Illicit Dreams (vhs)

Alright John. I know that back when you bought these tapes when Hollywood Video and Blockbuster were closing, you were just looking for movies that you could see ass and titties in. I get it. I'm a man. But, there's just no excuse for the horribly oaken acting, weak ass plot and just downright boring level to this film that I actually kept going in and out of falling asleep. T&A just isn't a good enough reason. If only you would've known how easy it was going to be to watch porn online these days, owning this movie would be something you wouldn't have to be burdened with. Ugh. Oh well, at least when I'm done watching the last two movies you lent me, I'll never have to see this ever again.

This might be the one and only time I'll ever watch a Shannon Tweed movie.

Psychics and tarot cards are full of shit.

The perfect scene for Ron Burgundy and the channel 4 news team to start singing "afternoon delight."

I'll be honest, the brunette that this dude is banging is way hotter than Shannon Tweed.

Shannon's husband is an uptight prick.

   That is a fantastic looking victorian house.

I love how Shannon's husband wants her to be followed to find out if she's having an affair, but he's banging his secretary. What a hypocritical piece of shit.

Being depressed and alone is a lot better most of the time.

Now I think I've seen Shannon's boobs as many times as Gene Simmons has.

 After about the fourth or fifth slow motion dream sequence, I kept drifting in and out of sleep. I should've just went to sleep to be quite honest, but I can't do that. I have to do this for you guys and for myself. I needed to let you guys know and to remind John of how boring this movie is so he never watches it again and so you guys skip over it. Thanks for your time. I'd rather waste mine than yours.

Night Vision (vhs)

Continuing on and finally getting towards the end of this bag of vhs tapes my friend John gave me awhile ago to watch through, Night Vision starring Fred Williamson was next in line. This film rocked! It felt like the good old days when I used to watch 80's and 90's action flicks with my dad on the weekend when I was still in elementary school. Except with more nudity. I really don't know much about Fred Williamson, but after watching this I definitely want to dig around and see more of his movies in this vain. So freaking entertaining. Guns being shot, alcohol, pointless sex, cops being assholes. You know. Usual cheesy old school action flick type stuff.

Fred Williamson as a cop, with a stogie and a twinkie with candles stuck in it for his birthday. This is going to be a great flick.

So, this guy ran this chick over with his van, but in such a way that she just "falls" right underneath it. That's ludicrous. 

Who goes into a liquor store and buys a shit-ton of twinkies and Barq's root beer??

This is the emptiest freeway I've ever seen.

He's really shooting a grenade launcher at Fred Williamson as he chases him down the freeway?

"Smells like you died in here."

"Do you wash out your rubbers too?" This guy is such a dick!

There are quite a few people in this movie that always have a cigar in their mouth.

HEADSHOT!!

I'm not racist, but there are a lot of black cops in this movie.

This film was a ton of fun to watch and it had me laughing out loud more than a few times because of really dumb dialog or just crazy things that happen throughout. If you've never seen or heard of this movie before, it would fit right in on your shelf next to the likes of pretty much any 80's Arnold/Stallone/Norris/Van Damme movie that everyone has seen millions of times before. And that by no means is a bad thing. If I find a vhs or dvd copy of this somewhere on my game and movie hunting exploits, it will be picked up. Guaranteed. 

 

The Slaughterhouse Massacre

Sweet Jesus, I need to stop doing this to myself. I've been watching a lot of duds lately and it's primarily because I'm actively trying to find horror movies that are scraping the bottom of the blood barrel. I want to find movies that I can't enjoy on the same level as Things because they are just that shitty. The front cover of this bag o' trash claims that it's "More frightening than The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." Huh. Ha. Hhahahhahhahahhahhhhaaaahhahhhahhaaaaaahhhhahhahhahhhaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Insert as many wailing cackles and deep gutted laughs as you can folks because this piece of shit doesn't even touch the immortality that is Tobe Hooper's all time horror masterpiece! Not even fucking close! How dare the "label" that distributed this "film" paste such a horrific claim on the front of this ghastly work of shit?! That quote is more frightening than the movie itself. Wow. No words in the history of language have ever gone this far. What a disgrace to the horror genre.

This goth chick wants to bang in the slaughterhouse where all the animals get killed. I think not.

"Gross, I'm never eating dog food ever again." Priceless.

Seriously, how can she be turned on by dead, rotting animals hanging around everywhere. I wouldn't be able to handle the smell.

That transition from 1993 to present day was pretty damn weak.

I hope this lesbian make out/undressing scene never ends.

I actually think it would be cool to explore an abandoned town.

This doesn't turn into a shitty found footage movie, does it?

No one who worked on writing the screenplay for this could think of anything better than saying a rhyme three times to make this jackass come back to life? Really?

The special fx for Bobby getting chopped in half were pretty horrible.

A fat sheriff? Awesome!

That's it. There it is. The only redeeming thing in this atrocity to man kind was the fucking fat sheriff that showed up toward the end of the movie for maybe 2 or 3 minutes. I can't believe it. I found a second movie that's pretty much on the same level as Curse on Blanchard Hill. And it's on Netflix. For the love of Jesus Christ, your family, your girlfriend, boyfriend, goldfish, iguana, hippo, giraffe and whoever else you are related to avoid this monstrosity at all costs. If someone suggests you watch this, apologize and then proceed to punch them in the face. This movie has no atmosphere, no urgency, no acting, no scares, stupid characters and THE FUCKING WORST horror villain of ALL TIME. That's right. OF ALL TIME. I've said enough. 

  

Tusk

Look. Kevin Smith is a director that I've never really cared for anything that he's done. Mallrats wasn't funny. The Clerks movies are stupid. Jay and Silent Bob just take up space. Now, I've never seen Red State, but apparently that was Kevin Smith's first foray into the horror world. I've heard from a few people that even if you're not a Smith fan, you'd like it anyway for what it is and it's completely different from what he's done before. Much like what I've heard a million times about Tusk, except Tusk is way more fucked up. And the whole thing is a joke. I guess on one of his podcasts, he took a poll to see if people would be interested in seeing a horror movie that involved a walrus? I guess?? Correct me if I'm wrong (as I usually am).

Haley Joel Osment got fat.

The "Kill Bill Kid" video is really great!

The airport security guard is the main guy from Epic Meal Time!

Howard's home decor is sick. I like the suits of armor and the medieval brickwork.

I love how Howard has a walrus dick displayed on his wall.

"Sweet whistling Christ."

"I miss the guy that gets baked and cries watching Winnie the Pooh." That's hilarious.

Howard is fucked up.

This is kind of like the book/movie Misery by Stephen King. Except with a walrus.

Psychologically damaged doesn't even come close to describing the idea behind this film.

Why didn't Howard just buy or import a real walrus instead of ruining Wallace's life?

This movie actually disturbed me on more than one level. You really have to be a mentally broken individual to kidnap people and surgically transform them into a walrus with human skin. I can't mentally grasp that idea. It's just so messed up. And I think that's why I actually liked this movie. Smith actually made a movie that I actually can commend him for. And of all the animals to pick, a walrus? I don't think I've ever seen that before. Not in horror or otherwise. Props to you son. I think I might actually buy this on blu-ray.   

Wolfcop

I knew right away when I saw this was added to Netflix recently that I had to watch this. The film poster/artwork and just the name Wolfcop screamed "Cinema Slayer, add this to your list!" 98% of the time, my fun loving, b-movie sniffing nose never fails. I think I've talked about this before. Anyway, a cop that turns into a werewolf and shoots bad guys while screwing a hot bartender chick named Jessica that turns out to be some old lady shape shifter reptilian thing in a cult??? My kind of film! Try saying all of that while playing chubby bunny around a camp fire. People are going to choke.

Wake up late, slug a beer, look at your half naked girlfriend sleeping and throw on your police uniform. Best morning ever.

Every cop out there probably has a desk drawer full of aspirin and random alcohol bottles.

"Is this that bigfoot sex tape?"

If I was a cop in Woodhaven, I'd probably be drunk all the time too.

There's always a cult in the woods somewhere.

I don't know how I would feel about a pentagram carved into my chest.

Did they really have to show Lou's dick as he transforms into a werewolf? That was unnecessary.

Finally, I've seen a movie where the dialog has the word Lyncanthropy in it.

The special effects for when Lou turns into a werewolf are cheesy but fantastic.

Did this guy just snort a few lines of pop rocks?

Old school werewolf rules-you can't kill him unless you use silver bullets!

That meth barn went BOOM!!

I really enjoyed Wolfcop. And there is going to be a sequel. I can't wait for it! This initial one had a quick pace, the story moved fast enough so you had to be involved and it was about 78 minutes long. It didn't even come close to dragging on too long or over staying it's welcome. I think being a werewolf would be badass. And I think you checking out Wolfcop would be the same. 

Nurse 3D

Nurse 3D is another random movie I saw at some point on blu-ray and dvd at Walmart during one of the many late night portal jumps (People of Walmart-the portal opens at 10:30pm!) my wife and I used to do when living in Champaign. I was sort of intrigued by the minimalistic cover art with it being pure white with Paz's face on it, smiling ever so seductively and innocently at the same time. After it hit Netflix recently, I remembered it that particular night and put it on my list to watch it for this ever going blog that I have been keeping up with. I'm pretty glad I didn't blind buy it. That would've been a mistake. I probably would've returned it the next night. And I never return ANYTHING.

I absolutely love that see-through outfit that Abby is wearing.

Slutty nurse with a purpose-I dig it!

Damn, it's sexy time in the ER!

Niecy Nash? That's awesome!

Abby wearing nothing but a bra is so hoooooooooottttttttttttt....

Normally bad acting doesn't bother me, but in this movie it just gets in the way of everything else.

I'm not opposed to the lesbian material in this film so far, but I really just want to see more of Abby killing these cheating bastards.

Larry deserved it.

The overall feel of this film is kind of like a graphic novel.

The new HR director is way too fake and happy.

There were plenty of scenes with Paz De La Huerta with pretty much no clothes on, and that's A OK with me. But, I felt like there needed to be more balance. Too much sex and not enough violence. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. But that's really the only saving grace with Nurse 3D is pretty much Paz naked. Oh, and the 3D was probably garbage because there's only one really weak action scene towards the end where you could tell the director was trying to take advantage of the 3D at the last second. Pass. 

Jug Face

You may or may not have ever heard of a horror review website called "Oh, The Horror!", but that is where I heard about this movie. I was just reading random reviews as I do when I'm on there, and I came across a review for a movie called Jug Face. It sounded kind of stupid. I was correct. It was stupid. Even though Oh, The Horror's review was detailed and thorough, they still didn't really spell out how off or dumb this film really was. I looked it up on Netflix on my phone, and lo and behold, it's on Netflix. I just had to watch this train wreck. I want my 81 minutes back, guys. Just saying.

 Let's bang in the woods while some guy makes pottery!

Why does she keep making comments about this guy's skin?

What the hell is this chick doing? Putting red paint or strawberry jam or something in her panties to fake a period? A miscarriage??

I don't know if it's the movie make up or real life, but Sean Young looks terrible.

The leader of this white trash/cult family is trying really hard to look like Jack Nicholson in his Shining days.

Did this asshole just say, "let me talk to my sis a sec?" They had sex earlier in the movie!! (vomits all over the floor)

So this cult/community wants this brother and sister to have a baby on purpose. Well that just makes things a whole lot worse and disturbing than they were about 20 minutes ago.

These weirdos' basically make blood sacrifices to and worship a freaking hole in the ground. There are no words for this level of dumb-assery.

 Yeah. That's right folks. This movie pretty much boils down to the fact that this little trailer park community worship a hole in the ground and go around saying "the pit wants what it wants." And, whenever the pit wants to eat or kill someone specific that worships it or prays to it, it telepathically tells this autistic guy who's next on the list, and he makes a jug with that person's face on it. Wow. That's fucking dumb. How this film won a few indie movie festival awards is beyond me, but avoid. Please avoid. 

Specters (vhs)

Specters on vhs was another one of the many additions to my film/horror collection that ended up being a complete blind buy. I found it for a couple of bucks at the disc replay that I frequent, and I half way regret it. The box looked cool, I saw that it had Donald Pleasence as the main actor and it promised "an unforgettable journey into the darkest reaches of terror." Well, that's what the front of the box says anyway. Did it really stand up to that claim though? Not quite. There are some cool scenes with some sort of a monster-thing and a couple of decent kills, but it's mostly a slow burner that you have to be in the right mood for, or else you're just going to start looking up random shit on your phone about halfway through. 

Donald Pleasence? Kick ass!

This music sounds like the elevator version of Gloria Estefan.

The english dubbing in this is pretty weak and laughable.

Creature from the Black Lagoon, what the... oh, a movie in a movie.

"The computer doesn't know anything. An neither do you." Damn, Donald Pleasence told you, son!

Every time someone in this movie walks down a tunnel, I feel like I'm watching one of the Phantasm movies. I have no clue why.

That was the worst arm wrestling match I've ever seen. So out of context.

Oh no, a piece of styrofoam with Cthulhu's face on it!

These underground exploration scenes are pretty claustrophobic and bad ass at the same time.

Face-wall head smash!

I love women with that big 80's hair. So damn sexy.

Someone has the shittiest taste in music.

Finally, some female nudity! It only took about an hour and fifteen minutes.

    Looking back at my notes while I'm typing this, maybe I had more fun watching this movie than I initially realized. Either way, it was pretty sluggish and I can only say that if you're a diehard Pleasence fan and you want to have or watch all of his films at least once, go for it. It's not a masterpiece by any stretch, but it's not close to bottom of the barrel either. If you find it for a couple of bucks like I did, grab it. Otherwise, you can live without it.

Shredder

This movie comes recommended by Cecil of GoodBadFlicks. I have watched his review of this movie more than once, and he hits the nail on the head the whole time. I bought Shredder on dvd off Amazon after absorbing his review, and I'm still satisfied with the $1.50 that I spent on it, brand new. Sealed. The movie itself is worth less than that, but hey-$1.50 for some cute, bitchy snow bunnies and some gory kills on a ski resort buried in snow? Why not? The cover art that I put at the top of this post is actually way cooler than the actual box art for the movie from MGM. What a surprise.

I guess he "lost his head" while snowboarding? Heh, sorry. Bad joke.

Cute blonde chick in the shower, yes!

Does the annoying jackass always have to have the camcorder to make a "documentary"?

"Secrets in the ladies room" seems like a pretty shitty knock-off of Girls Gone Wild. It's not like those videos aren't shitty already anyway.

Someone take the camcorder from this dumbass.

I think the cop was just stabbed with a screwdriver.

So how is everything covered in snow around this place except for this one special, specific spot?

Stabbed with a giant piece of ice!

Christoff is a jack-off.

The CGI in this film is atrocious.

I've watched this movie more than once and I always think it should've been one of those indie horror releases from Lions Gate. You know, like Jack O Lantern, Monster Man or Jackhammer Massacre? But it's not. It was somehow distributed by MGM. Kudos to them for trying to put out something in the horror genre. I don't even really care if they have before, I'm just too tired to give a shit. This movie is entertaining, I just don't know who this movie is supposed to be for. Idiot's like me and Cecil I guess. Pay the $1.50 for it. Get out of here.