Saturday, February 4, 2017

Meatcleaver Massacre (The Hollywood Meatcleaver Massacre)


Meatcleaver Massacre presents itself as one helluva hot mess because within the opening scenes you get Christopher Lee wearing a blazer and plaid pants talking about some weird-ass cult that no one really gives two shits about. And then you're blasted off into some strange world that tries really hard to suck you in with it's bizarre paintings in a museum that somehow have to do with said cult, and some asshole college kid that has a grudge against his professor. He convinces the rest of his friends to break into his house after school hours, wear nylons over their faces, and proceed to kill his wife and dog, and put the professor in the hospital where we find out (very confusingly I might add) that this guy has some magic powers or whatever to make the creatures from the paintings in the museum come to life and take revenge. Yeah. I don't know what to make of the shenanigans that take place in Meatcleaver Massacre either, and I was also very depressed by the fact that no one was actually killed by a meat cleaver. Even on the cover of the VHS box, there is clearly a fucking meat cleaver behind that hand\claw and the four college jackasses heads as fingers. It makes as much sense as the movie does. None. 

Christopher Lee introducing us into a tale of the occult. While in a blazer and plaid pants.

 All of this fury better be in this film.

Monty Python was never this evil.

 What straight guy burns a deck of porno poker cards?

It's hard to snag some pelt when you're plastered.

Next dog I get, his name is going to be poopers.

Thugs with nylons over their faces really unsettles me.

Everything is devoid of color all of a sudden.

  Trust me, I've been there. It's real difficult.

How can I take this picture seriously when this guy just got whacked by an aloe plant in the desert.

Well, I'm glad that realizing that you're late for work can break that dark spell of wanting to slit your wrists.

 Nothing is sacred or sane in Meatcleaver Massacre. The scene where one of the college guys is really concentrating on wanting to commit suicide and then looks down at his watch and proclaims "oh shit, I'm late for work" is literally the extent of seriousness that this film takes you. If you ever have the chance to experience this strange slab of horror cinema, by all means, give it a go. You'll probably question life and the meaning of it the entire time your sitting through this, and to me that's what actually makes this film enjoyable to a certain degree. It achieves the point of it all by taking you out of your real life for 78 minutes, swallowing you up and spitting you out on the other side questioning why any of us even exist. That, zits and zombies is true art. Hey... full circle. Maybe Christopher Lee would want to go on a man date to that museum. Nah. That would never happen.

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