood for a haunted house flick where people actually get killed by a cannibal and a sadistic dentist, then look no further. But I wouldn't push it past curiosity. I'm late for a cavity filling. Oops. 

The Final Girls (Blu-ray)

Ever since I randomly ran across the dvd of The Final Girls at Walmart when it was first released, I had to see it or get my leprosy laced hands on a copy. It just looked like something that had to be a part of my collection. I finally ended up buying it on blu-ray at Best Buy fairly recently, and it looks good among the other blu's that I have. Like it was always supposed to be there. Kind of like how the movie itself plays out. Like it was always supposed to be there. Sort of. It's kind of a healthy mix of every 80's slasher there ever was, balled up into a mass of comedy and horror. More comedy than horror is more like what I should say here. Is it worth it? Oh, yeah. It sure is. Especially if you're a fan of 80's horror no matter if it's slasher or not, this is a flick that needs to be taken in at least once. There's a plethora of eye candy here including Malin Akerman, Angela Trimbur, Chloe Bridges... pretty much all of the females are nice to look at except one or two and Thomas Middleditch who plays Fuzzy in Fun Size is in here as well. Great cast, great acting, not as many kills as I would have liked but overall this is a horror homage that has to be seen. It's fantastico'.

     God, I love the 80's.

Nice list of horror. Chopping Mall included.

 I wish I could throw my bills out the window while I was driving.

CGI car accident. Budget not high enough for a real one?

Oh man, this dude was from Fun Size! Awesome!

 Fucking social media.

Wow, a cherry thief. I didn't laugh.

Last Action Hero?!

Funkalicious.

I'd love to help you pick strawberries.

"I can't believe were going to casually watch someone get murdered. What is this, Detroit?"

Well, Paula... I think you've given me the gift of a boner.

Billy Murphy is a blatant Jason rip off. I'm ok with it.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahha!!! I'm sorry, but Kurt's death was fucking hysterical!

Kurt is a dumbass in this film anyway. I was waiting for his ass to get killed, and the way he goes out is just undeniably hilarious. I had to pause the movie I was laughing so hard. One of the girls and he are trying to get away from Billy in a car and they smash into something while driving and just the way his body flies out of the windshield onto the ground is just... there's no real way to say it here. You just have to see it. I'd say that any of you following me on my site would enjoy this movie immensely. Just remember, there's one girl at the end who kills Billy, Kurt's death is hilarious and Tina is hot. Go watch it.  

Die Cheerleader Die

 

Ok. I'm sorry, zits and zombies. I know there has been sort of a small hiatus or gap in my upkeep on this site. My wife and I have been extraordinarily busy as of the last couple of weeks and I haven't gotten around to really watching or writing anything. So for that, I apologize. I do want to keep going with this insanity. For you. For me. For the good of the horror community. I'm probably not that crucial to the community, but, you know... whatever.

Remember a few posts ago when I wrote about a really shit-tastic film called Psycho Beach Party and I said that at that moment it was my number one worst of the year so far? Well, it has been dethroned. Hard. In my naive viewings as of late, I really didn't think I was going to find any movie that was going to top it. Zits and zombies, I found it. Die Cheerleader Die. Wow. It's the one where I couldn't finish it. I made it about 35 minutes in and I bowed out. It was over. I had lost to many brain cells and at the same time I had enough notes to write a full post on here about it. What does that say? It says that there is enough crap factor in this film to write a multi-part segment about it. But I wasn't about to embark on that quest. That's something I dare not go through. So here's 35 minutes of my notes. I hope it turns you off from this drivel.

These chicks are way to old to be cheerleaders.

I can feel the enthusiasm.

Wow. Just wow. I've never seen such an un-energetic kill in a horror flick before.

Fucking nerd.

Being popular is a PR gig you dumbass.

P.I.G.'s- Pretty, Intelligent Girls. Sure, I guess.

Another film where all of the females are fugly and the guys look like douches.

Pointless, lame kill again.

There's no way this nerdy kid would ever get a job in a porn shop.

Relax by going to a club. That makes no sense.

A club with three tables and no chairs. Yeah, maybe not.

You didn't notice your boyfriend was strangled to death while you were giving him a BJ?! 

 I can't believe that I was able to pull that many notes from less than half the film. The other thing about this "movie" is that there is absolutely no way to get past how stiff the acting is. It just simply can't be done. My advice to you (and I will be re-posting this again in my top 5 worst of the year in November) is to just stay away from Die Cheerleader Die. Completely. Don't even acknowledge that it exists. If I can't even make it half way, then you probably won't either. Good day.

Hellhole (Escape from Hellhole)

I didn't even know this is what happened until I started watching Hellhole for you guys here on Cinema Slayer, but this isn't the 80's trash film that I thought it was going to be. I was betrayed. Lied to. Lead on. Tricked in. You get the point. The movie on dvd that I actually bought is Escape from Hellhole which is a completely different film. And that makes me angry and sad at the same time because it feels like I fell for false advertising. Dumb me. The movie I did end up watching however was just kind of slow and weird and just conveyed a sense of unnecessary depravity. It's a film that goes all the way with prostitution and human trafficking without even actually saying that's what it is. You have to figure that out on your own. Oooh, a puzzle. Not really. For the first 25 minutes it felt like this film was going nowhere and was really ready to turn it off, but something kept making me watch anyway. Maybe it was my insomnia. Maybe it was because I was bored. Who knows.

Pervert. Peeping tom. Whatever.

Probably the worst story build up ever put on celluloid.

Dear Lord the music. (puts a plastic bag over my head)

What a couple of sleazy motherfuckers.

"Do you think she's a virgin?"

This music is so out of place, I can't stand it.

Dat cocaine though.

  Yeah, hit a woman. You're a real man now.

Fat henchmen never do their jobs properly.

A women's slave camp where they are tortured and whipped for not listening to M.G. Ok. Time to get out my 12 gauge.

Try and act like a human?! How can you say that in a place like that?!

A very slow and unenthusiastic walk down the aisle. It's so touching.

The number 18 is on fire. A bunch of women are dancing around it. One of them hasn't shaved their armpits in a while. She also slits her own wrists and stabs herself in the stomach. This concludes my sanity being relevant.

I truly wish that this was the movie that I thought it was because of the cover on the dvd that I bought, but it isn't. I was duped. The movie I did get, however, was just really something I didn't really need to sit through. Escape from Hellhole just should be buried somewhere off the east coast and forgotten about for the rest of time. No good can come from watching this film other than questioning your own morality and principles as a man. And yes, my sanity has become irrelevant. 

House of Fears

 

House of Fears is another random film of my choosing on Hulu Plus. Another mediocre, run of the mill haunted house affair that just ended up being sub-par, witless and dull towards the end. It really didn't do to much for me other than killing about an hour and twenty minutes of my time that I could have used better playing games on my PS4 or going to bed earlier than usual. It was really just kind of a meh version of a much better haunted house flick by the name of Scare Zone that I wrote a post about on here sometime last year. I honestly don't remember any of the characters names, much about any of the kills, the story or really anything that has to do with this movie. The cover art made me think it was going to be some kind of a rip-off of IT or something because clowns. And I hate clowns. They're just fucking creepy. 

 

I hope it's an "original" story.

 

Hidden treasures!

 

Brutalized with a pick-axe. Sweet.

 

You just now noticed all the dead bodies and severed heads?

 

"My insurance doesn't cover hormones!" I like it.

 

I love it when fathers embarrass their daughters. It makes me giggle.

 

Dude. This chick is not hot. She weighs all but 90 lbs.

 

    This haunted house looks pretty badass.

"Push like you got a pair."

Devon is a tough guy douche that doesn't know how to have a good time.

 

You bunch of jackasses, you couldn't help Candice up? 

Ah, ah, ah, you didn't say the magic word!

The magic word for this movie zits and zombies is dull. Or flat. No personality. There really isn't anything that makes this film memorable or pop out at you to make you re-visit it. It's just kind of there for no real good reason other than just taking up a streaming spot in the horror section on Hulu Plus. That's a shame, but not every horror cell can be a masterpiece and not everyone of them can be so bad that it makes you want to ram your head through the wall either. So, I guess House of Fears kind of just sits in horror purgatory where horror fanatics will watch it once out of curiosity and move on. Sorry. 

Sweet Evil

I'm sure pretty much all of you zits and zombies have seen the Adam Sandler comedy classic Billy Madison which stars a very sexy and very sweet Bridgette Wilson. I'll watch anything that has her in it as the main actress because she's hot. That's the main draw here. That's honestly the only reason why I even considered picking up the copy of this film that I bought recently. I saw that she was the main selling point on the cover of the dvd and thought to myself "A horror/thriller type movie with Bridgette Wilson. I have to see this." It wasn't too pricey either. Maybe 4 or 5 bucks. I had no clue what kind of a twisted, psychotic ride I was about to embark upon. It makes me think twice about having a surrogate mother if for some reason my wife and I can't conceive. Jenny is just all out insane, and her character is one of those that you end up really despising by the time this whole thing is over. Is this film well put together? Hell yes. The acting, camera work and situations that these people go through in this movie is just daunting. I'm just glad I don't live in a trailer.

Bridgette Wilson and Peter Boyle? I'm stoked!

Murder your daddy in a camper.

How dare you pour that beer down the drain?

That was a rager.

I don't trust this surrogacy guy.

C'mon Jenny, what are you banging this old bastard for?

Get busy.

Dude, you don't want to know the real story.

Their house is fuckin' sick!!

Man, Jenny needs her head checked.

I'm pretty sure that drinking while you're pregnant is a bad idea. But that's just my opinion.

Oooooooookkkkkkkk.... drawing a sad face around your belly button to show that "the baby is sad" is just damn weird.

Don't do it Mike. You're better than that.

The scenes towards the end of the film are the ones that really make you cringe and second guess if you yourself even want to have kids. I personally was disturbed by the scene where Jenny goes into Mike's room while he's sleeping and starts spraying the shit out of the room with Raid because "she saw a fly and didn't want it hurting the baby." The baby hasn't even been born yet and you're going to be huffing in Raid fumes, not to mention you've already drank a bunch of wine as well. This fetus is going to be disfigured from the beginning. Also, just how the scene was acted out where Jenny draws a frowning face around her belly button with lipstick was just out there. Bridgette Wilson was excellent in this film and I was very surprised at how well everything was executed. Give this a spin if you have the chance, and please, drink your beer instead of pouring it down the drain. Thank you.