Top five worst of the year + runners up (2017)

Man, this is totally gonzo. My third year of Cinema Slayer is over. I truly cannot believe that I have been watching and reviewing horror flicks for three years. It boggles the mind. What also boggles the mind is just how many fucking awful ones I ended up viewing this time around. And I don't think I'm out of the realm of reality when I say that my number one worst for this year undoubtedly is the equivalent to draining the barrel, letting it dry and scraping it raw with a wood plane so you can get even lower than the bottom of the barrel. That is no joke, zits and zombies. I will be appalled at whatever I find to be the number one worst for 2018 because the stench wafting off of my top pick for this year makes the rotted corpse in your basement that's been decaying for the last five years smell like a garden of lilacs and orchids. I promise.

May the gods of horror bless me this coming year.

So now it's time to welcome you back to the show that never ends and walk down these halls of depression and sorrow as we look back at the mind melting atrocities that I have informed you all to stay away from. Hopefully you listened. If you haven't or are still curious, please-I beg of you. Do not watch any of these horror films. They will really make you question whether if all of this time and energy is worth it. Quite frankly, I did the same thing when I was putting my list together. May the night sky and cold winds have mercy on all of our souls.

#5. Greetings

    

Even though Greetings sits at number five, I still have the same feelings of shame and wanting to cut out my own gallbladder while sucking out it's bile because that would wholly be more of an enjoyable experience than ever watching this ever again. Absolutely one of the most boring and uneventful "horror" flicks that I have ever sat through. Literally for the first 3/4 of this film is a bunch of British weirdos sitting in some woman's living room talking about God-knows-what, gallons and gallons of coffee and wine are drank, and then a table starts floating and a white light kills everyone. Worst fucking birthday party of all fucking time. Nurse, hand me my scalpel.

#4. Most Likely To Die

 I really don't know what sort of enjoyment I was expecting to cull from a modern slasher that features Perez Hilton as one of the main characters, but Most Likely To Die has what I think is one of the stupidest plots that I think I sat through all year. Instead of going to their actual high school reunion, these dumbass "friends" get together and have their own little high school reunion at their friends' house that ended up playing for the New York Rangers. The kills were extremely lame, the killer himself is just retarded and wears and graduation gown and cap with a mask made out of pages from their classes yearbook, and Perez Hilton's character does not get killed. Just as much of a waste of time as actually going to high school was. On to the next.

 #3. Spirit Camp

  

 I still firmly believe that Spirit Camp would have worked out better as a 20 minute short film instead of a full 90. There is a fine line between good transitional padding and just over filling a film with it to the point of everyone involved with the movie just not knowing what to do to make it a full length feature. It's not really necessary to have every single scene where Lindsay finds something in one of the girls' bunks to take a literal five minutes (per scene) to walk between cabins, yell for the gay guy that's bunking with her, drink and smoke all of the items she confiscated, and does it all over again probably four or five times. And Amber's 500lb boyfriend eats her out right before he gets stabbed. One time, at band camp... Jesus didn't apologize.

#2. Loony In The Woods

 

 Last year I had Dr. Hackenstein on this list stating that that movie was one of the worst from Troma, but I have to say-Loony In The Woods tops it in this regard on every fucking level. The characters all have the intelligence and personality of a smiley face drawn on a piece of cardboard with a Sharpie, a guy named Buttons has a robotic tracheotomy that allows him to just repeat the same damn words and phrases over and over and over again and the main killer is some anorexic fruit cake that looks like he's ready to rob a bank with a rubber chicken. I despise all 69 minutes of this piece of shit and there is no reason for anyone to ever watch this. Burn it-yes sir!

#1. Blown

   

Here it is zits and zombies-the moment you've all been waiting for. The top turd, the king crap, the runny chili-bean diarrhea from the horror genres asshole... Blown. That's right folks. The idea behind this film is that some losers blow up doll comes to life because she's jealous of the fact that he's trying to get a real girlfriend. I truly don't know what I could possibly say to illustrate to you how beneath the bottom of the barrel this movie sits at. There is no reason, no explanation for something like this to exist. When I ran across this on Youtube and downloaded it so I could watch it-I think a part of what's left of my heart died. I have nothing left because of this film. If you have watched all 55 minutes of this and are still alive to talk about it, I applaud you. For real. This is a special kind of special. I can't. I'm done. I wish you good luck if you attempt this. Make sure you drink a bottle of holy water before hand. You're going to need it.

Runners Up

#1. Kill Cruise

 

  Kill Cruise is just as confused about it's identity as I am as to if this is a coherent cult film. I stand by the scene towards the end where the dog shits on the edge of the boat as being a physical offering to the overall quality of said film, and I really feel sorry for Elizabeth Hurley stripping for random sailors, seaside strangers and old ladies. Everyone screaming "take it off!" at her was kind of jarring and strange even in the context of what was happening because the way it was put together was just awkward at best. I'm glad your career didn't tank because of this confusing mess, Liz. My condolences.

#2. The Windmill

I actually didn't even really hate The Windmill, I just thought it was kind of flat and generic in the end. There were just to many horror cliches' for my liking and I felt like they just drug the movie down in the dirt. I will say that the kills were pretty creative and gory, but beyond that I didn't really feel there was enough substance behind this one for it to really be anything more than just a purgatory movie at best. 

#3. Cooties

 Cooties isn't a complete piece of trash, but I think the main reason I just ended up not being on it's side to much was because I just felt like it was sort of a Dawn Of The Dead rip-off. An entire school full of kids get turned into zombies because a girl eats an extremely disgusting chicken nugget and ends up biting another kid and the infection spreads. That's it. That's the main basis. There is obviously more development towards the characters and what happens in the school, but it's so weak and paltry that by the time you get to the end you just can't care about it. School still sucked anyway. 

 #4. Clown

Most people don't like clowns, and the movie Clown doesn't really do them any favors. I was sorely disappointed with this one because Eli Roth was involved with it, but the main issue with this flick is that I never cared if the main guy ever was able to take the clown costume off. The entire movie, he couldn't. And I had no attachment to what was happening at all. I think really the only people that would enjoy Clown are either die hard Roth fans or are die hard fans of horror movies where the main focus is something to do with clowns. And I'm neither of those. So here it is. As a runner up. Never to laugh or cry ever again.   

Three on a Meathook

The very first thing you will notice about Three on a Meathook is the amazing cover art. And yes, this is an early 70's grindhouse flick that I think has been kind of forgotten about to the waves of time. I have been wanting to check this film off of my review pile, and I recently found out it is on Amazon Instant at the moment, so I jumped on it. I was actually taken back by the fact that this was released before Tobe Hooper's essential classic Texas Chainsaw Massacre by 2 years, and there is plenty of gore, some rad deaths and even a decapitation scene. Even though about 75% of the rest of this schlock fest is just Billy and whatever women he interacts with talking, walking and being dramatic. His father is one helluva weirdo, and I kind of figured it out pretty quickly what his real character is all about, and that was a pretty big let down. I was really hoping for some sort of a solid twist involving Billy and his dad, but the atmosphere and tone during the murder scenes just make it to easy. Plus, there is actually a twist, but it's kind of flat and it just shows up to late for it to really have any impact on anything from earlier in the film. There was so much potential here to be a horror classic, but it just falls a little to short because of it's glaring flaws. And yes, there are three chicks on meat hooks.

Does the film have to open with some ogre looking bastard on top of a smoking hot blonde?

Man, I should have went to college.

I'm ok with driving the boat for five seconds and then going skinny dipping.

Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream-the lake is full of hot nude girls for everyone to see.

I love a girl who can eat.

You would think this old fart would be excited that four young free swingin' hotties are in his kitchen. Apparently not.

Wow-I don't know if I've ever seen someone go off the deep end so quickly.

Such solemn music for such grizzly discoveries of murder.

Billy didn't do it-you did motherfucker.

I don't know who this band is, but they suck. And they have way to much screen time. To much.  

That's another thing I need to mention about Three on a Meathook. The music. It's awful. Downright awful. There's a scene where Billy goes to a bar after "he murders all the girls in the house" to try to forget about it, and there's some band playing there. I swear they play about half a full set, and the camera switches between different angles of the band performing and Billy getting a drink from the waitress. It's monotonous, grating and unnecessary all at once and really ruined the pace of the first fifteen minutes or so of the film. I hated this long winded scene with a passion because I felt like I just watched a group of hot, young chicks getting brutally murdered in someone's house-piggy backed by one of the worst 70's bar bands I've ever heard. Zits and zombies, if you are a connoisseur of 70's grindhouse movies, you'll probably dig this just because the kills, gore and tone were ahead of it's time. Unfortunately, the rest of this offering is a damn mess for all the wrong reasons. Doesn't quite sit in horror purgatory, but isn't a classic either. Watch for the boobs. There's a good one right there.  

Secret Santa

This is the time of year-like every year-where I try to track down some new and potential classic Christmas horror schlock. My top honors still reside with Christmas Evil, but one of my new entries into the ranks of ruining the holiday spirit comes by way of Secret Santa. I went in mostly blind (except for reading a few random reviews online) not knowing a damn thing about this film at all. Man, I love when this tactic works in my favor because I can just absorb the whole experience without being spoiled on anything. The greatest thing I can spill to you zits and zombies about Secret Santa is that it has a fantastic layer of 70's grindhouse that makes this a Christmas horror must-watch in my book. The pace, tone, gore, situations and characters are just exactly the way they should be for this type of offering, and I thoroughly enjoyed every moment in this flick. My favorite chick in here has to be Carissa just because she's a bad girl. I'm not explaining any further. But my favorite male character is Dwayne. He's so hyper and fidgety and can't sit still to save his life. He even has a chance to bang Carissa, and blows it because he can't get it up. Whiskey-dick loser. 

I am not ready for winter.

Every single holiday a drill in a box.

Cutie camgirl.

Alarm clocks are grating on the soul.

I was going to say don't fall for it, but it's to late.

Damn, Nicole sure is adventurous isn't she.

Santa's workshop is kind of dingy. I don't see any elves either.

No one gets paid enough to deliver pizzas.

Didn't Bryan just burn his hands on... oh nevermind.

Student-teacher relationships. Awkward.

Wrong time to fall down bro. Wrong time.

 I'm going to put myself out there and just state that Secret Santa is new essential Christmas horror viewing. A healthy layer of old school grindhouse mixed with some solid acting, slasher elements, good gore and an ending I really didn't expect at all paints itself up into holiday killings-killing it all the way. There are plenty of modern situations and humor as well to round out what this flick is trying to contain, and it pulls it off flawlessly. Sometimes indie horror just doesn't live up to what it's trying to hand out, but Secret Santa shouldn't stay a secret. It's a gem that needs to be watched, polished and loved by all fear fans. Make sure you wash those veggies after you get them from Nicole. She had them in her room with her. Yeah. That's a smoothie I don't know if I can drink.    

Body Melt

Ozploitation is a pool I've never really dipped my toes into, nor have I really had any interest in doing so. When it comes to films from other areas or countries, I mostly stick with Germany, Italy, Spain and other foreign places. Body Melt is completely a cult film straight from Australia, and as much as I've been hyping myself to watch this when I can (because all of the clips and trailers I've seen make it look so bad-ass) I think that I may have over done it this time. I was expecting a full-on body horror slime fest, and unfortunately that's not what this film provides. It provides a closer look into societies obsession with prescription drugs, vitamins and being perfectly healthy day in and day out. And while there is nothing wrong with the latter what-so-ever, there are natural ways of doing so. Basically, Body Melt is pretty much a physical embodiment of what constantly consuming those types of products can do to anyone's body at any given time, and reaching that plateau of perfection simply isn't possible. There are plenty of fantastic scenes of people spitting goo everywhere, vomiting, chugging dish soap and a pregnant woman that shoots her placenta at her husbands face. Yeah. That happens. While the special effects are amazing and the plot is actually somewhat original, the cultural barrier I think turned me off. Some of the dialogue is lost in the actors' accents and I just couldn't keep up with some of what was happening. Bummer.

These are the types of products I stay away from.

Aussie nudity and drug abuse.

Damn, I love vintage computers.

Perfect foreshadow of how this dude is going to melt.

"Let me tell you a great joke. Elton John."

   Dirty mouth? Clean it up by downing a bottle of dish soap!

Punks, porn freaks, weird old ladies. Now I remember why I won't go to the airport.

This place looks like shit? So do you.

The point of killing the kangaroo and eating it's adrenal gland was....

Incest????

That was one helluva c-section.

Gooey Louie is a great game.

After all of the personal build up that I had toward wanting to watch this film, it really was a let down. Body Melt really is a great cult body-horror flick and is extremely bizarre in all of the right spots, but I just can't like it. It's mostly because I'm not Australian so I can't really grasp some of either what the characters are saying or just really understanding some of their actions. The worst part of this is when the two main guys run into the cannibal family and the film just feels like it goes off the deep end very quickly. I was actually wondering if I was even going to be able to finish watching what was taking place before me. I almost couldn't handle it. The people in the family look like over exaggerated cartoon characters in live action form. It was very disturbing and distracting. Maybe you zits and zombies would enjoy Body Melt for it's message, but it just had to many strange flaws that I just wasn't able to overlook. Now where is that damn kangaroo, I need a snack.      

The Babysitter (Netflix Original)

As blind and random as it gets, that's pretty much how I ended up watching and taking notes for the Netflix Original horror flick The Babysitter. The trailer looked cool and the blonde that plays the babysitter is insanely hot, so of course I really had no choice but jot some shit down for this piece. Knowing next to nothing and having no expectations for something like this is absolutely the best way to plow through a great indie horror film because you get surprised and blown away at every little detail that the director wanted the audience to react to. My highest grade and remark that I can make about the quality of The Babysitter is that this is seriously like the horror version of Home Alone. Our main kid Cole is basically left home alone with his babysitter Bee while his parents go on a trip for the weekend, and he ends up witnessing Bee and her "friends" partaking in some weird and brutal shit. That's all I'm going to say because I can't ruin any of this for you zits and zombies-when there is a window of opportunity, please watch this. Gold standard. Blood of a virgin.

  Fuck the flu shot. You don't need it.

Perfect example of the internet ruining education.

Wow. Douche-bag dad alert.

Damn-his babysitter is scorching hot and a total badass! Boooooonnnnnnnneeeeeeerrrrrr!!

Yeah. The wrong word he said there was retard.

Mad Men is great. Christina Hendricks is gorgeous.

Being normal is boring.

When truth or dare goes right.

That's one helluva big cookie.

What is this, Twilight? Put a fucking shirt on dude.

 The fat dragon is either going to be amazing or a bust.

Well, it was amazing. Sweet blaze of glory, Sonya.

There's no fibbing here-The Babysitter really is an indie fear film that needs to be seen by all. If you have Netflix, now is the time. The scene where Cole blows up Sonya with the Fat Dragon firework in the crawlspace is probably my favorite scene in the whole damn thing-besides Bee making out with that hot-ass cheerleader. I mean. Yeah. I am a man. Anyways, if a distributor picks this up to print it on DVD and Blu-Ray, a copy will be on my shelf. I know it's already after Halloween, but there are always new movies to be discovered and The Babysitter would have surely made it onto my top ten indie horror film list for this past Halloween had I seen it prior. Keep using your money wisely like this Netflix-the indie horror scene needs you.   

Patchwork

Patchwork is on Netflix as of right now, and I expected nothing from it. At all. When the film opened up, I really thought it was going to be some kind of Re-Animator rip-off type of deal (what with one of the scientists using a syringe full of some green-glowing substance that is supposed to bring people back from the dead) but I couldn't have been more off center. I enjoyed Patchwork way more than what the first few scenes led me to believe was going to take place in this horror offering. This basically ended up being sort of a modern take on the Frankenstein story, with more of a inner-monologue/thriller twist making this much more unique of a watch than it should have been. This monster that the story revolves around is three different women sewn and patched up together physically to make one being, and I found that the scenes with the three personas talking and interacting with each other internally to be un-expected and very entertaining. They helped to move the film along perfectly with a pace that isn't bogged down with some dumb back story for each. There is also and ending that kind of took me by surprise as well, and that just compiled onto what I already was sucked into character wise. This is the basis of a revenge tale with a lot of tweaks and segues which just made me a happy horror fan seeing a crew take an older idea and spinning it into something different and somewhat original. 

There's a problem when you're having a convo with a severed head in a pan.

Neon green re-animation serum? I know where this is headed.

Take the ear piece out. Give the girl some love.

I don't think I could live alone. Sorry.

So... these three chicks are stapled together into one person?

I swear to God-morticians and scientists are always eating sandwiches and donuts. Always.

  This internal dialogue between the three girls is actually pretty cool.

Ellie, you're trying way to hard.

Get hit by a van all of a sudden.

I want to punch this ear piece wearing douche-bag.

Alright-well the Frankenchick did it for me.

Zits and zombies, give Patchwork a go. It's definitely one of the better indie horror flicks I've seen this year, and it really took me by surprise. The characters were evenly developed, it didn't go into rip-off territory like I thought it would when it started, the pace is fantastic and I really enjoyed the scenes with the three women talking among themselves to try and figure out what is going on and why they are stapled together. The comedy in here works to great effect as well, and everything in this film just has a good balance to it where the viewer is never distracted from what is actually happening and you can laser-focus on the story and really embed yourself in it. I-I-I believe you have my stabler. Stabler. Stapler.   

Horror House on Highway 5

In my constant quest to review and collect as much horror as I can for the past 7-8 years or so, I have always ran across some oddities and obscurities that make me question if being a horror collector is worth it. Some films are classics and they just have to be on your shelf whether you're into this sort of thing or not, and others just make you feel like you need to take a step outside for some fresh air. That's pretty much my experience with Horror House on Highway 5. This film doesn't give you any breathing room once it starts, nor does it really want to. It wants the viewer to be suffocated with it's bland and empty characters, dull kills, lack of comprehensible plot (it's mostly some jackass in a Richard Nixon Halloween mask offing people) next to the main people farting around alongside two guys that I assumed were mentally unstable because of just how un-intelligent they are. I really wanted this to be a hidden gem for me, but once the final act just abruptly stopped after the poorest tension build up I think I've ever wasted an hours worth of winks on, raising my arms in disbelief saying "what the hell was that" to myself at 3 a.m. in my recliner just shows this horror veteran that this film wasn't for me. If there is some sort of plot, I didn't really pick up on it nor did I care because there are so many flaws with this picture that I don't even know where to begin-and they're not flaws that make this entertaining. These are crippling flaws that re-instate my questioning of being a part of this hobby.

Put them down. Tarot cards are not for you.

"I am not a crook!"

Ugh... this chick has a total man-face.

Was Nixon really that angry?

  That's one big ass piece of glass.

Dude, you're teaching-turn the lights on in your classroom bro! No one can see the chalkboard!

Who keeps chloroform and a burlap sack in their kitchen?! Nevermind...

These guys have been hanging out with Cosby lately haven't they.

 I don't think a black magic/satanic ritual is actually going to work with a clothing iron as the brand and these goofballs wearing black bed sheets as capes.

Man, this Louise chick has no emotional reaction to anything.

It's, it's-nothing! There's dramatic music but the screen is so fucking dark that I can't see what I'm supposed to be afraid of! Nothing!

  I will come to a close by stating this about Horror House on Highway 5-pretty much every scene contained herein feels like a steamroller on the verge of running out of fuel. They are so damn slow moving that I felt like I had to drink some coffee to speed up the experience of watching it. Sluggish is more like the perfect term for the way that these events take place as everything and anything that happens in this film just takes way to long to get to where it wants to go, and it drags the viewer through the tar along with it. The camera hangs in spots it shouldn't for long periods of time, and the people "acting" in this don't help as most of their execution of dialogue is extremely awkward as well as most of everything else that makes up this 90 minute sludge-hole that should just be avoided. Richard Nixon may have not been a crook-but he sure as hell stole 90 minutes of my time that I'll never get back.       

We All Scream For Ice Cream

Finding and spending money at video rental stores these days pretty much never happens. The only main chain that I know of that is still standing is Family Video, and they are everywhere. That makes me smile. I personally think that there should be more brick and mortar video stores because there is a specific feeling when you walk in with a mission to rent something for a couple of nights. A certain magic. In Champaign, the one by our apartment was amazing-I rented plenty of horror flicks that helped me solidify me as a horror collector and fanatic: House of Bones, Silent Night Deadly Night, I Spit On Your Grave (1978) and the film for this review-We All Scream For Ice Cream. I haven't seen any of the other films or episodes in the Masters Of Horror series, but this one is just good. Every time I watch it, I have to have some kind of ice cream while I sit through it, just enhancing the experience. Maybe it's a little bit of nostalgia, but this is a welcome addition to my collection recently as I'm transported to that back room in our apartment we had. Buster the clown sells ice cream out of his ice cream truck because that's all he can really do. He is slower, you know. Of course, bad things happen to him while the main characters are kids and he comes back for revenge. 

I would love it if I could bite into a frozen ice cream sandwich and someone I hated just melted into a soupy puddle of melted ice cream.

How did you get the guy into a casket? He was a puddle of ice cream!

It is perfect outside sir.

  Every kid that has a quarter wants some ice cream.

I'm so glad my days of playing "run and puke" are over.

     Oh boy.... Layne has a glasses fetish.

 All Buster wanted was to make the kids happy.

The point of killing Buster was... because Virgil is an asshole?!

 "Should've kept your pee-pee in your pants there, daddy-o".

I'm melting! I'm melting! Oh, what a fucking world!

 The most memorable scene in We All Scream For Ice Cream has to be when Layne goes to see Virgil at his place to ask what the hell is going on with Buster-and he melts into a big puddle of ice cream in his ghetto hot-tub bath-tub thing in is living room. Shit is priceless. Honestly, as I mentioned before, there are so many scenes that involve ice cream in some sort of way that whenever I watch this, I have to eat some while I watch it. It's essential. This isn't essential horror viewing, but you zits and zombies should seek out and consume this at least once. Buster only wants to make you happy. 

Halloween Watcher's List (Top 10 Indie Flicks)

Halloween, The festival of Samhain, Dance of Satan... our favorite time of the year only comes around but once. Celebrating it with costumes, candy, pranks, parties and anything else that protrudes us into wanting be someone else for a night. But all hallows eve also requires the utmost in quality horror entertainment, and my list I present to you for this year I feel contains probably the ten best indie horror films that I own copies of on my shelf. As a collector and purveyor of this business, I am glad that if worldwide streaming were to go down in flames for some reason, I can still revel in the blood of virgins and watch the undead tear people apart in anticipation of their dinner.

I'm getting hungry.

I present to you my top ten Indie Horror Flicks that I think you all should track down for Halloween (in no particular order). Most of these I have already written reviews about here on Cinema Slayer, so you can search them in my search bar and see what I said about them. But whether you care about my review or not, these are indie flicks that you never really see or hear anyone talk about. These are Halloween perfection as I see it, and they need more attention. Here we go. 

10. Pumpkin Karver

If you haven't read my early piece about Pumpkin Karver, go search it. This is absolutely one of my favorite Indie horror flicks, and it embodies pretty much every entertaining fear trope that needs to be there. Cute girls, dumbass guys, stupid costumes, a pretty evil villain and an atmosphere that really is unique to this offering. If you want to start an indie horror collection, please buy a copy of this. Please. Oh, and Amy Weber is scorching hot in this as well. Just saying.

9. Monster Man

 The side studio for Lionsgate that produces indie horror has some real gems, and Monster Man is absolutely glorious. The two main bumbling characters play off each other very well and I could honestly say that this is one that could stand on it's own with multiple views. Perfect for having popcorn and a bag full of those nasty black and orange caramel-taffy things that no one likes or knows the name of, this won't leave a bad taste in your mouth as those things will.

8. Splinter

Splinter is strange because you never find out exactly what the monster is in this film. Mystery adds a layer of intrigue here, and it's frightening because you never know where it's going to come from next. This is a modern monster flick that pretty much takes place in a gas station for the duration of it's run time, but it never feels cheap, boring or dull. The pace is spot on and it drags the viewer from scene to scene in anticipation to see what will happen next. Truly an indie great.

7. Farmhouse

 I've already done enough praise for Farmhouse in my actual review-so just watch this damn movie already. Steven Weber and Kelly Hu are just downright bad, bad people here and shows how much range they have even in something as small as this. They love what they do and it makes this film shine, as it should make your shelf shine with a hard copy sitting there next to Evil Dead and Dead Alive. It's that good. It also sports one of the greatest twist endings in any indie horror film. Seriously.

 6. Hi-8 (Horror Independent 8)

A lot of horror anthologies are hit or miss for me, but Hi-8 has an air of grandiosity that can't be missed. Being the huge SOV fan and collector that I am, this had to be on this list because I feel more horror fans need to experience this as an essential part of their fear diet this Halloween. Candy and tooth rot aside, there are some shorts in here that are genius (particularly the one aptly named "The Tape") and the only way to see them is compiled in this anthology. A great way to start off an indie/underground viewing spree.

5. Trailer Park of Terror

  

The perfect example of blind buying something cheap and quick, Trailer Park of Terror just hits all of the right spots that any blood fanatic needs satiated. Great characters, awesome setting, better than average cinematography and a rockabilly zombie that can tear it up on his guitar mixes itself up to being an amazing horror indie diamond in the rough that pretty much everyone passed up on. Were going to be some sexy sinners tonight.

4. Cemetery Gates

    

It's been quite some time since I've watched Cemetery Gates, but I just recall being blown away at it's entertainment value. Especially since I got it for free in a buy one get one free deal at my usual collectors spot-and it features Reggie Bannister from the Phantasm franchise. If you want to watch an indie horror film to see his ridiculous skullet ponytail and witness the main monster take a shit randomly, this is the perfect Halloween outing for you. Listen to some Pantera while you're at it. 

3. Skinless (Ballad of Skinless Pete)

People in the science and medical fields have been looking for a cure for cancer for a very long time now. Pete found it. Except it's not quite what he thought. He was cured until his skin started peeling off. This is almost akin to a Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde ripoff, but the difference here is that Pete doesn't switch back and forth. He just falls apart (literally) and the journey is gory to the extreme. Gorehounds will love this one, and I suggest some fruit punch while you view. The redder the better.

2. House of the Devil

 If you want an indie that is all atmosphere, suspense and feelings of unease-House of the Devil is the ticket you need to purchase. It builds itself into what I feel is probably one of the greatest unknown "walls are closing in" type of film that just keeps you guessing until the reveal of what is actually going on with the family and the house that they live in. Sorely missed and underrated for those outside of the horror community. Live in this house if you dare.

1. Pool Party Massacre

  

 Fun, fun, fun. Pool Party Massacre has become an indie gem for me personally, and it just gets all of the bindings of 80's horror right. The girls are all attractive (albeit on the thin side) there's plenty of gory deaths, creative kills, astoundingly clean cinematography and characters that you just want them to die because they deserve it for one reason or another. Oh, and the twist ending actually confused me and made me laugh at the same time. Don't miss this on Halloween. It will make you wish it was summer again.   

Bad Girls From Mars (VHS)

I find a lot of random reviews and channels on Youtube all the time, but a new recent favorite of mine is 80's Horror Central. This guy has a pretty amazing collection from what I've been able to see so far, and his reviews are all spot on. Highly entertaining stuff. One of the random ones that I've watched more than once so far is his take on Bad Girls From Mars. Damn it if this isn't one of the cheesiest movies for men from the 80's. Of course this was worked on by Fred Olen Ray who has made plenty of these schlock infested shelf grabbers, and they all have fantastic looking women who are well endowed. Which of course is the draw. In this one it's kind of a movie inside a movie-and the plot is paper thin being held together by pretty much every scene being lovingly padded by some beautiful woman's bare chest, which of course really is the reason to watch a film like this. A man made movie for men. I found this on VHS randomly at the same space that I find almost everything for a measly $1.99, and it's signed by one of the girls from the film. Whoever owned this before they traded it in probably met her at a convention or something and had her sign it. Pretty cool if you ask me. I wonder if he was able to motorboat her for free. That would be a story for his kids.

 I'm not closing my eyes for anything-I want to see boobies!

That's not Tony... that's a Ken doll in a plastic case.

You cigar chomping bastard-Tila wants the D!

Tila gets hung in her dressing room and all you care about is her tits. I'm with it.

  Who eats an alka-seltzer dry?!

Jesus that's a lot of lotion.

Emanuelle loves changing clothes and showing off in the back of a moving convertible. I'd get in an accident too. I have insurance.

 Anything to be Emanuelle's "little dick".

There's always time for office sex. Always.

  The Slipknot killer strikes again!

From cop to actor. It's his business to know.

If you're a man who loves seeing topless women in weird space costumes filming a movie in a movie, then track down Bad Girls From Mars. There is absolutely no redeeming entertainment value contained in this what-so-ever, but there doesn't have to be. The acting is abysmal, the script was written by a sixteen year old boy that has had acne for the last couple of years and the production value is as if I built the set for this in my garage for $100. But that's the appeal for a Fred Olen Ray flick, and I wouldn't have it any other way. By the by, one of the girls is hung from the ceiling by a literal film strip and there's a scene where Emanuelle is walking up some steps in someones living room (with her boobs a' bouncin') and there's a "boing-a-boing" sound effect that accompanies it. Brilliant. Sheer brilliance.    

No "31 Horrors of October" this year

Zits and zombies, I've had a terrible head cold for the few past days. Now, I know that's no excuse for what I'm about to tell you but...

Unfortunately, I just straight up will not be able to do my annual "31 Horrors of October" this year. Hold on, let me blow my nose. Give me a minute.

You see, working at a railroad is crazy in and of itself, but my schedule is just so all over the place that there's no way in hell I'm going to be able to watch a film everyday and write a short quip about it for the whole month of October. It's just not going to happen.

What I can do for you pus-bags however is make a list of recommendations for you all to ingest on the daily for the hallowed time of Samhain. And of course I will keep trudging out my usual review output whenever I can. 

Thank you for listening (or reading-whatever) and hopefully my schedule next year around this time will yield unto me more time to be able to bring the horrors of October back.

Make sure that brain drill has some new AA's in it. You can't half-ass a lobotomy.     

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil

I'm getting to the point with doing this that my back catalogue is becoming a mountain. Films in my collection, digitally streaming and elsewhere. When Tucker & Dale vs. Evil was first released, I had all of the plans in the world to watch it and more than likely purchase myself a copy for my shelf. But of course because of time and life, that never happened. Friends of mine in the horror community told me that I needed to watch it. It still slipped by me. Copies of it at Walmart were $9.99, $7.50 and $5.00. Netflix had it on a few years ago, took it away, and recently brought it back. I finally sat my blood drenched ass down and took some notes for it. I'm glad I did. The entire central nervous system that revolves around Tucker & Dale vs. Evil is basically all irony and mishap. The scene where one of the college kids jumps head first right at Tucker, misses and launches right into the woodchipper is not only brutal but hilarious because the way it's played out is made to look like Tucker is shoving the kid in there when in reality, he's trying to get him out. All of the comedy in this film is like this and it makes for a very fun horror picture that doesn't take itself to seriously. 

Here we go with more found footage garbage.

Shut up you frat/sorority dipshits.

This gas station looks like the original Cracker Barrel.

Dale, you have a scythe. C'mon man.

Yeah, he was a real archeologist.

  PBR isn't that great of a beer anyways.

You are cut from a different cloth. The asshole, douche-bag cloth.

Bees! Not the bees!

Finally-an actual woodchipper massacre.

Ha, ha! The sheriff is an actual blockhead!

See what happens when people are misjudged? All kinds of wrong happens.

Dumbest group of college kids of all time.

 Now that I have finally viewed Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, all I can say to you zits and zombies is that I should've watched it when I had the chance years ago. High entertainment doesn't spring up to much anymore and I felt like this film delivered. There were some cheesy cliche's of course, but what movie of this ilk doesn't contain such proceedings? Very few. All I can say is that if you were (or still are) pushing against the grain in terms of social hierarchy or being bullied because of your individuality, then this pus filled pustule is for you. Because preppy frat/sorority types just need to be slayed in some form or fashion, and this whole movie brings the goods in droves. Die yuppie scum. If a favorite of yours happens to be Shaun of the Dead, than search no further. This is the warm blanket you have been looking for. Just don't plunge head first into a woodchipper. Tucker won't be able to pull you out.     

Drifter

Drifter is an indie/cult film that has been on Netflix for quite some time now, and the cover art just looks intriguing. I really didn't know what was going to be behind this poster marquee, but obviously it has something to do with two dudes sporting handguns, some chick in pigtails screaming and a red car. Well, the car isn't red-but the pigment of the vehicle's paint job doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. What does matter is how disappointed I was by the time Drifter's run time had ran dry. The first half of this film was fantastic- Dominick is just a straight up chip-on-his-shoulder type of guy that gives no fucks and his brother Miles is the complete opposite. So the dynamic is right there right when this thing opens. By the time the audience makes it to about the 35-45 minute mark however, is when the film just starts sliding it's way into the murky depths of rip-off territory. The one big flaw that really bothered me through out the whole thing was the score. Man the music was just awful. Notes and swells were placed in all kinds of wrong spots that made some scenes feel more awkward than suspenseful and would have been way more effective if there just wasn't any music at all. Let it breathe a little. Give it some space.

I mean... the whole point of robbing someone's home is to take everything. So, yeah. Take everything.

Damn their car is a jalopy.

If this area is a wasteland, than this is a post-apocalyptic movie?

Sibling rivalries never die.

Oh boy. Here we go. Desert degenerates.

Hell yeah bro. Shoot first, ask questions, well... never.

Mirages are deadly. Be careful.

Bite the pain. That's all you can do at that point is just to bite the pain.

Dom, dude-she's trying to warn you. Pushing a woman to the ground is asking for me to kill you. 

I'm telling you right now. Banging Sasha was a terrible mistake.

Miles, if you had the strength-I would have loved it if you threw that glass right at Doyle's head. 

  

The two best characters in Drifter have to be Dominick and Doyle. Doyle was great because he kind of reminded me of The Joker except with a layer of Fallout on top. One of the biggest let downs of this film that I mentioned earlier was how it ripped off something. That something is none other than my favorite horror flick of all time-The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. There's a dinner scene in here that is pretty much almost identical to it and I actually threw my hands in the air and exclaimed "What is this, Texas Chainsaw? Sweet Jesus." I was not expecting that at all which is why I had that reaction. Drifter is not even close to being a terrible film. It's very watchable and you can definitely get swept up in what may or may not happen. But it's surely not a masterpiece either. Indie film junkies that love post-apocalyptic material will dive right in, but if you're a horror fan that has more of a grindhouse leaning, you might not dig it as much. Don't go wandering around town now-Doyle won't like that very much.    

Arachnophobia

Among the many horror flicks my dad had on VHS while I was growing up, Arachnophobia was there right along side them. I will always remember him telling me about the scene where they all start pouring out of the sink in the bathroom and the infamous part where Jeff Daniels' character slaps together his homemade flamethrower for the final showdown. Classic indeed. I truly don't know if this film in particular has anything to do with the fact that any insect these days just grosses me out, but if you've seen this you know exactly all of the cuts where there are just tons of these things all over the house towards the last act-it really leaves impressions on you. The same way that Jaws made people afraid of sharks when it was first released, I'm sure that Arachnophobia made a similar ripple effect on everyone's psychology having images imprinted of big masses of spiders just overcoming your home. Nope and nope. The answer is just no. Can't deal with it. That's what homeowners insurance is for. Light it up, watch it burn to cinders, collect the insurance money and move somewhere else. 

"Any man eating dinosaurs?" You know, this setup kind of does remind me of Jurassic Park.

    How can you even tell where you are on that map? Everything is in red scale.

Every insect in the whole world could disappear and I would jump for joy.

I need one of those fogger guns for my house. I hate killing bugs by hand.

You can keep entomology. My favorite bugs are dead ones. I don't care how endangered they are.

This is the umpteenth movie where the mortician is eating a damn sandwich. I don't get it.

You can unpack the boxes in the morning. It's time to unpack your wife now.

 Burn the barn down. Burn it.

Stuffed shirt yuppie bastards. I hate all of you.

There's one thing about Arachnophobia that I have to say-I absolutely forgot how funny and witty some of the characters and dialogue is in here. It's actually not even really a "horror" film per se'. It's more like a "comedic thriller" I guess because it has peaks of being lathered in suspense and dread whenever it shows you what the spiders are doing, but then you have these humorous valleys with Jeff Daniels and John Goodman as Delbert the exterminator and he definitely alleviates some of the tension against the cuts with the spiders. If you have any extremes against arachnids or insects of any kind, you might not be able to handle some of the things that take place in this film. Or if you want to watch them burn to death in a sweet orange fireball of fear and aggression, please give this a spin. Delbert is always willing to give a helping hand.  

IT (2017 Re-Make Theatrical Experience)

Zits and zombies... what a momentous occasion. 

Before I actually even begin to dive into anything that has to do with the IT re-make, let me just state something if you already don't know-that I absolutely despise re-makes. I loathe them. I generally gravitate around the idea that if you plan on being involved in modernizing a film or updating it by re-making it, for the love of God do not just do it shot for shot or completely ignore that there ever was an original or some sort of source material from which your inspiration came. Please. At least pay some sort of homage, take what you like, cut what you don't and respect the idea that this film may need this. It's only for the greater good of cinema and the art form in general. Otherwise you're just doing it for the money and not any sort of personal satisfaction knowing that you actually turned out something worth partaking in. That's where the new adaptation of Stephen King's novel IT steps in. 

I fold my hands and bow in pride.

My wife and I haven't been in the theater to really see much of anything in the last year and a half or so because, well-Hollywood is just shit nowadays. There. I said it. It has turned itself into a cash grab factory of awful rom-coms, neutered action flicks, cheap jump scare infested "modern" horror tunes and line for line reboots that no one ever asked for. But then something kind of unexpected and miraculous happened. The re-make for IT was announced and I was highly skeptical. I was throwing my hands up in worry about Pennywise either being overdone or not enough. I read the book again to make sure that this magic wouldn't and couldn't be lost. My dear community of undead....

I was dead fucking wrong.

 We went to see it earlier today with my pal Slasher Steve and much to our surprise (especially since there were quite a few teens in the seats) no one was on their phones, no one was yelling and screaming, talking, or being total jackasses during the film. Even during the previews, no one barely said anything. I couldn't have asked for more. Being floored by this atmosphere of politeness and common courtesy wasn't even the icing on the cake. The film was. Sweet Jesus, was this kick ass. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would ever say that a re-make of IT would ever be better than the original. In comparison, now that I've seen this newer version just a couple of nights after re-watching the original mini series... the Tim Curry original isn't even remotely frightening at all. It's a children's movie about an evil clown named Pennywise compared to this. PBS could probably get away with airing it uncut right after the newest episode of Sesame Street, and no one would bat an eyeball. All of the child actors in here were flawless, Bill Skarsgard was superb, the cinematography was excellent and the screenplay stuck way closer to the book than the original did which made this so much more effective than it should have been.

Zits and zombies, I implore you... if even after all of the hype, the opening night frenzies and all of the money IT made during the initial weekend still haven't convinced you because your just to damn stubborn or to attached to the original-put down that can of Pringles and get your ass to the theater and see this. You deserve it. And so do the people that made this movie. We all float down here. And you'll float too.