Offerings

Sifting and wading through lists, pages and catalogues of 80's horror films can be a chore after a certain period of time. Sometimes you have to break your own rules of tracking this stuff down and just leap at one that looks or sounds interesting. It might turn out to be pretty good. Other times it will be a situation similar to holding a puppy up by both hands, cooing and peek-a-booing at him until he just pees in your face. That's when you know you should just take a break, play an MMO or read a book for a while. Go for a walk. Get some fresh air while you still have the involuntary ability to breathe. Netflix and chill. Whatever you have to do to keep yourself away from digging into your passion so you don't kill yourself over it. There are other times, however, where a flick you run across is just so straight paved, middle of the road and run of the mill that you automatically form the opinion of "I'm only watching this this one time, and I'll never come back to it." Horror purgatory. The middle ground. That gray area where I like to put films that only warrant one singular view from any zit or zombie, and are left behind because we all have lives and better pictures to look forward to. Offerings sits as squarely as it could possibly ever get into this realm between heaven and hell, and I'll be damned if I ever meet a horror fanatic that thinks it's any better than that.

        Dammit granny, don't smoke while you're making breakfast.

He probably will grow up like his good-for-nothing father with that kind of mental abuse.

Nothing like a game of checkers on a sunny Sunday afternoon.

Yeah, and I'm sure you're kids are beautiful.

Midget Mexicans are creepy.

That's one way to give a lobotomy.

Dopey teenage goils.

Everyone's mother in this film is ugly, obnoxious and loud. All of you, just shut the hell up.

Head-splat vice grip!

Of course the dog thinks a severed finger is a chew toy.

I doubt it's sausage. It's probably dead people parts.

Guys named Greg always get the foxiest of ladies.

 With my final verdict being set at horror purgatory, I actually did cull a decent amount of entertainment from Offerings. The reason behind it is quite simple, though-it ended up being the most generic and cliche' riddled flick I've seen from the 80's in a while. That's not entirely bad, it's just that it felt like something was either missing or it wasn't trying hard enough to be it's own thing. And I have to pull some points for it. The last twenty minutes did feel like a Halloween rip-off with just the way the music was scored, how John was going after Gretchen, certain camera angles... it flubbed itself towards the end and it made the landing a little to familiar and a little to soft. I'll leave you with this-the next time you order a pizza, make sure the sausage is actually sausage and not ground up human flesh. Wunderbar.