Satan's Black Wedding

Serious vampire or Dracula fans need not apply to watch Satan's Black Wedding. You people will be infuriated. This is for those of us that are looking in deeper to find blood sucking films that show off their abilities to entertain with dollar store vampire teeth that you can buy for fifty cents around Halloween time, and the phoniest, reddest movie blood that you can possibly imagine. In other words-dime store Dracula films. Creatures of the night that can drain you of your lifeblood for five bucks. Coffins and caskets constructed out of balsa wood. A bug-eyed, wanna-be dark stalker that dons a Hispanic afro while proudly displaying a self-adhesive mustache and stinks deftly of pico de gallo and gentlemens' Brut. Being the lamest vampire film in existence is an invariably heavy and somewhat mature task to fulfill, but Satan's Black Wedding is perfect for the job. You know that he'll always be on time, he'll never call off and there will never be any mention of the sniffles. Ever. You have to accept him for what he is and just enjoy yourself. People like dis' guy always makes everyone's jobs easier in the long run, and that's what you want in this place. Longevity. 

An uggo if I ever saw one.

Black candles always set the mood right.

Cooooooooooooccccccaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnn.

Dracula gets a woody when women viciously slit their wrists.

I never knew that Charles Bronson and Gene Wilder adopted a son.

        Warbled synth tunes are always fun.

Now all of a sudden Nina is a vampire? What the hell?

Mark is the Jesus-Elvis we've all been looking for.

Satanic children sacrifices? There's worse out there.

Italian women are sultry vixens.

Still a damn uggo.

Maybe Nina always had an obscure imagination and you never knew it. Ever think about that?

Rise from your grave!!

  I am in no way going to apologize for this, but when the vampire just rises up out of his casket ready to go, the very first thing that popped into my head was the pixelated, digitized voice from the Sega Genesis game Altered Beast where Zeus says "Rise from your grave!" right when the game starts. I couldn't help myself. Satan's Black Wedding is one hell of a great time and if you only have 61 minutes to watch a horror flick before going to bed or work or whatever. My advice to you is to get yourself a pair of those dollar store vampire teeth, some Count Chocula, a black and red cape and a turtle neck sweater so no one can see your teeth marks or hickeys. All I'm trying to convey here is is that with that kind of starter kit, you're going to be a one-man party watching this thing, and that's what it's meant for. Because no one wants to hang out with some dude that reeks of pico and Brut. On the reel. Real.