Secret Santa review with my friend and special guest Geoff of the Gcap Recap

 

I wrote an actual review for this a number of years ago here on the Cinema Slayer site, and for Christmas this year I wanted to revisit it to see if I still enjoyed it as much as I did the first time around. I actually think I liked it more this time as now I feel like this is a Christmas horror flick that should be absorbed by any and all fear fans that are into this sort of ruination of the holiday spirit. Secret Santa is certainly far from perfect, but even with it's intrinsic flaws, it's an amazing piece of grinding and killing all-the-way. Geoff and I point out multiple times in the video that Carissa is a hottie bad girl, Olivia is a garbage cook and Nicole is a really adventurous camgirl that has a simp following. Even before that really was a thing. Those guys really are some sad motherfuckers.

Cocaine and caffeine aside, Secret Santa shouldn't be a secret.

The gore and kills are really well done, the comedic timing of certain situations and Dwayne in particular are hilarious and there really is an ending here that I didn't see the first time I watched this and completely forgot about the second time. Zits and zombies, if there is any Christmas horror you're going to bother with towards the end of the year (in between opening presents, getting wasted and stuffing your face) make sure you keep Secret Santa in your back pocket. As a secret-or not. It's really up to you. Thanks again Geoff of the Gcap Recap for providing his beautiful voice to lend a hand in reviewing this one for the holidays. Much appreciated, son. Now I need to put my Santa suit on to scare my daughter. I love being a dad.  

Freddy's Nightmares-my first foray into reviewing a tv show

 

Like I said at the beginning of this video, I'm not one to really watch a whole lot of tv. My main substance with any kind of video violence are shitty horror and cult movies, particularly the ones that most people haven't heard about or don't give two good shits about. Either way, now is as good a time as any to start diving into the Freddy tv series from the 80's, especially since it seems like there's a wave of Youtubers and reviewers in general that are starting to gravitate towards reviewing episodes of some of their favorite shows and shows that no one seems to be talking about. It really doesn't seem like anyone has done any episodic reviews of Freddy's Nightmares because I looked high and low and the only thing anyone has ever uploaded about it are overall series overviews and random uploads of episode promos and trailers. 

That's really it.

So since I have every episode at my disposal, I decided it's my duty to watch and review the entire series and do episode reviews one by one. It's going to be a monumental task to go along with my huge list of movies I still want to make videos for, but I'm trying to stay busy-besides watching and raising my daughter of course. So stay tuned, zits and zombies-Freddy's gonna get'cha.  

Hard Hunted-My next Andy Sidaris Review

 

My journey into the world of Andy Sidaris films continues with the somewhat mediocre entry titled Hard Hunted. That doesn't mean that it wasn't enjoyable to sit through or that it's the worst of the bunch, but compared to the others, Hard Hunted was kind of lacking-primarily in the pacing department. The overall flow of this thing was a lot slower than some of my favorites from the man, and there were plenty of spots that drug harder than a queen in the middle of downtown New York on a Sunday night. Jesus, that's kind of rough. Maybe it didn't drag that damn hard, but I think you know what I mean zits and zombies. Parts of Hard Hunted are really slow and can put your ass to sleep.

It does bring it all back however with gorgeous women, perfectly perky boobies and objects expending their stored energy via loud noises and kinetic heat. In other words, lots of things blow up.

The plot of Hard Hunted is simply that some bad guys want this fake jade buddha statue that encapsulates a nuclear trigger with which they can control the entire planets nuke payload. Like I said in my video, let them hit the red button-who cares. The jade buddha statue honestly looks like I could go buy it from Five Below or the Dollar Tree and that's probably where they got it from for the movie. It's also complete with some of the worst gun fights in the history of cinema, a smoking hot blonde that out-shoots a supposed secret agent, a long winded scene where Dona Spier literally empties the chamber of a hand gun, takes it apart, puts it back together and then points it in the guards face so she can escape where she was captor to. He just stands there and watches by the way instead of trying to stop her. Really intelligent. Maybe Hard Hunted wasn't that bad after all. Ah, who am I kidding-they all basically have the same qualities. This one just sits more towards the bottom. See you zits and zombies soon after I motorboat Roberta Vasquez and Cynthia Brimhall.  

     

Movies I f@$%&*g hate #3- Greetings

 

I wish this was my second movies I fucking hate video, but it isn't. It's my third because I did make a movies I hate video for the absolutely grotesque, putridly shit-fuck stain of a "film" known as Blown. About two minutes after my video tearing that non-sensical fecal filth apart was posted on my Youtube channel, it was immediately blocked and removed because "it violated Youtube's community guidelines". Fuck your guidelines. They even sent me an email with a warning saying something to the effect of that if I ever post a video with similar content like that ever again, my channel will be taken down without so much as a warning or a notice.

So much for "broadcasting yourself". Isn't that the whole point of Youtube in the first place? Oh yeah, that's right-they were bought out by Google many years ago and they don't want you to have any rights or creative freedom. You can be as creative and expressive as you want as long you don't offend someone or hurt someone else's feelings. I don't give a shit about someone else's feelings. I just want to make my content the way that I think it should be made and if they don't like it they can ride a nuke all the way down.

Anyway, this post is supposed to be about Greetings, not saying shit about how Google and Youtube are a bunch of lefty pig-snouts. Just watch my video and not the actual movie of Greetings. Trust me, zits and zombies. Worst fucking birthday party of all fucking time.    

Doin' it live with Gcap Recap! Talkin' about the WNUF Halloween Special

 

Zits and zombies, I am floored and honored that my good friend Geoff of Gcap Recap asked me to do a livestream with him on Youtube. Now that my potato-face is out there, the mystery is gone. Not a single one of you has to worry or think about my rotting persona or decaying features ever again.

 Like it ever mattered in the first place.

Geoff and I discuss the wonderful WNUF Halloween Special that has just recently been released on blu-ray by Vinegar Syndrome and their partner label Terror Vision, and go through the main idea and plot of the thing to let you undead know that it is a worthy release. Some of the special features are disappointing because they truly clock in at just barely over a minute, but some extras are better than nothing. I just really wish the WNUF Christmas Special was actually at least featurette length, but unfortunately, it isn't. We also go on tangents about heavy metal horror movies, the Mount Rushmore of them, winter/snowboard horror flicks and shark movies for a brief moment.

This live with Gcap Recap was a blast and I hope we do another one in the near future. Thanks Geoff and to all of you as well. Keep on rotting in the free world.    

Jack O' Lantern (Final Halloween episode 2021)

 

Well zits and zombies, my final video for Halloween this year is edited and up on my Youtube channel. Can't believe that October will be over very soon and that we will move on to the traditional means of stuffing our faces during our most treasured of holidays to give thanks for our friends, family and country by means of turkey-like proteins and a drug titled tryptophan which will inevitably put everyone to sleep. Not to long after that, Old St. Nick's fat-ass will be ho-ho-ho'ing his way down our chimneys to leave gifts for the kiddies that have been good and to bury a hatchet in the heads of the ones that have not.

I love Christmas time.

Jack O' Lantern is a massive disappointment on Lionsgate's part, mostly because it sucks raw sewage out of a municipality drain pipe for it's acting, pacing and editing in some spots. This piece (of shit) is downright abysmal, and yet I still enjoy it somehow in spite of that. I really can't say that Jack O' Lantern is a fear flick you really should sit through at all, especially if you can find it because of how generic the title is. I bid you inspirational undead adieu' and have a safe time trick or treating, creating cavities for your dentist to take care of and scare the shit out of your neighbors. If you fail, dress up like a killer Santa with a hunting knife. The next killer holiday is always right around the corner.

The Barn (Halloween ep. 3 2021)

 

I'm still disappointed in myself at the fact that I waited so long to watch a gem like The Barn. While Halloween is the perfect time to experience new flicks like this, The Barn is one I passed up on for God knows what reason five years ago when it was first released, but now that I've sat through it more than once and made this video for it-it's a new favorite. Especially while inducing periodontal gingivitis after sucking down an entire bag of candy corn and washing it down with some random fall or pumpkin ale.

My teeth may fall out soon.

A couple of clown-shoes that are seniors in high school want to leave their mark as making this the best, last Halloween evaaaar so they pull pranks on Linnea Quigley and some kid that looks like he's dressed up as Cyclone from the sega genesis game Kid Chameleon. Costumes and scary stories are stupid by the way. There's a chick that is really trying to look and act like Kat Dennings (which I'm not complaining about) and she makes out with her boyfriend while watching a shitty horror flick at a drive-in. In 3-D. With their 3-D glasses on. Yeah. She's got nice boobs too. The Barn has a lot of solid kills and gore that will make you come back for more. Dr. Rock should be a real t.v. show. Just saying.

Hack-O-Lantern (Halloween ep. 2 2021)

 

Hack-O-Lantern has been a favorite of mine for a long, long time now zits and zombies and since I've never done a video review for it on my Youtube channel, now is the best time as any. Tommy is an innocent little boy with an annoying brother and sister who tattle on him and squirt one another with super soakers. Well his brother does that to his sister. That's irrelevant. Their grandpa likes to cackle a lot at everything and worship Satan, and when Tommy is of age (let's say somewhere between 25 and 30-ish) he pays him a visit so they can laugh, listen to some Ronnie James Dio and gives him his pentagram necklace for his ceremony on Halloween night.

This film by no means is good. It's hilarious and entertaining, but it's not good. There's at least some sweet nudity, a couple of cool kills and a really shitty comedian that I'm surprised anyone found funny at all. The Massacre Video blu-ray is outstanding and if you're a fan of garbage horror from the 80's or are a fan of garbage horror at all and still don't have a copy of this by now, what the hell are you waiting for. The power is in the blood. 

Black Pumpkin-My first review for Halloween this year

 

Ah, yes zits and zombies- I have been putting my blood, sweat and pumpkin seeds this year into doing actual reviews on my Youtube channel instead of whatever I did last year. I did make six "Halloween" videos for October last year, but I still don't really like how any of them turned out. This year, however, I have been doing full reviews of some great season-themed pictures and Black Pumpkin is the first one.

Bloody Bobby-Bloody Bobby-Bloody Bobby.

Black Pumpkin is a fantastic modern indie slasher that is nothing short of fun and full of references to other great films like John Carpenter's They Live, the original Halloween and Friday The 13th. The kids' teacher is named Mr. Carpenter for hell's sake. Films like Black Pumpkin don't take themselves to seriously and are there to entertain, put a smile on your face during Halloween time and to make you feel better about yourself after you've eaten an entire bag of candy corn. Make sure to check your candy-it might be perverted.     

Back from the dead-possibly?!

It's been quite a long time since I've written anything new on here zits and zombies, because of, well... life. As you can see though, I have slowly been updating everything on here with my new logo, I took down all of my old links and put up the new ones for my merch store, Instagram and Youtube channel and a couple of other things of interest. I have a photography website where I sell my camerawork on photoshelter.com and the link for Windmill Home Entertainment is there because not only are the guys that run that horror film distribution label kick-ass, but they have contacted me on Instagram and inquired if I wanted to be one of the Youtuber's that they promote on their site when they launch their content creator/reviewer portion of the website.

Of course, I said yes. Why wouldn't I? Have my brains been scooped out with a spoon by The Tarman? I don't think so.

Does this also mean that I will once again be writing random reviews on here as well as producing videos for my Youtube channel? It's very possible. I had left this site/blog (whatever) a long while ago because of that very reason, but ALOT has changed since then and since I'm trying to get myself out there more I don't see why I couldn't do both. All of my old reviews and posts won't be going anywhere, so you can still soak in the oldies if you want to as well as check out my content on Youtube, buy yourself some Cinema Slayer merch and stick your hand down your pants because we all have to do that sometimes. Yeah. Anyways, hope to be writing again soon. Hotchka, zits and zombies.