Fast Gun (VHS)

I love buying random VHS tapes from Goodwill sometimes. There are always a plethora of tapes at any given location, and you just never know what sort of gem you could find hiding in plain site. Fast Gun is one I never heard of, but the cover spoke to me. It said, "Buy me! I'm a cheesy ass action flick! I feature a hot blonde chick hanging out with a sheriff that runs around blasting everyone with a 50 caliber!" And, as impossible as it sounds, this guy can blow a full helicopter right out of the sky with just three shots of a 9mm. Impressive. What's also impressive is is the fact that no one in the movie questions it. No one puts it out of the realm of reality that this guy can down a fucking 747 right out of the air with three shots from a fucking firearm. Everyone in town is nonchalant about it as if the sheriff has done this a million times before. No wonder why airport security is messed up these days. I would delve a little into the plot in Fast Gun, but what's the point when there is a shirtless Steven Weber looking motherfucker walking around destroying everything with a 50. cal and an RPG? There is none.   

That gun wasn't fast enough.

What kind of MP's are you?

I have no faith in our military after this.

This music could easily be in one of the Shinobi games on the Sega Genesis.

Dolph Lundgren's z-grade brother is getting angry.

 Stock explosion sound effects. I love it!

How the fuck do you blow up a helicopter with a 9mm?! Please, tell me how that's possible!

I never knew that David Gilmour was into stolen, military grade weapons.

 Just get on with it and get some pussy already.

Either a play-through of Streets of Rage or Final Fight would be perfect right now.

 "I'd rather drink stale piss than listen to this crap." So, a can of Bud Light then?

Synclavier music is the worst for fight scenes. 

This is a cheesy, mid-afternoon action flick that you watch for a good laugh with a bowl of couple day old, stale popcorn. Also, there are a lot of guns in Fast Gun, but none of them are particularly fast. Most of them are overpowered though. Even though I saw it a mile away, Fast Gun features one of the slowest, most unenthusiastic climaxes of all time. Surprisingly, it doesn't detract from the overall experience as absorbing an entire town being decimated by RPG's, 50. cal's, hand guns, grenades and lots of other weapons had me more than primed up by the time the end credits came. I never even knew it was over. Well, actually I did I just didn't think it would be so damn lame. Either way, this is a fun, pocket funded shoot-fest that will keep you on your seat the whole run time. Be fast on the draw or die by the law!    

Blood Diner (Vestron blu-ray)

This is a real treat when it comes to horror movie collecting. Blood Diner has been on pretty much everyone's list of "must haves" for a long time mainly because it's been out of print and hard to come by for a number of years. But, by the good graces (and brains) of Lionsgate bringing back the then defunct Vestron Video label, there will be even more great cult horror flicks coming to blu-ray in the near future. This one is out there. It's really out there. It has to be the best comedy horror movie in existence, and it's all because of Jackie Kong's hard work and "I won't take no for an answer" attitude in her early twenties. Blood Diner goes to some weird places that you never thought it would go to. Hell, it goes to places that I never thought any horror movie would go to. Nude aerobics, a pro wrestler named Jimmy Hitler, a hot blonde chick gets her head turned into a gigantic pizza puff and Michael knocks it off with a broom. There's so much crazy shit packed into this hour and a half film that when I was taking notes, I almost wanted to write everything down, but that would just be downright impossible. And it would just ruin everything for you if you've never seen it. And trust me. You'll want to see it. 

One of the best text crawls ever.

I can dig on some do-wop.

"He's armed and dangerous. He's been spotted on the west side with a meat cleaver in one hand and his genitals in the other."

Knocked his eyeballs right out of their sockets!

Englebert's voice here sounds a lot higher than it should.

All for Sheetar.

Veggie boobs!

"That's the best friggin' veggie burger I've had in a son of a bitch long time."

Nude aerobics was awesome until Walter Matthau came in and blasted everyone. 

"Looks like someone had a do-it-yourself lunch meat party."

I'm pretty sure he's not o.k. since a car with hydraulics just ran over his head.

I love my blonde's covered in cake batter. Wait, now she's a pizza puff. 

Seeing a woman get put head first in a deep-fryer only to be turned into a giant pizza puff is something to behold. In any kind of movie, regardless if it's horror or not. But there are so many insane scenes in this flick that you're either going to love it because of the absurdity or hate it for the same reason. Blood Diner moves at a break-neck speed, so if you're not paying attention, you'll miss something that truly could be a gem, and that would be a shame. This needs to be on every horror experts shelf, and now that it's easier to get because of Vestron Video coming back and putting it on blu-ray, now is the time. The time to wrestle Jimmy Hitler and kill a bunch of hot chicks in the name of Sheetar. The time to listen to do-wop and rock-a-billy. The time to dress like Liberace and act cool. Ok, maybe not that.      

Microwave Massacre (Arrow Video blu-ray)

If Microwave Massacre ever took itself seriously, it would be a pretty fucked up horror movie. But it doesn't. It's so far from serious that Jackie Vernon (Frosty the Snowman) plays the main guy in this flick, and every time he opens his mouth, it made me want to watch Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. There is no way, shape or form that this could have taken for it to be a legitimate scare film, let alone a "good" one. In my somewhat seasoned opinion, this is a "good" one because of how fucking terrible it is. Yeah. Another one of those "so bad it's good" deals. And it's really because of the writing and the situations that are presented here that make it an enjoyable experience for all of the wrong reasons. Or at least reasons that any normal film buff would just scoff at. How many fright flicks have the word massacre in the title? Who knows. There's way to many of them and I'm not going to start listing them here. But this is the only one that I know of that features a huge ass microwave that takes up an entire kitchen wall. An entire dismembered body can fit in there. And it does. Donald gets hungry. He tires of his wife making these big, extravagant meals including crab sandwiches. He wants food he can just grab and go with. Once he gets to the point of whacking his wife (that doesn't sound good) he wraps her body parts in foil and shoves them in the freezer in the garage. What a swell place.  What a swell guy. At least he'll have plenty of cold cuts for his lunch from now on. Sorry. That was just.... bad.

 I'm not that hungry.

Juggies!

"I have to go to the breast room, I mean restroom."

That's the biggest goddamn microwave I've ever seen.

"I can't remember the last time I had something good to eat." Then he walks right into June's crotch.

May can't even light a candle.

What a nice pussy. Pussy, pussy, pussy.

This scene embodies the total opposite of spring cleaning.

Wasting food, much?

Them midnight snacks are tough, wait....

Dude's fly is open.

He's going to put you in that microwave, sweet thang.

"I'm so hungry I could eat a whore."

I never thought mayonnaise could be so sexy.

Suffocated with a loaf of bread.

A prime example of how the dark humor is played out in Microwave Massacre, there is a scene where Donald has one of his girls on a table in the kitchen. He has a life sized jar of mayonnaise, a life sized butter knife that he covers the chicks entire body with the mayonnaise with and slices of bread that have to be at least 5ft in length. The bread covers her whole body essentially making a "whore sandwich". Take that however you want, but this film goes to places with food that I wasn't expecting, and if you bother to watch it, you probably won't either. Is it fun? Yep. Is it stupid? You better believe it. Just go into it knowing that this is probably the class clown of cannibal movies, and you'll feel right at home. Make a couple of bologna and cheese sandwiches before hand just in case your wife makes a shit dinner as well. We don't want you ending up like Donald here. Putting his wife in the nuker. Eh, she deserved it.    

October is a comin'!/2nd Annual 31 Horrors of October

With October (and more importantly Halloween) right around the corner, I have finally gotten around to putting my 31 Horrors of October list together again for my 2nd annual run. It's going to be killer! No, really... it will be. Watching a horror flick everyday for 31 days in a row, especially with a full time job and having to write a post every night to accommodate, is very challenging. Especially when you add in other, normal daily business you have to take care of in between as well. I tried to vary my list as much as possible against my list last year so I don't end up watching the same movie twice, because that would be boring and end up being a drag. For both of us.

2nd Annual 31 Horrors of October:

1. Texas Chainsaw Massacre IV: The Next Generation

2. Misery (blu-ray)

3. Troll 2 (Nilbog Edition)

4. Halloween III: Season of the Witch (blu-ray)

5. The Vagrant

6. The Outing

7. Decoys

8. Decoys: The Second Seduction

9. Nosferatu (VHS)

10. SAW (VHS)

11. Zombi 2 (25th anniversary edition)

12. Christmas Evil (Vinegar Syndrome blu-ray)

13. Brain Damage

14. Deep Red

15. Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth

16. Wishmaster

17. Wishmaster II

18. The Abomination

19. Wizard of Gore (blu-ray)

20. Frankenstein (VHS)

21. Terror at Tenkiller

22. Slaughter High

23. Earth girls are Easy

24. Return of the Killer Tomatoes

25. Motel Hell (blu-ray)

26. Cannibal Campout

27. Pet Semetary (blu-ray)

28. Scream 2 (blu-ray)

29. Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering

30. Rocktober Blood

31. The Fly

There you have it, zits and zombies. My hefty list of horror for the month of October. I hope you can join me on this daily upkeep next month and revel in all of the terrifying things to come. October isn't all about pumpkins, spice, leaves changing colors and wearing hoodies. It's about terror, horror and scaring the crap out of your family and friends. If only for a month. Now go and get yourself some candy before that fat kid down the street hogs it all. No one wants that. 

Grampa's Silly Scaries

The most recent time that my wife and I traveled down to Champaign to stay for a weekend, we made it a point to hang out with Steven Cisna and go to our favorite flea market- Gordyville. There are always people selling dvd's, blu-ray's, VHS tapes, video games, HD dvd's, toys... anything you can possibly imagine really. There were a couple of guys this last time that had a bunch of tables full of random dvd's for a dollar. And boy, did Steven and I ever go through every damn dvd they had on that table. One of the one's that caught my eye was Grampa's Silly Scaries. I knew right away just from the box art alone it was going to be worth a dollar. And in more ways than one, I was correct. There's a few weird things contained within, but the one thing that sticks out to me is the fact that Betty Boop is on the cover and there is no Betty Boop cartoon. The best cartoon on here is the one featuring Popeye called "Fright to the Finish." That one is basically him and Bluto playing Halloween pranks on each other all while trying to get Olive Oyl to pay attention to them. There are some bizarre ones on here. Some very bizarre ones. I know that if I watched these as a kid, they would either go right over my head or they would mentally damage me for quite a while. I'll get to those later.

This is some atrocious, Microsoft Paint, green screen right here.

 "Below, the lowest below depths."

Yeah Grampa, keep decomposing.

That tortoise looks as tired as I feel right now.

How does a ghost get wet?

I'm sure Casper buys a lot of clothes, Grampa. 

The cobweb motel is certainly macabre.

Grampa's getting some sun. He sure as hell needs it.

Quoth the raven nevermore. He sells vacuums.

Now that's what I call home security.

This is the only time in my whole life that I will ever see a vacuum get drunk.

Hey Beans, it's time to get that car looked at.

Frankenbot?!

Two of these cartoons are pretty disturbing in that old 70's way where the animation is gritty, overly detailed and in your face. One of them is called "Cobweb Motel" where a spider has a bunch of empty matchboxes and little room-like areas set-up to catch un-suspecting customers and trap them for dinner. But it's much darker than that. The spider is a little too excited and it just ends up being downright creepy and wrong. The other cartoon is a fucking bizarre one where everyone in this town is a balloon and they never go in the forest because that's where The Pincushion Man lives. He has one purpose-to pop all of those helpless balloon people. The way it's animated and colored and everything about it just feels like a cartoon that your kids shouldn't watch. I get it-it's on here because it's scary. And left field. But, with Grampa from The Munsters heading this thing, I'm sure lots of children have been disturbed by these particular cartoons. And so have I. And that's why I dig this dvd. Even if only for a buck. 

 

Hellraiser: Hellworld (blu-ray)

The Hellraiser franchise is very big, expansive and confusing. Most horror fans (including myself) have no clue what is going on, what's real and what isn't and the continuity of it is all over the place to put it bluntly. I felt like watching and taking notes for a random one that I haven't watched in quite a while. Hence Hellraiser: Hellworld. This time, Pinhead stalks people online. Well, sort of. A group of "teenagers" or "young adults" are obsessed with this online game called Hellworld (which really looks like a shitty version of Myst or a really bad early 90's adventure point-and-click game) and they all have played it so much that they get invited to an exclusive party at the real Hellworld. After that, it's a slow, clunky ride downhill full of gore, nudity, people having sex, drinking, Pinhead showing up randomly and some traps that really reminded me of some shit from the SAW series. As it is on it's own, it's mediocre. As a part of the Hellraiser franchise as a whole, it's mediocre. But hey, at least it features Doug Bradley unlike Hellraiser: Revelations. What a joke.   

  The song Dig from Mudvayne comes to mind.

Who is this chick trying to look like, Coolio?

 I'm surprised that there really isn't a video game called Hellworld.

That cenobite mask is cool, but sorry dude, that's not worth $100.

Seriously, Hellworld looks like a pretty shitty, horror version of Myst. And how could this game work online?

 Of course Hellworld has a hot chick with her breasts hanging out. As expected.

These people can't really be this dumb.

Jackass Jake.

Going into a room that says "keep out" is never a good idea.

Now we all know where the guys that did SAW got their ideas from.

Getting head while you're on the phone is a fantastic experience.

 That is correct. There is a scene where one of the main guys is getting his dick sucked by some chick at the Hellworld party while he's talking to one of his friends on his cell phone. I can't say that this has or hasn't happened to me in the past, all I can say is that sort of thing is gratifying. I can't say the same for Hellraiser: Hellworld however. It's a fun sequel later on in the franchise to sit back and absorb with a beer and revel in the durp-a-durp quality of just how low this series went before completely stopping. In my honest opinion, stick with the first three Hellraiser flicks for the best quality. It all gets murky after that.

The Boy

Before I get going here, I want to make one thing clear: I have a crush on Lauren Cohan. Ok. Now let's go. Hearing about and seeing ads and trailers for a horror flick involving Maggie from The Walking Dead already had my interest peaked as I was mostly curious about how she would perform in something other than that series. I honestly think she did a pretty solid job as the caretaker for "the boy" even though at the beginning of the film you're left scratching your head wondering if the elderly couple she is caring the boy/doll for are insane because of the in-your-face fact of them acting as if the doll is a real person. My wife and I had our suspicions about how the last half of the film would turn out, and we were mostly right. I will not spoil it for you here, but let's just say that even though I did enjoy The Boy for what it is, it still takes a lot of horror ideas and paths that have done before to get to where it's going and it ends up losing some momentum towards the end. Because I was expecting something else. And so are you. I was pleasantly surprised by how much atmosphere this film has in it's favor however, and it does help the experience stand a little more upright on it's own had it not had that sort of injection in the initial structure. Dolls creep me the fuck out. 

   Even old guys like boobs.

Maggie?

That was the worst display of putting the moves on someone. No wonder why this guy is single.

Ok, so.... is this girl a doll or..... what?

This has to be the most bizarre baby sitting job of all time.

I'm more creeped out by the fact that these old farts are acting like this doll is an actual person.

Peanut butter jelly time!

Predictable jump scare? Check.

Sweet Jesus- a rotary phone.

Greta is to cute. Just call it a date already.

Big empty mansions always come stock with a couple of layers of atmospheric dread.

She's losing her shit.

Remember kids-suicide is not the answer.

If I was Malcolm, I would be jumping all over Greta... (clears throat) sorry. Got a little carried away there. The Boy really does have a nice heavy layer of dread that you can feel as Greta is going through the house trying to figure out if the doll is alive or if it's her imagination. Part of me wants to recommend it to you zits and zombies, and part of me wants to say that it's a one-time watch that you'll probably never re-visit. It's up to you. Just make sure you stay away from those boys....wait. That was wrong. Disregard that.     

Blood Lake

First of all, I want to point out that there is a 2014 horror flick with the same name. I haven't had the want or the chance to see it, so I'm just going to go ahead right now and say that the newer film called Blood Lake is probably leaps and bounds better than the SOV flick that I watched last night before going to sleep. I was actually pretty excited about this one initially because, well, it's an SOV. And SOV's bring me great joy most of the time because of how bottom of the barrel they are. But Blood Lake-just rubbed me the wrong way. It's so goddamned boring that I actually fell asleep a couple of times while I was taking notes. I know, I know-every SOV out there has a cult following and I know there are people out there that dig this film because of the horrendously written plot (if there is one) and characters that are dumber than dirt. With these horror offerings though, there still has to be some kind of a limit. Even one of my favorites that I've referred to on here many times (Sledgehammer) has it's boundaries and it ends up being wildly entertaining because of it. Sure, it's loaded with overwhelming amounts of pointless slow motion editing, teens drinking and dancing like morons in a living room and one of the greatest food fights of all time-but those things are there for entertainment value. Blood Lake has nothing. No dancing, no slow motion and no food fights. Just under-age drinking, under-age flirting and under-age stupidity.

 Stab yer' partner round and round, make sure they're dead on the ground!

I didn't know that Beavis and Butthead were in an 80's SOV flick!

 Finally, the drive to the lake is over.

To many mullets. Just to many.

"Mike, you going to be a butthole this weekend, or are you going to let me drink?"

What a dick. Eh, it was a good prank.

A shmoke and a pancake?

Well, at least a water skiing montage is a creative way to add padding to a movie.

 Yay, let's play quarters and smoke weed.

Muff diving!

People finally start dying. At 48 minutes.

Yes, you read that right zits and zombies-none of these dim-witted imbeciles start getting killed until roughly about the 48 minute mark. That's a long time to wait unless you count the random gardener guy that gets stabbed literally right when the movie starts. Other than that, you're left with 47 sweet minutes of water skiing, some jack-ass 12 year old kid that keeps trying to bang the only 12 year old girl at the lake with them, a shit ton of under-age drinking, a 10-15 minute long segment of all of the older teens sitting at a table playing quarters, smoking weed and stripping and a very long winded scene of them all driving down a bunch of random streets to get to the lake in the first place. I know I watched this for free because I downloaded it from YouTube, but I don't even think it deserves to take up space on my external hard drive. Unless you're in the mood to get bored quickly, just stay away from Blood Lake. It's not worth it.

 

Hack O Lantern

I have mentioned Cecil of GoodBadFlicks in the past, and he's the reason I found out about this film in the first place. Not on YouTube, he did make a video review about this film on his actual website before his main migration over to that space where he does his reviews and other videos full time. That's something I wish I could do. Hell, I wish I could just do this right here for you guys full time and I would never have to break my damn back doing jobs that I never feel like I'm supposed to be doing. Moving on-I kind went on a personal quest to try to find Hack O Lantern in one print or another, and I quickly found out that it never made it past the VHS era of movie distribution, which is sad because it deserves better in my slime covered opinion. There have been rumors flying around the horror community for a while now that Massacre Video has been working on a 4K blu-ray transfer, but that was some time ago last year, and I still can't find much of anything. For the love of Cthulhu, just finish it up! Get this film back out there! There are collectors out there wanting an official print beyond the hard to come by VHS! Hy Pike! Tommy! Satan! Heavy Metal! Hot nude blonde girls! It's all here!!   

What grandpa isn't badass without a truck full of pumpkins?

Tommy is very, very special....

"But mom, I like the taste of blood. Grandpa says it's good for me."

Grandpa listens to DIO and worships Satan? Cool!

Raspiest cackle ever.

I think by now, Tommy would have figured out that Grandpa is full of shit.

Hot chick in the bath tub. Nothing to complain about here.

So even satanists have messy bedrooms. See, they're not so different from us.

Fucking Metal!!

 "Normally, I'd say screw her brains out. But I don't think she's got any."

Bloody Mary. How fitting.

Music is to loud for the dialogue!

This film is a total must for any of you zits and zombies out there in the middle of collecting because you enjoy really cheesy, bad horror. That's my forte'. It's a lot of fun and Massacre Video needs to get on that shit and release the blu-ray already so we all can go online and buy it. There are a lot of dumb moments in this movie, but I will say the stupidest is the part with the stand-up comedian outside the party towards the end. His jokes are so fucking bad that I really hope that he didn't get paid to be in the movie. I don't even really understand why that part was kept in during the editing process to begin with. All I know is is that it's awful and you can live without seeing that guy again. If you like seeing old men act Satanic and wearing their ceremonial robe on top of farmer clothes while doing a blood ritual, have at it. You only live once, and going from Blade Runner to Hack O Lantern means you never had a real acting career in the first place. Sorry Hy. That's the truth.  

Holidays

Zits and zombies-don't be fooled by the really cool looking cover art for this film. I was duped into thinking that this was going to be some kind of new classic in the way of horror anthology films, but I was wrong. I was dead wrong. It starts off weird and it ends just to far out there for me to want to come back to it at any given time in the future. Basically, just stick with all the ones that we all know are great-Creepshow I & II, Body Bags, Trick 'r Treat, Campfire Tales, The Willies... you know, the really great ones that were put out in the 80's? Well, not all of those were put out in the 80's, but you get my point. The whole idea behind Holidays is a bunch of directors (Including Kevin Smith-ugh) got together and filmed a bunch of shorts to be edited together to make the movie whole. It starts off with Valentine's Day and ends with New Year's Eve, and I just felt like each progressive holiday became weirder and weirder until I just didn't want to watch it anymore. The one that was just outright wrong (and I still don't know why since I'm not religious) was the short for Easter. I'm not into spoiling things for potential viewers, but when the little girl sees the Easter Bunny, it's basically a giant bunny mutated with Jesus. I'm not joking. The nail holes in his hands, a spot in his side where a rib was removed and a crown of thorns. Much to much.  

"Up you go, Maxi Pad!"

It's hilarious when you push someone off the high dive.

No, coach, You don't want to do that.

You can do amazing things with a box cutter.

Red-head Irish school teacher. Hot.

The Dreamcast logo formed from shopping carts? Yes.

So... she's pregnant with a reptile. Alright....

Who the hell is this guy? One of the Tunnel Snakes from Fallout 3?

   Stop telling your daughter lies. Jesus was never real.

That's one sweaty Easter egg.

Apparently, the Easter Bunny is Jesus Christ but he has the crown of thorns on a bunny head and can spawn baby chicks out of the nails holes in his hands. I need to lay off the beer for a while.

 I don't remember a holiday commemorating a group of nude women sitting together in a hot spring, but I think I just need to add it to my calendar.

As I stated earlier zits and zombies, if you're in the mood for an anthology flick, you can do better. You can do a hell of a lot worse, but you can certainly do much better. Holidays kind of just sits in that horror purgatory that I've mentioned before where most people will pass it by, some will dig it and some won't. I was actually expecting more from Kevin Smith after he put out the really fucked up Tusk. His offering here for the holiday of Halloween (the one that was supposed to be the main one here) was bland and didn't do much for me. Now that I'm done watching this I'm going to Walgreens and buying some Peeps. Marshmallows for the win.