Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout

 

When my brothers and I were growing up in the 80's and 90's, our mom was obsessed with those workout tapes of the time-Jane Fonda and Abs/Buns of Steel come to mind ferociously because those were in a constant loop, being ran by her in our VCR back then almost on a daily basis. The three of us would tease her about it all the time because we were kids and we just thought it was funny watching her do what the fitness people were doing on those said tapes. It's honestly kind of a bizarre memory that I never thought I would ever see any of those magnetic chunks ever again, and I have actually ran across the Buns of Steel and Abs of Steel tapes randomly quite a few times while thrifting for horror flicks and video games over the years. You would think that a horror or "scary" variation of such a thing would be cool to sit through, right? Have the top scream queen of the day lead an aerobics instruction for you to stretch and do the splits in your own living room so you can stay ultimately limber and firm in your body to combat being a lazy, fat slob while doing a Thriller-esque cardio dance with a bunch of random zombies by the side of an inground pool? Sounds like and awesome time, doesn't it? I really hate to say it, but it's not. Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout is a fucking stinker that any horror hound should avoid, even if you're on the lookout for rarities or curiosities from the late 80's and early 90's. I really like the idea of fear factored into a solid, blood pumping fitness regime hosted by a high class, well known scream queen from the 80's, but this was just put together for the novelty of it and to sell more stuff that starred Linnea in it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I just think that the execution was phenomenally terrible and sometimes being cheesy can go a little to far, and this is a prime example of that.

This piece starts off with Linnea rambling on for awhile about things that have happened to her in some of her movies (mostly Creepozoids and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama) which is hastily bookended by her starting to do some full body stretches as she's locked into the splits in the middle of the floor on some putrid orange carpeting. I have to say this because it's overbearing to me as a music nerd, but the music that was put together for this made me pray for my ears to suddenly quit working. The same keyboard melodies layered on top of the same percussion and treble lines over and over and over and over again will not stop playing as she is performing these stretches, and I literally almost lost it. I did end up turning the volume down because of this maddening display of audio torture (hell, I should have just muted it) because I think I would have eventually wanted to pull a Butthole Surfers and just shove pencils in my ears to stop the insanity. Linnea unfortunately goes on for quite awhile doing this until she decides to change clothes and goes for a random jog by a cemetery which is the cue for the dead to rise and to follow her to an inground pool that is just there for whatever reason. She insults all of them by pointing out how flabby and out of shape they are from laying in their graves for so long, and then they start dancing. More awful 80's synth music accompanies this and I was really hoping something stupid would happen like a zombie falling into the water or maybe one pushes Linnea into the water or something-anything-to break the weak flow of this thing to get the end already. There is a big lie to indulge in before the credits start-they promote the fact that they were going to do some kind of horror cooking film-thing or something that was never released with Linnea in a sexy apron putting a severed hand into a boiling pot of water. That honestly would have been a lot more fun.

Linnea is in the shower in pretty much every movie she's ever been in.

Eddie from Iron Maiden?

Aww, but giant mutant rats are fun.

Nothing wrong with a cat fight involving two hot blondes in short skirts.

Gotta stay in shape with a "nice, long, hard workout".

I'm going to be honest-I didn't think this was going to actually be a workout video.

Linnea sure is limber, isn't she?

I can stretch any muscle I want, Ms. Quigley.

The zombies want to go for a solid jog too!

Man, this is like the aerobics version of Thriller!

 I wonder if anyone actually worked out along with this tape back in the 90's?

Damn, I was really thinking that this slumber party was going to have Michelle Bauer in her underwear-or at all. 

Zits and zombies, Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout is a product of it's time. It has no relevance now what-so-ever, and should be taken as a curiosity piece because the novelty of this entry is pretty heavy handed. There is no way in hell something like this would be made today, and that's the only importance I can see of something like this being preserved for future time and space. To remind us of how lame sexual innuendos can be and about how this was a massive missed opportunity to have Brinke Stevens and Michelle Bauer in their nighties, prancing around at a slumber party, only to have Linnea stab them in the back or the throat with a giant machete. The girls that were in the slumber party were okay and nothing to really brag about (except for maybe Dee Dee) but beyond being novelly curious about what the horror or zombie version of a workout tape from 1990 would be like starring the top fear girl from the 80's, there's no real reason to even bother with this one. I'll just go watch Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama again for the thousandth time-Michelle Bauer and Brinke Stevens are both nude in that one. Good fucking times.