Goobers!

 

I have watched plenty of Full Moon slosh over the years, but I've never bothered to delve into their sister label destined for children films-Moonbeam Entertainment. Yeah, the weirdo's behind Puppet Master, Demonic Toys, Killjoy and Dollman have a side studio dedicated to movies for kids, and I have to say-if Goobers! is any indication of how any of the other fare from that dark side of the moon is a result, I don't even think I would suggest parent's let their kids watch this crap. A guy like me sitting through shit like The Gingerdead Man and Bad Channels is one thing, but a kid sitting through Goobers! is entirely something else. I don't even know if I would let my daughter watch this if she asked me to-and it's not even because of the actual content-it's the quality. The absolute mind and genital numbing quality. What's in the film is perfectly fine for kids to be quite honest, it's just the tone here is sooooo damn awkward and even for me being close to forty years old, it was just putrid in a way that I almost can't describe. I guess the best way is the old adage of driving past a wreck on the highway and you know you shouldn't look, but you do anyway. I really couldn't believe what I was seeing and I'm pretty damn sure that if I had saw Goobers! when I was a kid, I would probably pretend for the rest of my life that it doesn't even exist. I don't quite get the parody title against The Goonies either because this film isn't a group of kids going on some epic adventure to follow a pirate's treasure map in hopes of becoming rich and famous-Goobers! is a goober of a film that deals with the fact that Tommy senses something strange about the monster/creature things that are on set with all of them while filming their show, and eventually figures out their some kind of bizarre aliens being hunted down by Groon and Queen Mara. And they live in some kind of box or... treasure chest. Fine. That's the only similarity. Nothing else is parallel.

This hunk of stinky cheese starts itself off by us watching an episode of Captain Mike's Mystery Monsters being filmed, and Tommy messing things up. He gets curious about the monsters themselves and tries to figure out if they're real or not, and what a fucking surprise, they are. Pretty much the whole film after this opening scene is Tommy trying to convince everyone that Blop, Squidgy and Esmerelda are actual beings from space or another world-and the oh-so-tired theme of no one believing him is right there, waiting to smother him in wasted time and shrugged shoulders. Not even his cute co-star Susie gives a good shit and even writes down her therapist's number for him to seek help. Man, even for some chick that's eleven (maybe twelve) years old, how much of a bitch can you possibly be? And I really wish that I could say that a lot (or even any) of the stupidity that takes place in this thing made me at least chuckle a little bit, but unfortunately for this offering, I truly don't think I laughed a single time. At anything. Not once. The puppets themselves didn't even make me crack in the slightest-I think I actually felt sorry for them this time around and wanted to donate some money or a bowl of soup to them individually just so they could make it through the production. Charles Band, if for some insane reason you stumble across this review and actually read it, never, ever make children's movies ever again. Just don't do it. Point that moonbeam in a different direction. Someone besides us needs the radiation and the moonlight a lot more.

Captain Mike, Squidgy, Blop and Esmerelda-what a cast.

 Your popcorn strings were eaten!

Let me guess-Tommy is going to start investigating something "magical" on the set, right?

"You know what happens to little kids that don't follow Captain Mike's rules? They get fired!!"

That looks like a treasure chest from Zelda: Breath of the Wild.

 Everyone needs privacy you little bastard.

Wow, what shitty drywall was used to build this backstage area? Tommy barely put any effort into carving a peeping hole into the changing room wall.

Holy shit, you wasted your whole life looking for a baseball card that's worth $120. What a damn loser.

Your therapists name is Dr. Weinstein? Good luck.

This Groon guy is basically the physical embodiment of Google and Wikipedia all wrapped into one.

Ha, Blop farted. 

Zits and zombies, Goobers! is just stupid. The overall tone here is unique to be honest, but it's also really awkward and to my amazement was pretty difficult to track anything down online about. Maybe Charles Band realized how downtrodden this film is after it was put out on dvd and tried to bury it. If that's what really happened, then I'd say good call. No one needs to see this. The only miniscule redeeming thing here is the woman that played Queen Mara is pretty sexy, but that's truly it with this piece and I hope Full Moon as a whole just never even bothers making children's content ever again. If you're craving a dive into that sector of garbage film making, just stick with some of their flagship stuffs like Puppet Master or maybe even Evil Bong. I'm more inclined to watch Blade slice some asshole's fingers off in an elevator than shitty alien kid muppets playing cards and smoking stogies with Captain Mike. Alright, time to go back into the secret magical treasure chest... forever.