Burglar From Hell

 

For me, Frank The Tank very quickly became an SOV fan favorite. I almost feel like there's nothing he can't do, and do it he shall. He pisses on a dead guy in broad daylight, his weiner falls off and barrels right out of the leg of his pants, which he shrugs off and keeps on killing-the man is an undead genius in my book. I still haven't quite figured out what's up with his face constantly melting or bloating and releasing-maybe it's because he's technically a zombie and that's part of what he has to go through to live his life that way, but as long as he can curse and spout some deliciously ridiculous one-liners that are both impactful and lame in the same context, I'm forever grateful. I'm not a huge pundant for sequels, but I kind of wish that there were a Burglar From Hell 2, because that would just mean more Frank The Tank, more losers like Jake getting stabbed in the stomach with a square shovel while he's on the toilet taking the worst shit of his life and more Debbie D showing her fantastic chest. Bookie had a golden opportunity to get a piece of that illustrious pie while he was trying to help Heather study for a major test coming up in school, and he ends up sweating profusely and just chickening out. Lame. Forget the damn school work man and get'cha dick rubbed, son. I will say on more of a sour note about Burglar From Hell though is that it kind of felt really fucking slow in some spots which drug this piece down a lot, but honestly, it wasn't anywhere being enough for me to become bored or to want to start counting sheep. The pace does wave and feels uneasy here and there, but the overall experience of sitting through Burglar From Hell really was a great time.  

An old woman is out in her yard putting clothes up on the clothesline when Frank The Tank decides to show up in his car to spy on her, smoke a ciggy and talk to himself about how she's a bitch and he knows that she has money. Lots of money. Some neighborhood watch guy finds him sitting in his car and tries to convince him to leave, only resulting in good old Frank strangling him so hard that blood starts gushing everywhere out of every angle of his neck. Jesus, how much pressure do you need to exude on a dude's neck to make it bleed like that from strangulation? Frank gets into the woman's house while she's sitting in a chair doing nothing, she gets startled, he smacks her around a few times and then she blasts him in the chest with a shotgun. And he falls onto a huge white towel that wasn't on the floor a moment before so the fake blood doesn't get everywhere. The production value here is astoundingly hilarious and doesn't care at all if the audience notices because SOV's never do. They exist only to entertain, not to bring life lesson's or philosophy. The old lady buries Frank in her backyard and has a heart attack. What an opening. That's all before the credits. Get yer' snacks now because once Frank comes back, it's all shitty relationships, boobs, black magic and crusty, smelly one-liners from here on out.

That clothesline squeaks like hell.

Frank The Tank is getting fired up.

How hard do you have to squeeze a man's neck to make him bleed?

It takes some serious balls to piss on a dead man's body in broad daylight.

Don't hurt her she says. After Frank already beat her up he did.

When your girl gets pissed, just read an independent movie mag. It will make everything better.

Who even cares about living with a woman before getting married being a sin?

Wheezy, Weller and Fred. What a glorious loser trifecta.

I think your relationship does need a breather.

That kind of was like a PSA.

Jake shouldn't care-he's used to sleeping in his car and on the beach.

Jesus, Bookie is a spaz.

Zits and zombies, I forgot to even mention the whole thing with this black chick named Token that can do curses and rain dances and all of that shit. She needs everyone to fully believe in her to make this stuff work, and getting towards the end it does. She ends up cursing everyone with some stomach issue that only makes Jake have to take an insane dump for some reason, and everyone else that tagged along to rent the old lady's house for the weekend gets killed by Frank The Tank in some form or fashion. Let's be real here-Burglar From Hell is not unlike any other SOV from the 80's and 90's in the way that a lot of random shit happens, but most of it makes no sense. That's the appeal besides that do-it-yourself spirit that those people possessed and craved during those years, and I'm glad that these films are bubbling up to the surface for us to lap up. If you want to see some dude rob an old lady in a black Kool t-shirt with that logo emblazoned on the front of it in screeching early 90's hot pink, you're in luck. Have Token do some spells on you first-it might enhance the experience.