The Dead Don't Die (blu-ray)

Just from the opening scene with Bill Murray and Adam Driver in The Dead Don't Die, I could already feel that this was going to be an extremely dry, slow burning effort from a director that I'm pretty sure I've never seen any of his other films from. The attitude and nonchalance from Cliff and Ronnie (Murray and Driver) doesn't lend any sense of depth or urgency really to anything that takes place in this zombie flick, especially later on when they start coming upon people who have already been eaten or dismembered in some way. They make a stale joke that really doesn't land, shrug the discovery off and kind of just move on like this shit is normal somehow. It's kind of bothersome and just made the film drag even more than it really should have. There are a few funny moments that actually caught me off guard and made me laugh like the scene towards the beginning with Steve Buscemi wearing a "keep america white again" baseball hat (which we all know what double meanings there are there) in which the waitress asks him if he wants some coffee and he responds with "I can't drink that stuff anymore. It's too black for me" with Danny Glover sitting right next time him. It's a stupid racist joke, but it made me laugh because I didn't expect it for some reason. Beyond random little scenes like that and the zombie make-up and cinematography, there really isn't a lot to find here that's entertaining zits and zombies. A lot of setups with side characters go nowhere and I kind of just felt like all of these people were stuffed into the first half to have reasons for the second half of the movie to exist-which, of course, is the zombies coming to life and eating people. Because of the arctic poles being thrown off and making the earth come off it's axis I guess. 

Bill Murray is looking old.

 Hermit Bob likes raw chicken.

Daylight savings always messes up the time. I can't stand it.

Those are some pretty big ant hills.

Did they... just break the fourth wall or am I going insane?

What's worse-"keep america white again" or "make america great again". You decide.

Tasty, tasty toadstools.

Ah, the days of gun racks in your living room.

Of course the new undertaker is Tilda Swinton. Why am I not surprised.

  Even zombies love coffee.

How shitty does an energy drink called "energy drink" really taste?

I never realized that Selena Gomez had such a great ass.

  Your first clue are the graves with the gigantic holes in front of them.

 There isn't really anything left for me to touch on in terms of The Dead Don't Die. There is a strange sub-plot where Zelda (Swinton) is Scottish and she's also some crazy master swordsman who can behead anyone or anything with ease. And she gets picked up by a ufo right in the middle of a huge group of zombies and it zips away. No explanation, no results of this happening-nothing. She just gets picked up and Murray says "I always knew there was something weird about her". And that's it. Move on to the next scene. Zits and zombies, if you need a zombie flick to quench your thirst, The Dead Don't Die will leave you high and dry because it's parched itself. With a massive cast like what this thing has, you would think this would have been a pinnacle in at least some sort of horror comedy, but it isn't. It falls very short and very flat, and I can't really say anything beyond it being a purgatory movie. Once is enough. Now I need to practice my Buddha-samurai sword skills so maybe a ufo can come grab me off of this rock.   

Mandy (blu-ray)

Mandy is love. Mandy is hate. Mandy is rage. Mandy is revenge. Mandy is drugs. Mandy is a trip. Mandy is an amazingly psychedelic horror flick that was released last year which I completely didn't pay any attention to. One year late is better than ten and this really is, in my solid opinion, Nic Cage's best. Seriously. He really doesn't have much dialogue in the overall 121 minute run of this magnificent opus of gore, payback and completely destroying a cult individual by individual-and he doesn't need the dialogue. What happens in this world of narcissistic assholes showing their penis', logging, chainsaw fights and LSD laced scenes of awkwardness comes Red... all guns blazing, fueled by absolute vengeance, alcohol and the smallest dose of the strongest mind-altering drug that I think I may have missed the name of to conclude this beastly endeavor of cinematic proportions. If I saw this picture last year, I'm pretty sure this would have been my number one or two pick at the top of the list. This is an expertly crafted film about Red and Mandy who live in their home together in the middle of the woods in 1983, minding their own business. A fucking psychotic cult named The Children of the New Dawn ends up bypassing their house while Mandy is out in the woods for a walk and some inspiration to work on some new art, and of course she catches the eye of the cult leader, Jeremiah Sand. They decide they want to kidnap her and they summon their cenobite-wannabe biker junkie friends to get her while they are sleeping and tie Nic Cage up with barbed wire. Jeremiah basically drugs her up and tries to brainwash her into joining, but she laughs at his micro-penis in front of everyone in the cult, and then they dispose of her. Horribly. And let Nic Cage watch. So now the revenge begins.

I want headphones playing Kreator in my ears when I'm dead.

 Nic Cage can do anything. Even be a lumberjack.

     King Crimson are among the prog rock greats.

 Maybe I should have dropped acid before all of these weird colors came up.

Dead deer appear in nature all the time.

What the.... who tells kids it's okay to kill baby birds with a crowbar?!

Well, if it isn't a van full of shifty looking motherfuckers.

Is that the ocarina of time from Zelda?  No, it's the ocarina of summoning junkie biker bitches.

There's all kinds of weirdo cults out there.

Dammit, why does an insect have to be involved? Kill it with fire!

What do I see? I see a fucking fruitcake who lives in his mom's basement that wants to believe he's a cult leader.

I just want to see Nic Cage come and shoot the place up or burn it down. Either way-this dude needs his.

I really have only pointed out the basic scenes of what really takes place in Mandy, because this is a special film that needs to be experienced by anyone and everyone who is a revenge flick fan, a Nic Cage fan and a horror fan. The cinematography is superb, the really trippy looking colors that are implemented in specific ways to make you feel high whether you actually are or not and the very spaced and ominous score truly elevates this thing to a whole new level. Zits and zombies, I have never seen a movie that has looked like this EVER, which nowadays is a goddamn achievement because it really shows that there still are new and fresh ideas out there that no one wants to touch because they're to much of a risk. Hollywood and the people that fit into it would rather play it safe with film these days because it makes them money-but I would rather have stuff like this come out that brings the art side of things back to the forefront to make everyone realize that it's tired and boring to keep vomiting up the same shit over and over again. I keep hearing about the remake of the remake of Black Christmas. Yeah-time to pray to the porcelain god.   

Satanic Panic

It has been a long while since I've watched anything with Rebecca Romijn starring in it, and that goes for Jerry O'Connell as well. They are both great at what they do, and you can tell in the recent Satanic Panic that they also love what they do which lends themselves to creating some really great and real feeling characters that never hold back about their rich and evil life styles. There is a similar message in this flick compared to the insane 80's body horror classic Society where the rich stay richer by engaging and being involved in a lot of questionable acts of selfishness and perversion behind closed doors. And when $102 worth of pizza is ordered and delivered to the Ross residence by Sam, that's when this chaotic situation opens up and you're in for a funny and gory ride containing Satan worship, black magic, Rebecca Romijn in a really hot red dress for 95% of the film and Jerry O'Connell sitting on an incredibly expensive multi-sectional sofa while vaping and watching football. Sure, it doesn't sound like anything to exciting on the surface, but Satanic Panic is very well directed and written. I pretty much have nothing to complain about with this film which is also the first time in a long time, except that maybe some of the jokes here and there don't land very well, but that's extremely minor compared to everything else that this picture gets right. The gore and the special effects were incredible as well as the pace and the way everything flowed. There was little to no down time and I just wanted to keep going with it until the very end.  

Why do grown men insist on wearing skinny jeans these days.

There's always a price to pay for sex in the morning.

I didn't know that Michael Clark Duncan owned a pizzeria.

What does a sweater that smells like racism smell like? I probably don't want to know.

Shit-Rebecca Romijn looks killer in red!

 Vaping and football. I'm glad I'm not a bro.

Shooting yourself by accident is why you need to practice gun safety. Fucking idiot.

Umm.... okay. She took his heart. Literally.

I know it's not funny, but it is. Seeing a 10 year old boy get fucking punched in the face by Sam slayed me.

A drill-do! That's amazing!

"Get your big tits in gear, they know were here."

Basin Mills reminds me of Naperville. Just saying.

No-that wasn't a rip-off of the box art from Gabriel Knight:The Beast Within.

I'm convinced that this satanic ritual is real. It feels real.

 After all of the devil worship horror flicks and horror comedies that I've consumed over the last decade, for me, Satanic Panic really came out as one of the better offerings for either side of this particular coin. It really is crafted that well and the cult that Sam gets pulled into after they figure out that she's a virgin feels like a group that probably exists in real life that hasn't been found or exposed yet. All I have to say is that any cult that feels that Rebecca should wear a red dress around the whole time the way she does is a religion I'll sign up for. Produce the papers for me to sell my soul because here I come. I'm safe-I'm not a virgin or a woman so, yeah. Where's Basin Mills, again?

It Waits

When I found It Waits on dvd from Anchor Bay earlier this year for a couple bucks I was enticed. The box cover is straight black with a really cool looking demon/gargoyle looking thing showing it's teeth while the title itself is spray painted red right next to it as if it's blood dripping in a sinister way to draw you in to get you excited. This is another flick where the idea and the marketing are better than the actual product. Snake oil-a placebo if you will. You'll take this to feel better, and feel better you will... but it's not real because this film just straight sucks. I'll say two positive things about It Waits-Cerina Vincent is sexy as hell as forest ranger Danielle St. Claire, and some of the production values for this are decent. Other than that, I really just need all of you undead to stay away from this fright offering from Anchor Bay. Shame on you. I hope you guys see this so you can pick yourselves back up and get into releasing great horror again like you used to because this is unacceptable. Three quarters of this piece is wasted on exposition that builds up what's going on with Danielle and her ranger partner Justin and some plot point about her drinking on duty because of what happened the night before or the week before or whatever. It really doesn't matter. Once you get past her characters' personal bullshit and she confides in Justin that she was the one who was drinking and driving instead of her friend Julie, then the tone completely changes from you feeling depressed and sorry for Danielle to you needing to have a boner for them having sex in the guard tower. Just like that. No transition, no screen wipe-nothing. Just "hey, I killed my best friend from drinking and driving" to Justin getting on her and in her. Wow man. Wow.

I think hiking with a gps is cheating, isn't it?

You just took the same picture of the same bones twice. Jeez.

"If you wanna score with the jewel master, you've got to have game!"

Getting hammered, alone, is always the answer.

You have a gun, what is there to be afraid of?

Alright Justin-I think you do want to know.

   Dead possum sandwiches and some fine northern elk piss-sounds yummy.

What a surprise-Danielle was driving instead of Julie.

Okay, so Danielle admits to Justin that she was the one driving the jeep instead of Julie, she dies in the accident, talks about it and now they are having sex with some shitty Sheryl Crow type music playing over it. Wow.

 Maybe it was bigfoot-you don't know.

Slick move-you left your wife alone in the forest by herself. Justin should have shot your ass.

I wish this movie was that short and sweet.

You're going to have to will it to be a good day pretty hard after all that's happened so far.

  After letting It Waits brew in my mind for 24 hours, I think the main issue with it is that it tries to hard. The pace of it isn't that great and the ending and everything leading up to it is just tired and so unexciting. I'm not even going to flinch at spoiling what the creature looks like or how Danielle defeats it in the last few moments because I don't want you to watch this. You have better things to do with your life. When the monster is finally revealed, it basically looks likes a solid mix of Pumpkinhead, a xenomorph from Alien and a little bit of the demon from Jeepers Creepers. Yeah, and the way Danielle kills it is so fucking lazy because she shoots it with her rifle numerous times and it really does nothing, but right at the end she kills it with two sticks of dynamite. This is supposedly some God-like creature that's over 1,000 years old that can stand up to anything and she kills it with two sticks of dynamite. Jesus Christ. I'm done. More alcohol can't save me now. Maybe it can. Let's find out.    

Stalking Laura

I was in the mood for something more on the psychological side last night, so on Amazon Video my final choice ended up being a film I've never heard of called Stalking Laura. Or I Can Make You Love Me. Which ever title you want to refer to this picture as, this made for t.v. film from 1993 is a damn masterpiece concerning the pathos of a man broken on the inside trying to make a woman that wants nothing to do with him notice him and remember him-at all costs. That's the key here-at all costs in Stalking Laura basically means that Richard Farley literally snaps and goes on a killing spree because Laura Black won't go on a date with him or acknowledge the fact that they are a couple... according to Richard. With each passing scene and every passing interaction that these two characters have with each other, you can just feel the tension and suspense building while the pace of the film leaves you trying to hang on as this thing keeps rolling. Right as the third act comes around is when you can finally get a full grip around the handle of this absolutely insane situation, and it lets you hold on for dear life as everything you learned about Laura and Richard comes to a head and should be popped by a professional. I find it very off-putting zits and zombies that pretty much everything that happens in this flick actually took place in real life, which ultimately led to the state of California passing the very first anti-stalker law back in 1990. It's very horrific and sad that seven people had to lose their lives because of a fucking lunatic like Richard Farley. But all Laura had to do was go on date with him. That's all.

Okay dad, time to let go. Give me a piece of that cherry pie too.

I Can Make You Love Me? I thought this was called Stalking Laura.

 Man this theme music is so 90's.

Every job says that they "are like family" until you see how much everyone hates everyone else.

I love creatives and artsy people.

 Wow, Rich-a little forward, much?

I'm biased, but I'd rather have the photographer's team win the baseball game.

Rich wants to force it because he's a fucking lunatic.

Is that a Pentax or an Olympus? Aw, I can't tell.

Big brother doesn't need to know everything.

     Damn-Christmas is almost here.

Don't give Richard an option... just fire his ass.

Yeah, Rich-we'll see you later. On the 10 o'clock news.

Stalking Laura is probably one of the best made for t.v. movies I've ever seen and it is an amazing character study that doesn't pull any punches in terms of quality and content. A movie like this would never be made today, which is a shame because I'm sure that this type of harassment still happens on a daily basis as it brings to light a psychological issue that I'm pretty sure isn't going to go away just by ignoring it. Do most people who stalk someone take it to the level that Richard did by the third act? Absolutely not, and something like this film can be a nice reminder to watch for certain people that just don't know how to take no for an answer. They need to be dealt with before things go to far and that's why California did what they did after this incident took place back in 1988. Stalking Laura is fantastic and can't be missed by zits and zombies that need their psychology major itch scratched if they are yearning to learn something new about a stalking case. Jesus I need to go to bed.   

The Velocipastor

After being away from you zits and zombies for so long, I decided to finally push my ass back into trying to develop a schedule for myself to try and keep up with my goals in life-and one of them is still to keep Cinema Slayer alive by finding, watching and reviewing the weirdest and oddest horror flicks I can possibly scrounge up. And look here-I found one on Amazon Prime Video called The Velocipastor. Not only is the title absolutely ridiculous and a hilarious play on words, but it also turned out to be fun as hell and I'm pretty sure that if the pastor at the church I used to attend started turning into a full-fledged dinosaur to do good by killing rapists, pedophiles, drug dealers and pimps...then I would be a man of the claw too. But I'm not. And he isn't either. I was worried when The Velocipastor first started within the first ten minutes or so because I just couldn't figure out if this monstrosity was being serious or not, but then it hit me-I'm watching a low budget horror flick about a religious priest named Doug that has the power to transform into a fucking dinosaur to kill people and rid the world of evil once and for all. How could it take itself seriously-it's just not possible. Especially since there is also the inclusion of ninjas for pretty much no reason other than Doug going to "China" for a vacation, only to see a random Asian woman running through the same forest he's hiking through, gets hit by an arrow, gives him a dino-tooth looking stone and tells him that he's "the dragon warrior" or some shit like that, and proceeds from there to become the man of God that can also morph into the cheesiest, grade-school looking dinosaur I've ever seen in my entire life. The animatronics and rubber suits in the t.v. show The Dinosaurs honestly look better than Doug does here in all of his jurassic glory, but really, this film isn't about how good the effects and all of that shit is-it's all reliant on the entertainment value. And it's loaded with it.

     If it's "rated x", then that's all I need to watch it.

VFX: car on fire-so is this a joke or is this edit unfinished?

Back packing across "China"-or someone's backyard in the middle of Virginia. Either way.

Dragon warrior? That's and NES classic!

Damn that was a short trip.

Just kick pimp daddy-o Richard Karn here in the sack and run away. Jesus Christ.

   What are you, gay?! Look at those peaches, brutha!

"There's surprisingly little demand for hooker-doctor-lawyers."

This velocipastor T-wrecks!! Hahahahhaahhhhaaaaahhahhah!!!!!

Over embellished, forced laughing is fun.

"God does not want people dead." Yeah, alright. I'm not even going to get started on that one.

Hell never changes? I thought it was war-war never changes.

  I've never really been a man of the cloth, but after sitting through The Velocipastor, I can for sure be a man of the claw. Honestly the biggest plus about this that I, a cult horror film reviewer can say about this piece is that it being played as straight as a freshly paved highway always makes me feel great speeding down it at 90mph. Windows down, metal up and maybe a beer in the cup holder without a cop finding out, this film delivers the goods on horrible acting, choreography, directing, gore and everything else that would be required for something of this caliber to put a smile on your gingivitis laced gums-The Velocipastor is a fucking win. Church will never be the same anymore because now I'm just expecting to see everyone in the clergy to either be a T-Rex or a raptor delivering a sermon. My saved game on Dragon Warrior from 1986 is still on the cart somehow. Guess it's time to finally save the king's princess.       

Gnaw

The name is short and to the point. The cover art is also short and to the point. The movie doesn't follow the same path however. Gnaw is loaded with some of the most generic, backwoods horror cliches' and audience predictions that could have ever been possibly shoved up it's 90 minute ass-but tries to redeem itself with gross-out scenes and a weird 2-3 person cannibal family where the mother cooks the victims and the son chases the main characters around kingdom come in some stupid looking wolf/bear suit thing that wasn't even menacing or terrifying at all. I mean, really-after taking your initial bite out of the food that was randomly set out on the kitchen table when they found the house in the middle of nowhere and there is hair and a finger nail in it, they didn't think twice? So damn frustrating. So boring. There was little to no tension build up or anything that made me even care about anything in this film, and what busts my balls even more is that this thing could have been solid. The gross-out cannibal idea could have worked if there was actual thought or effort put into this production, but unfortunately there wasn't. The ending just forces you to think that there is going to be a sequel (and there is) but this first offering just makes it reasonably unnecessary to even want to try and bother. If your going to bake a human pot pie, at least make it exciting and flavorful. Not some frozen drivel you can find in the refrigerated section of the dollar store. 

210,000 a year-that's a lot of missing persons.

Come on, Jethro! It's lunch time!

People will never learn that partying deep in the woods somewhere is never a good idea.

Flattest burgers ever.

I've only seen Jack for five seconds and I want him to get eaten already.

It's never to early for a bath.

Skully needs to get his eyes checked. His glasses are all scratched up.

Yeah. Bollocks.

Someone get this guy a respirator, or Darth Vader's helmet for fucks sake.

   Never wake up a sleepwalker.

They're probably really having Jimmy Dean for breakfast.

   So instead of saving your girlfriend from getting turned into a breakfast sausage, you run away. Wow.

Gnaw is a picture that I had a feeling I wasn't going to dig, and I was right. It just felt so lazy and vomited out that I'm still wondering more than a week later after watching it why the people involved even bothered. The plot offers nothing new, the characters offer nothing new and the gross-out stuff is really tame and off camera 99% of the time anyway so there isn't anything to garner from this except maybe just pissing 90 minutes down the drain because you feel like it. I didn't feel like it-I guess I'm just trying to find pieces of shit to add to my list for my worst of the year because so far I've had good luck in 2019. That's more surprising than anything that took place in Gnaw. I don't really know how to end this. So, I guess just don't watch Gnaw.    

Disconnected

I sort of just picked this at random on Amazon Prime recently, but Disconnected left me feeling... well, disconnected. I didn't like it. Normally this sort of sludge from the bottom of the horror/obscurity barrel gets me pumped for what's coming next, but this particular 82 minute stretch of beaten highway really left me dragging my feet. There's a lot of weird close up shots of a Groucho Marx statue in Alicia's apartment, her white dial-tone phone rings non-stop to the point of me wanting to beat my sweaty brow with a ball-peen hammer and pretty much nothing in this little world set in Connecticut really makes any sense. Really nothing. At the beginning, she helps an old guy up the steps to his apartment. Then she works at a video rental store (which is really the only great thing in this endurance run) some jack-ass comes in asking about porn while she is talking to some socially awkward fruitcake named Franklin. She throws the porn guy out. I don't think I even really know what to say about Disconnected besides the fact that not a whole lot happens. Alicia's phone constantly rings, and when she answers it it makes a lot of fucked up noises, Franklin is a serial killer behind closed doors, Alicia ends up drinking a lot of gin and smoking lots of cigarettes and then the film just kind of ends. There's no explanation, no twists, no surprises... nothing. Just an hour and twenty two of a young woman yelling at her phone and her working at a video store.

You can eat your lunch and go see a dead body.

You're going to have to scream-talk... this music is to fucking loud.

    Does doing magic tricks at a bar really work to pick up chicks?

Okay. This band sucks. Tell them to get lost.

Damn I miss video rental stores.

I have a vcr. I wish I had a beta.

Every rental store probably had that one guy that always came in asking about porn.

Looks like a good old fashioned choking with a phone cord to me.

Franklin's got some fucking issues.

That sucks-Barbara Ann is going out with the porn guy.

Glass cleaner to clean up blood. Sure, why not.

Anything Hitchcock is great.

 Zits and zombies, Disconnected wasn't to great because it tries to hard. There's a couple of side plots that seem like they are all going to come together to help out the very empty, very soulless skeleton that makes this picture up, but just as quickly as they came, they were gone. It would have been a huge help if the serial killer thing with Franklin actually went somewhere, but it doesn't. It would have been a huge help if the whole thing with Barbara Ann banging all of Alicia's boyfriends behind her back actually went somewhere, but it doesn't. It would have been a huge help if there was some kind of a reveal for who or what kept calling Alicia's phone over and over and over again, but there wasn't. I can't recommend you undead to watch Disconnected because there's nothing to watch. Unless you have a weird hang-up with phones from the 80's constantly ringing or black and white photos of a young woman drinking gin and smoking cigarettes. If you do, you need this on blu-ray. As soon as you help that old guy up the stairs.      

Hobbs End

I love it when I find random films at flea markets or during thrifting (especially ones that I've never seen or heard of) and Hobbs End was a curiosity I found last week at the Goryville flea market for under $1. My interest was piqued by the cover art because it showcases a random guy draped with flannel in the dead of winter clutching a chainsaw. The whole context of the photo lead me to believe it was going to be some sort of cheesy-assed Texas Chainsaw ripoff or something, but that's not the case at all. At All. This cover art is true marketing trickery (because it worked in getting me to buy it) and it's just another one of the many, many movies out there that lies to it's potential audience to sucker them in. Even though I was duped and now I have the paper sleeve release of Hobbs End as part of my collection-was it at least worth my initial watch? Surprisingly, yes. But the experience of sitting through this was much different than what I expected. The entire feeling I pulled from this picture was almost like I was reading a very well written thriller novel that I just couldn't put down. That's really the best way I can describe it. It flowed very well, the two main characters are very solid and are eventually fleshed out evenly and even though there was basically no kills (there's a couple, but they're off-screen and pretty basic) and no gore to speak of at all, I really enjoyed this thing for what it was. There's also a few twists that are sort of predictable and a red herring that I was actually wrong on, so there's that as well. Just wish that damn chainsaw made an appearance. It didn't.

I thought Hobbs Ends' population was 667? I guess I was wrong.

Holy shit-make this song stop. Please. No, don't turn it up. Goddammit.

    Winter is something I really don't miss.

Ah-back when old and new technology still crossed paths.

You might run out of gas soon. Just saying.

It's hard to decide if Ben looks like an 80 year old pizza delivery guy or an 80 year old lumberjack.

That's a hard nutshell. But Lacey cracked it.

Mr. forest camo is about to turn into Mr. red herring here in a minute.

That's not vodka-that's water.

Howard Hughes was a size 11 boot too, but no one cares about that.

 Yeah, you nomadic bastard.

Todd wants some of Lacey's cooking alright.

I think Todd is your husband, but we'll get to that later.

If you can find Hobbs End somewhere to watch it, I'd say check it out. From what little about this flick that I could find on the web and beyond, it seems like either really no one knows about this piece or if people have seen it, they didn't like it. That's a shame. Really. It's not that bad. This is a slower, dialogue heavy type of thriller that builds and builds on itself until the pressure can't be contained by the end and then it slams you in the face for sticking around. That's ultimately what I dig about Hobbs End-it yields a nice reward for being patient. Now that this review is done and I'm kind of buzzed, it's time to eat. Lasagna and garlic bread it is.  

Hooker With A Hacksaw

As deep as I've gone with indie horror for a long time now, Donald Farmer is a director of these types of no budget gore films that I've just never bothered to look into. If Hooker With A Hacksaw is any indication of his other work that is still a mystery to me, then I might just stay away. My year so far has mostly consisted of mediocre purgatory horror flicks that I'll never revisit ever again, and this one fits right in with the rest of them. I won't sit here and lie to you zits and zombies-there is some pretty cool kills and sweet gore, but that's really it. The production value for this thing is probably worth the same amount as buying a new set of shoe laces for some cheap kicks at Payless, and there was little to no excitement or build up to anything great of any kind. There's plenty of product placement consisting of Bud Light and main girl Kasper Meltedhair wasting about five minutes of the run time trying on random halloween masks at Party City. Donald Farmer had no shame zooming out in the parking lot when she walked out of the store either, and it was clear as day that that's where she was at. Hell, even when she was inside I already knew where she was at before that event took place because who hasn't been to a Party City at some point. If you're in the weird mood for really scummy characters, seeing a girl gut a guy with a hacksaw and then jack-off his intestines as she pulls them out of his stomach then go ahead. Put a new blade on it first though.

I was going to say that a chainsaw would be easier but... whatever.

Fucking thrash!

Gas is $1.95?! Where the hell do these people live?

So pharm-techs are junkies... I knew it.

 That's obviously a plastic skeleton.

Shit man-got enough ketchup?

Flea markets are always a pleasure.

C'mon Raymond.... you're dressed up like Leonardo DiCaprio lost his acting gigs and signed up as the new magician at Denny's.

 "What do ya' think, pig-boy? Do I give good head?!"

Donald Farmer must have paid Bud Light plenty of cash for how many times I've seen it in the background.

It's easy to party at Party City by yourself.

Hacksaw to the nuts!

Bettie Page spray painted on the side of a building is always fun.

What ultimately makes me sad about Hooker With A Hacksaw is that it has potential. With a little bit more of a spin-kick to the groin with production values and a smidgen added to the budget, I think this would have been a winner. It could have been an indie gem that everyone in the horror community needed to see, but it just isn't there for me and I can't recommend it unless you're drunk on the floor with nothing better to do or your spouse kicks you out of bed at 3a.m. for snoring to loudly and you end up watching something weird for the sake of watching something weird. With a piece of pizza and some milk and cookies. I clap my hands together loudly for Donald Farmer creating his art because that's what he wants to do, but I personally think he needs to save up a little more dough for next time so he doesn't fall short. By the way, Linnea Quigley is in here for .5 seconds on a t.v. in the background when Kirsten is on the phone with some ass-clown that's calling her for some business. Yeah. That's all the screen time she has. I need my septum pierced again. Twice.            

Mindkiller

Don't be fooled by the cover art of Mindkiller. It's way more bad-ass than this film could ever be. And even after putting those words down to start this review, I've actually sat through this thing four times before I decided to jot some shit down on paper. Roughly 80% of this picture are scenes of horrendously executed character development and the tripiest of tripe dialogue. I don't actually think tripiest is really a word, but the script for this thing stinks. It reeks of the trash that I just put out in front of my house yesterday to get picked up today, and I can still smell it after it's gone. But somehow, I still enjoyed Mindkiller for what it is. It's one of those weird ones where I could watch it four more times after this review and I won't get bored of it. The special effects in the final 20 minutes stack up to being something I wish this offering had more of because in all reality, the final act is the only exciting part of this to take a bite out of. Basically, Warren is a fucking introverted loser that works at a library. He's addicted to self-help videos that are focused on learning how to pick up women. Because he wants to be good-damn good. The guy that even hosts the tapes themselves looks like some kind of 80's high school science teacher that tried to dress up like Harold Ramis when he was pre-Ghostbusters, and has some of the lamest advice he could possibly ever give to a guy like Warren. He goes to a bar quite often with his friend Larry called "swingles", and is one of the most awkward bastards that I've ever seen trying to hit on various women. He's sick of it, sick of his roommate Brad getting all the action, and eventually stumbles on a manuscript in the basement of the library written by some guy that figured out how to expand your mind and put literal mind control to good use. That's where things start building up.

Both life and death-10 feet away.

Yeah, slide it under the door!

Rex Hunter is the Bob Ross of picking up women.

       I guess sometimes you have to slap on an ugly leisure suit from the 70's, fire up that disco ball and spill some popcorn all over a cute blonde at the bar.

Warren might be a Black Flag fan.

"I got the whole thing on video tape-get your library card ready if you want a copy."

If some random manuscript buried in the basement of a library could turn a woman into a slut like that, then I'm breaking into my local library later tonight.

 You've got it made if you can use your psychic powers to make all of the candy spill out of a vending machine.

"Care for a mint, Svengali?"

Hey Mr. Townsend... put your clothes back on.

Is that wine or Hawaiian Punch? Either way, Warren is turning into a douche-bag.

Roughly around the halfway point through Mindkiller, Warren turns from a likeable loser into a self-centered ass-hat who is hellbent on being with Sandy. Him and Larry even run into her at swingles with a bunch of female co-workers from the library, and he gets her alone and asks her about her personal policy about going out with peers from their workplace. She says it's different because they are women and then he just slowly slips into a personal madness that ultimately procures into the monster from the cover art bursting out of the top of his head and climaxes with Larry shooting lightning out of his fingertips and frying the monster like Raiden electrocuting Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat. Zits and zombies, there is a high level of endurance that you would need to make it to the end of Mindkiller, and unfortunately, I have it. I enjoy the library-but not for renting out "how-to-pick-up-women" tapes. Or strange mind control manuscripts. I need to renew my library card.    

Island of Death

The title of this particular Greek cult/horror flick is kind of underwhelming, considering all of the insane amounts of outlandishly perverted sexual acts that render space during this saga. Island of Death was a video nasty in the 70's and 80's for a reason, and even though most of the films that I've sat through that were on that list back then really didn't deserve such hate-I think they got it right with this one. It was way ahead of it's time in terms of being free with showing a gay couple and a lesbian couple actually proceeding with things of natural forces, and that's really just the tip of what this film puts you through. Christopher and Celia are siblings and they get down as well as everyone else does in this picture. There's also sex with a lamb that is beheaded afterwards, Chris pisses on an older woman that is considered the island whore before they get going with their bedtime romp and then he just beats the shit out of her all through her house until she's unconscious. And then him and his sister carry her out of the house and he decapitates her with a fucking earth mover of all things. There are so many bat-shit scenes in this thing that I'm actually surprised I even made it to the end because normally I don't tolerate a lot of weird sexual material when I take notes on something for my blog, but it was a cult flick that I've really been wanting to see if it lived up to the hype, and yes, it did. I could go on forever plugging all of the insane shit in this picture-but I won't. You have to really see this stuff to believe it.

Sunburned is an understatement.

365 churches? That's to many. Call a black metal band to come and take care of that.

A house-nice, warm and cheap. This guy needs to find a nice, warm and cheap shower too.

Holy crap-a payphone.

Mario Mario is a dirty bastard. Look at his face.

Instead of everyone hates Chris, it's more like Chris hates everyone.

Well I guess Chris is going to have to kill his sister now. Even though he had sex with a lamb. Yeah.

You couldn't tell that guy was gay? Get real.

Murdering people does burn off a lot of calories.

Dark room artists.

Who invited Shaft?

"I hope he's got a waterproof watch!"

 Zits and zombies, I still don't actually know if I even liked Island of Death. The cinematography was very clean and interesting, the audio is great and you can hear everything the way you're supposed to. Colors pop and physically this film looks outstanding, especially since most of it takes place on the island of Mykonos. It's always amazing outside and everything just looks so good. But then there's a lot of rape, sexual deviancy, some guy getting nailed to the ground in the same way Jesus was nailed to the cross and was forced to drink white paint until he choked to death. A lesbian that has a heroine problem and just wants to have it with any female she comes in contact with. This was probably made just for shocks' sake, and even today I think it works. So I guess I can give credit where credit is due and just leave it at that. I don't think I'll be revisiting this anytime soon, and now that I know that I probably won't get the Arrow Video blu-ray either. For true sickies only.     

Evils Of The Night

This one has been sitting on my Amazon Prime list for quite some time because I've had lots of other films I wanted to soak in first, and to be fair Evils Of The Night wasn't completely horrendous or anything. I'm chalking it up to being a purgatory picture because it seriously had so much potential compared to what it actually contains that it made me kind of sad a little bit. The concept for it was pretty decent as it's just a group of aliens that want to kidnap young people between the ages of 16-25 (or something like that) so they can be drugged and drained of their blood in the "hospital". They are doing this to increase their life expectancy by 200 years and are paying normal assholes like the two idiots working at the auto shop nearby in gold coins every time they capture someone and bring them in. I really, really was hoping that this offering was going to have some solid blood and kills, but there's pretty much little to none of that here. I'd venture to say that roughly three quarters of Evils Of The Night has got to be teens either having sex or wanting to have sex and the main focus of the aliens hiring people to collect them to farm their blood is almost an afterthought. Zits and zombies, it's been awhile since I've been disappointed by a horror film instead of just outright hating it because like I said at the begining, this had potential and it just falls short. There are plenty of 80's hotties to see with their clothes off (and you do see everything on pretty much all of them) but when it comes to this business, more of a balance between blood and boobs is what's needed for me to raise my hands in spiritual ecstasy. Unless I'm just really in the mood for one or the other.

      A lot of 80's horror movies with aliens start with people having sex and the aliens spaceship in the middle of the woods.

Who has a picnic at midnight?

That cooler better have beer in it.

These alien chicks look like crappy extras from Barbarella or something. 

All I can think of while this dude got zapped by this green ring is the theme from Captain Planet.

Just keep bouncing. Please. Just keep bouncing.

 Blonde bimbos are great. But brunette's are better.

I don't think I've ever heard such a cheesy-ass soundtrack while people are having sex.

Wow-if these guys are the killers, they are dressed like the Maytag repair guy.

Can you store human blood in Snapple bottles? I guess you can.

  Everyone is an alien around this dump.

 Yeah. I really wanted to dig this one zits and zombies, but it just wasn't quite there. I will say this though-the final act when the two auto-mechanic jackasses steal Brian's car with Connie and Heather sleeping in the backseat does start to heat things up a bit with a dollop of tension and dread because as an audience member you know what's going to happen-you just don't know how. The two girls and Brian end up being tied up to the pillars in the back part of the shop and it's a pretty tense scene with Kurt trying to have his way with Connie and people get killed with power tools and other things. Evils Of The Night really is just an 80's curiosity at best, and hey... maybe you'll like it more than I did. The only way to find out is to watch it. I need some cough syrup. Laters. 

Gory Gory Hallelujah

There's something to be said when an indie horror flick like Gory Gory Hallelujah comes around and knocks me on my ass. Really a true hidden gem when it comes to this type of material, I couldn't believe how much fun I actually had watching this flick. Clocking in at 96 minutes, the pace is so furious and executed so well that it honestly felt like a 60-70 minute sprint across the finish line with nothing but an overjoyed smile across my face that pushed me to perspire beyond a reasonable doubt that the people involved with this flick need to work on something new. And they have. This film was directed by Sue Corcoran, and the most recent thing she has worked on is producing a film called Sadie last year. I need to check that out if her output is this damn entertaining because there is nothing left out and everything you need to be fully entertained here. Every character is likeable (even the ones your supposed to hate) the comedy is absolutely superb in it's delivery and stature, and the lighthearted poise of everything that takes place during this thing literally made me sing my alternative cinema praises as I was taking my notes down. All of the situations flowed so well together that no beat was missed and no step was tripped. Zits and zombies, if you like films that make fun of religion without being incredibly dark about it, post-apocalyptic movies that only setup that background with simply a mushroom cloud or some of the most over-the-top stereotypical characters that you can possibly find, Gory Gory Hallelujah is for sure a pool you need to dive into. It's definitely hot enough for it.

  Jesus was black? I never knew that.

This dude reminds me of Sinbad. Love it!

  I guess you can be a little to Jewish.

After all that, the director of this shitty play is going to be Jesus anyway. What a waste of time.

That's a shame. Every hot redhead needs some good sex.

Bar hall Elvis brawl!

It's been a while since I've watched a movie that has a great fat sheriff.

I hope you paid the ferryman his coin to take you across the River Styx.

A cat house is the last punishment I expected. And how is that a punishment anyway?

This has to be the greatest, weirdest christian family ever.

A phallus made of gold? I don't like where this is going.

Speaking of over-the-top, the best scene in this picture has to be when the four main characters end up in a bar after riding their bikes for a long period, and they end up fighting an entire gang of Elvis impersonators. It sounds ridiculous, and it is, but it's really one of the best scenes in this entire thing. The jokes and puns the Elvis' use before the fight starts are absolutely terrible in the best way and you can't help but laugh. Zits and zombies, I really don't think I have much more to say about Gory Gory Hallelujah except to just hop on Amazon Prime and watch it. If you don't like it, you don't have a sense of humor. That's all there is to it. By the way-if you're going to audition for a play for the part of Jesus, make sure you nail it. It might be the end of the world as we know it. And you'll have to fight a whole bunch of Elvis'.     

Psychos In Love

Some horror comedies lean pretty heavily towards the comedy side, and Psychos In Love is no exception. I wouldn't even really say that this film is particularly "horror" as it would be considered more of two insane serial killers coming together and starting to date because of their personal disdain of grapes. Yeah-grapes. Purple ones, green ones, ones with seeds. In bunches and in two's and three's. They fucking hate grapes. It's a joke that is threaded through the entire picture, and somehow I never grew tired of it. You get to meet Joe who is the main dude in this flick that kills women at random and owns a bar/strip club, and Kate who is a manicurist that makes house calls to men's houses to, well, give them manicures and kills them when they start talking about the weather. Men and women are both stabbed and murdered in various gory ways all while having the funnies in the background with these two love birds just being together because what's a better way to build a loving relationship than to keep it open enough to keep on killing. And that's basically what Psychos In Love is all about. They hate grapes and they murder people. There's also a plumber named Herman that is a cannibal who eats his customers after he plumbs their kitchen sinks. I'll be honest here zits and zombies by saying that his character was probably the best of the whole show and I actually wished there was a sequel or a prequel that just focused on Herman. That would have been the tits.

   I don't want to watch this chick sit on the toilet.

Someone really likes killing cute girls.

There's plenty of women's asses that I'd love to sink my teeth into.

That's not blood, that's strawberry pancake syrup.

Why would you offer a hot chick that walks into your bar a glass of grape juice?

"Baby, you look hotter than the weather."

Watch out for Serj Tankian in the background there.

I never knew you could clean your windshield with a sledgehammer.

Even serial killers can find love.

"As a kid I used to do pushups with my tounge."

Everyone in this film is a psycho!

It may not have been fun, but at least you killed that bastard.

Alright, kill this bitch. Please. Kill her.

Along with Joe and Kate having sex, killing people and participating in what seems like a normal relationship as any regular couple would, Psychos In Love also breaks the fourth wall a few times for the sake of the comedy and pacing of the film towards the final twenty minutes or so. Really what it comes down to here is that this picture is damn goofy. I loved every minute of it and I even went back and watched some various scenes over again before getting this review together because I enjoyed certain spots in the film that much. This definitely is not for everyone as I feel some people that aren't into this sort of thing would probably react like how I do with spoofs or parodies (read my reviews on Saturday the 14th and Wacko) because for non-horror or serial killer fans, this might not sit well with some. If you are inclined to give this a go, make sure you pick a plumber out of the phone book by actually doing some research-not by closing your eyes and calling the first one you stab the page with via a kitchen knife. This isn't 1987 anymore.     

Wacko

I must really not have a taste for parody films or spoofs (even though Airplane! is an all time classic) because every time I sit down to try to enjoy one of these things, I end up either being bored out of my fucking skull or I want to shave my head and change my name to Crisco-Chris. I honestly have no idea what that name means, but the point I'm trying to sway you undead towards is that these films, for me at least, seem to never have a point or any relevance. I never find them funny and I just can't wait until the end credits so I can finally switch over to something that doesn't make me want to drink acid out of a car battery or shock myself with my wife's hair dryer while taking a shower. Wacko is loaded with absolutely horrendous jokes, poor timing, unbelievably annoying and over-the-top characters that all need to be offed at some point and some jackass wearing a giant pumpkin on his head as a costume for Halloween. All of this adds up to an equation with no real solution and me ultimately realizing that I'm still not that great at arithmetic. I feel like Wacko is actually worse than Saturday The 14th (comparatively) basically in the way that it felt like it was trying to hard to make the audience laugh at what was going on instead of setting the jokes up and then delivering. Again zits and zombies, it all comes down to taste-and I think it tastes like shit.

You'll die as you live with the flash of the blade.

          Pam is stuffing her bra. You already know what kind of girl she is.

Seems like pops was getting a sneak peak of his daughter in her undies. Eww.

The hell is up with this guy trying to see his daughter naked?

"Your father is a doctor-he kills people everyday!"

Oh hi, Billy Corgan! When's the Smashing Pumpkins reunion tour?

 Damn! I've got a hard case of lady in red here!

 I guess Gene Simmons had to get his start somewhere.

Stop wasting my time and get to the fucking exposition already.

Seriously, who has a miniature lawn mower in their locker. Especially a high school kid.

Yeah, you got a date with destiny. And a prison sentence for making out with a fifteen year old girl.

Mutant League Football wasn't something I was expecting here.

 Zits and zombies, if you're into spoof flicks with fucking terrible jokes that can't land any better than me trying to land my character in Pilotwings 64 with the hang glider, than go for it. Every other scene has an older man trying to get with a really young girl, or that dude that keeps trying to see his daughter with no clothes on. I just don't get it. Explain how that is supposed to be funny. It's not. Avoid at all costs unless you really dig these kinds of flicks or just have a sense of humor only an individual from an institute would enjoy. If you ask me, I'm sticking with either The Naked Gun series, Airplane!, or Slap Shot. No more shitty horror parodies for me.