Witchboard

With modern, jump-scare, horror gutter-trash consistently being released in theaters these days just to make money, it's always the best option to go back and watch the good shit from the 80's. Witchboard is basically an 80's version of Ouija. And it's so much more entertaining. Tawny Kitaen plays main girl Linda in this spirit flick and it fully reminds me of why I have never messed with a Ouija board in the past, and I never will. That business is dangerous. I've heard many a story from people over the years that those things actually work and they have conjured up spirits that never should have been brought back. I even have an ex-girlfriend that tried to get me to do a Ouija board with her on a couple of occasions while we were dating. Of course, I wanted nothing to do with it. The world is cold enough as it is, let's not add to it. 

I love listening to people argue about whether God is real or not. Because he's not.

C'mon Jim, don't be a jackass.

I never realized that using a Ouija board had so many stupid rules.

"It's a lot stupid."   

The house is a mess. Clean it up.

Linda is a stone cold fox.

Is throwing a hatchet at someone at work considered horseplay? Or a soft error?

"You're a lazy scumbag." He sure is Jim.

Swooping Evil Dead camera angles.

 "Progressive entrapment?" Sounds like being a drug addict to me.

Mediums are phonies.

Zarabeth looks like Boy George.

Welcome to the house of seance'.

I felt like that it was necessary to throw in that Testament reference in there at the end. One of my favorite thrash metal bands from the 80's as well. So much 80's stuff with this film, isn't there? Now that I have this on dvd I need to hunt down the sequel. I know these are on blu-ray, but sometimes I don't really care about having everything on blu-ray. Sometimes I want that analog quality print of a movie and it has a certain charm about it. Witchboard is kind of like that to. It's charming, even though in some spots here and there, it feels like it's trying to hard even though you know it's a cheesy haunting flick anyway. Don't talk to David now.  

Box Set - itis: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Classic Series Collection

Without even saying anything or describing what this particular box contains, 95% of you reading this will already know what this is and why it's important. I know, this has nothing to do with horror or horror film collecting, but it's a box set that I have in my collection (horror or not) that I just felt like I had to commit a post to. And plus, at this time, I haven't watched anything recently for note taking. Ooopps. I'll get to that soon. Don't worry, zits and zombies. When Lionsgate first put this into print I believe back in 2011 or 2012, it was balls expensive. Somewhere around $200-$400 (online anyways) would get you the entire, 10 season run of the greatest cartoon ever made. My personal favorite. 99% of my childhood in a box. The one, the only... 80's TMNT cartoon. Now that it's more commercially available (thanks to those who spent that wad when it was first put out) it is $59.99 at Best Buy, brand new, for all of the turtles fans out there to finally have the entire series in one spot and not have to hunt down dvd after dvd to have all the episodes. And, on the box, it states that there is over three hours of bonus content. Cowabunga.

Price I paid: $59.99

Where did I find it?: Best Buy (Joliet, IL)

Print: Lionsgate

Run#: Probably the third or fourth. I just wish Lionsgate would've done a little more work on the packaging. The party wagon is great, it's just that there's no solid way to secure it when it's closed and the dvd's can easily fall out if you're not careful. I've done it twice already.

Movies included: All ten seasons of the original 80's TMNT cartoon. Including 3 hours of bonus material and extra episodes as well.

Is it worth it?: Of course it is! It's cheaper and a lot easier than hunting down all of the individual dvd's and seasons. Unless you've done so already and you want to upgrade, that's on you. It also takes up less shelf space.

Final: Every old school turtles fan needs this. Re-live dimension x. Shredder. Krang. Be-bop and Rocksteady. 23 dvd's of your childhood right here in one spot. Sixty dollars is all you need. It's so much more fun than a time machine.  
  

The Willies

As far as anthology horror flicks go, it's hit or miss for me. I love the first two Creepshow movies, Trick r' Treat (with Sam) is fantastic and John Carpenter's Body Bags is legendary. Even an anthology film such as Campfire Tales (I plan on writing a post about that some time soon. I have it on VHS) is pretty kick ass and is chock full of people that I think most of you would recognize. On the other side of the coin, there's complete garbage not worth wasting your time with such as Creepshow III, Nightmare Alley and Visions of Horror. Those three films make me sick to my stomach because they are so fucking bad, I can't believe I actually paid money for those while I was out movie hunting. The Willies, however, is a sure-fire bag of fun that just builds on itself as the film progresses and there are some familiar faces in here as well such as Sean Astin and Donkey Lips from Salute your Shorts. The way it compiles together is basically each story, one after the other, is set out to out do the one before it. And they get longer with each progressive story as well until the one at the end is roughly 30-40 minutes and I felt like the wrap around story tied it all together very cleanly in a neat little package that left me wanting there to be a sequel with the same exact cast, just with different stories. That's how much I enjoyed The Willes, and I think all of you zits and zombies would agree.

I have lots of great memories that involve camping. Including "the armpit fart band." That's a good one.

What's grosser than gross?

This woman doesn't need a fifteen piece bucket of chicken and a large chocolate shake.

Deep fried rat. Extra crispy.

"Father Hackett, ready to whack it." Now that's funny.

I'm always severely disturbed when someone puts an animal in a microwave. I can't handle that shit.

Why does the asshole, bully kid have to wear an Iron Maiden shirt? That makes us metal heads look bad.

A Garbage Pail Kids sticker inside that urinal. I love finding easter eggs.

Smartest, most accomplished monster ever.

Donkey Lips!

 It sure looks like a meth lab in here. It sure smells like a meth lab in here.

K.O.R.N. news? A coincidence or is this where Korn got there name from?

If you're not really into anthology horror and have already dismissed this as a waste of time, don't pass it by. I beg of you. It's so much fun. If anything, watch the last story that has Donkey Lips as the main character. It's really bizarre as it has him being a complete social outcast and he's obsessed with entomology and dead flies. He even bakes a batch of "chocolate chips cookies" and gives one to some girl at school only to have her take a bite and get a mouthful of cookie with flies in it. It's damn disgusting. And that's why it's great. This might be my new favorite anthology horror movie as of right now. Until something else flies around. That was bad. Sorry.   

Return of the Living Dead part II

There's George Romero zombie flicks. And then there is everything else. There is an entire franchise of Return of the Living Dead zombie films, and I've only seen the first three. Someone needs to release a restored, uncut version of the the third one on dvd or blu-ray. Or something. I will not buy a copy of the third installment specifically for that reason. And from what I have gathered about part II, the dvd I have has an alternate soundtrack. I honestly don't remember what the original soundtrack is, so I personally never noticed a difference when I watched this recently and I still enjoyed it. I just love the cover art for this movie as well. I just looks so... metal. As far as liking the film itself, I think it's on par with the first one- except there's no punk chick running through a graveyard butt-ass naked. That's a shame. The acting is great, I loved the special effects, and my favorite scene is probably where a zombie gets blown in half by a double barrel shotgun and you can see all the glistening sludge and blood on it's body as the bottom half of it's torso still walks around. Very kick ass.

  Damn, it's down pouring.

Who wears headphones while driving a jeep?

Old school comic books!

These kids are douches.

An honest thief? That's hilarious.

Hot chicks and workout tapes. Bbbooooooonnnnneeeeerrrrrr.

Beheading a dead body shouldn't matter. They're already dead.

I still can't figure out why women in the 80's are so much hotter than women nowadays.

Tarman! Again!

Slimy, sludgy and ooey-gooey.

The zombie that looks like Leatherface is priceless.

A still functioning, severed zombie head is pretty disturbing.

I guess Billy was hungry.

Billy biting into someone's head as if it was an apple was pretty great. And there are a lot of  other violent scenes in this film that make it pretty watchable if you like seeing people getting eaten, torn apart and stabbed in the mouth. Wait, that was Billy too. That kid deserved it. Oh well. Kids these days. If you really are a fan of the original and have never seen or bothered with the sequel, I recommend giving it a solid shot. I don't think you'll be disappointed. Where's the brain salad? 

The doctor is out, Larry Drake

It's always a sad day when we hear of someone influential in entertainment passes on, but they more than likely are artists that have helped, healed and touched people in ways that most other people can't. Or maybe never will. I honestly never did (and still really don't know) much about the actor Larry Drake. The only thing I've really ever seen him act in is Dr. Giggles, and it has always been one of my all time favorite cheesy horror flicks. I'm pretty sure that most everyone has seen Dr. Giggles. Larry Drake's delivery and rapid dark humor propelled Dr. Giggles to be one of the best slasher films out there, and I'm sure anything else that he acted in that I have never seen is probably on that same level.

Gazing at his list of acting credits, he stuck with some cult type of material (as in the first two Darkman films) and he was also in American Pie 2, Dark Night of the Scarecrow, Johnny Bravo and LA Law among other tv shows and movies that is drawn into a very long, healthy list. He is an actor that will be missed by his fans (including me- now I just need to watch more with him in acting in it) and there sadly will never be a legitimate chance of there ever being a sequel to Dr. Giggles. Who am I kidding, there never would have been anyway.  

You will be missed, good sir.

66 years was to early. May you rest in pieces.

Alien Beasts

 

Bleeding Skull! has been a serious source of trash-horror information for me for close to six years now. My friend Steven (Champaign) introduced me to the wild world of Bleeding Skull! when Nicole and I were still dwelling in the jungles of central Illinois. At first, I wasn't quite sure what to make of the website, the way the crew wrote their reviews or what types of films they were reviewing. He had already been an avid fan for awhile at that point, and I was still pretty green. I needed to get my feet wet. No. I wanted to get my feet wet. I was just so fascinated by the fact that there was this whole underbelly of forgotten and mostly undiscovered realm of horror/low budget films that pretty much no one knows about. Those guys bring the crude stuff to the surface. Almost like Jed striking that vein of black gold-Texas T. Fame and fortune for something the happened by accident. Except, I'm pretty sure that Bleeding Skull! was no accident. It was a niche' that needed to be filled, and Joseph and crew are the right people to be gorging themselves in it. Alien Beasts is one of the many movies they've dug up over the years, and it's certainly one that I never thought I would ever see. Hell, all the movies they've reviewed are movies I never thought I would see because they're all so obscure and out of range that you need a 10/10 on your luck status sheet to be able to find these things. I found the uncut version of Alien Beasts on Youtube... and I really don't know what to say about it.  

There's backyard wrestling, now there's front yard kung fu-ing!

 

I am reminded of my friends and I in high school.

 

Is the narrator out of breath?!

 

Gas mask George punched Bill Gates!

 

I hate to admit this, but I feel sorry for Sarah. She's to cute to be involved in a movie like this.

 

Get on with it, man.

 

Talking at each other very loudly seems to be mandatory in this film.

 

Flashes of a random old guy. That looks like my grandpa. Creepy.

 

It's top quality when people are dead in the movie are still breathing.

 

This scene of "the female enemy is stealing the weapon" has literally went on for fifteen minutes straight. And all it is is her taking her top off, rummaging through the same pile of clothes over and over again, putting on a jump suit and then finding some really shitty looking paintball gun or something. 

 

I only have one quote for this movie: "Alien Beasts is one of the most nonsensical, boorish, trashy SOV flicks that I've ever had the pleasure of viewing." Basically, I felt like I was on every legal and illegal drug and substance all at once while watching this. If you even bother looking this one up on Youtube, be prepared. Every last brain cell you have left that could be used for something more positive or constructive will be destroyed. And you'll have a great time killing them. Thank you Bleeding Skull! for all the hard work. I now am officially a real fan of yours.  

 

Goblin

Watching a Todd Sheets film is fun, engrossing and all around something that everyone needs to experience once. His films are always encumbered with no nudity, barely any profanity, heavy metal and buckets and gobs of cheap ass gore. Lots of cheap ass gore. I wish that there was a way for him or a movie distribution company to print a box set of every movie that he's ever made into one big ass box set. I would snatch that shit up immediately, no questions asked. I don't own very many of his movies, but the ones that I have come across have been nothing short of "what the fuck did I just watch" type of experiences that I unfortunately will never feel ever again do to seeing them already. Goblin has been high on my list of "need to watch Todd Sheets" films because, quite frankly, it sounded insane. And amazing. And I wanted to see some guy dressed as a goblin only to be wearing shorts, sneakers, a beat up turban and shredded kitchen towels you use to dry the wet dishes with. Also, Todd Sheets' go to guy, Jerry Angell appears in this for about three minutes. Then he's sawn in half with an electric hedge trimmer. I smiled.

   Fuck those thistles. Go have a beer. Jerry Angell.

Return Fire music? For five seconds?

 Now that Jerry's guts are on the floor, we can return to our regularly scheduled program.

Opening that suitcase was uneventful and stupid.

It's a me, Mario!

Perfect food for this kind of $50 SOV film - pizza.

So, the Goblin came from where?

 Power drill to the eye!

Man, the acting is stale in this.

 There's some brutal kills in here. I dig it, Hotchka!

More Return Fire music?!

Sorry Todd. But this exterior shot of the house is taking way to long. Padding. I call padding.

That's the only thing in Goblin I wasn't a fan of was all the really long shots of the exterior of the house the movie takes place in. I feel like Todd did that on purpose just to make the film feel longer when it didn't need to be. That's why I called padding. Another great example of padding is all the slow motion used in Sledgehammer or the pointless walking from the house to mailbox and back to the house again about two or three times in Woodchipper Massacre. Padding. Other than that, Goblin was a terribly bad, good time and I recommend it to all of you zits and zombies. Make sure you wash the dishes first.  

Werewolf Fever

Ever seen a horror flick were the monster didn't look like it was supposed to? Or 99% of it took place in a shitty, middle of nowhere burger joint? Or said monster chewed off a girls leg while she's in the middle of roller skating only to have her leg roll away in hilarity? Maybe the boss of King Burger is a fat dick that just barks orders and makes fun of his staff? Well, all of that and a whole lot more happens in Werewolf Fever! I'm honestly not to sure if there's another horror film or otherwise that I could or should compare this one to, but I thought it was fun as a one time watch. Originally I just wanted to snag this as a blind buy, and now that I've watched it on FrightPix, I'm still undecided if I want a copy of not. Maybe I should. It's not to expensive. Hell, it's under ten dollars on Amazon. I don't know. Watch it and let me know if you would buy a copy of it.

Worst hot dog costume I've ever seen.

Odi is a fat, dirty sum na' bitch.

Helly-copters.

"They didn't probe my ass, but I bet they wanted to!"

A full fledged grill jockey... what the hell?

I miss judged Odi earlier. He's fucking hilarious.

Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen or heard of someone scrubbing the asphalt with a mop and a bucket.

Rabies? Lycanthrope? Teddy Ruxpin?

Rockabilly rock star.

   Everyone keeps saying "grill jockey". That isn't a real thing, is it?

Well, now I know where the box art came from.

This has to be said- the werewolf in this doesn't even look like a werewolf. It looks like a giant, mutated fruit bat that lost it's wings. Just being honest here.

  Once again zits and zombies, this movie was fun. The special effects were actually pretty well put together and there was a decent amount of gore. There was more gore than I expected there to be. The werewolf however, needed more work. He just... didn't look like a werewolf. At all. I stated this earlier, but it really did look like a giant, wingless fruit bat. That sounds like some weird delicacy at a wing bar. Buffalo Wild Wings-call me. I've got a menu idea. If you're a werewolf fanatic looking for a new edition to your movie collection, watch this first before you buy it- you might be disappointed. Or you might be into it because of just how low budget it is. That's what makes these kinds of films fun. Where's my roller skates?  

Gut

I'm still struggling to find the appropriate words to start this post off about the film Gut. It just, I don't know. I understand why the pace was the way it was, and I understand why certain scenes were kept in as apposed to being tossed on the cutting room floor. Even after considering all of that, it still just felt mal-adjusted. Off center. Not right. I didn't like it. It ended up being one of those films that tried to hard to build up tension and fear for the viewer and it really fell flat in the end. Mainly because at a certain point you could see what was going on a mile away and figured it out pretty quickly. At this point, that's all I can say about it.

 He's certainly killed someone.

A lot of jokes and pranks are created out of boredom.

Trailer diner. Classic.

His distance gets wider.

Is he gutting his wife?

"My momma gave me lunch money, so Imma headin' out."

It's never to late to dig through the archives of what you and your friends filmed together.

I think Dan is some weird, psycho killer.

This strikes me as hilarious, but that woman's blood looks like bbq sauce.

C'mon bro, your wife wants to bang, forget about Dan's shitty movie.

Friends don't let friends film, sell and distribute snuff films.

Damn, Dan sure didn't waste any time with that waitress.

 Some films are meant to be slow burners. A grinding pace sometimes helps with the overall plot and character development for about half to 3/4 of a film, with a nice, solid climax that blows your mind. But in Gut, I felt that the slower pace just really didn't help it any. I can't really put my finger on it, but it was just to easy to figure out who was killing the women and filming themselves doing so. Maybe if you've seen this movie you disagree, but I just can't recommend this to any of you, zits and zombies. Sorry. I already know where this film is ending up at the end of the year. And so do you.  

Box Set - itis: Video Violence Deluxe Videovore Edition

As a collector and a purveyor of anything and everything horror related, we all have goals, ambitions and crown jewels that we must have in our collections for them to be complete. Some people will tell you that it has to be rare or expensive or something that everyone is trying to find to have a specific piece to have that zen. I disagree. It just should be something that you hold dear to your hollow, blackened heart. And it also should make you feel alive. Some what. My shiny, lustered offering is the Camp Motion/Lunchmeat VHS collaboration with Gary Cohen. The massive, gigantic Video Violence Videovore Edition. I remember running across this by accident on-line on the Lunchmeat VHS website back when Nicole and I were still living in Champaign, and I talked about it for weeks. I had to get a copy of this one way or another. I loved both of the Video Violence films immensely (as I had watched both in The Basement box set countless times up to that point) and I felt it deep in my bronchial tubes that it was just imperative to own. Dripping with video store rental grace and a nostalgic "be kind, rewind" vibrato, ordering a copy straight from Alternative Cinema 2-3 years later (at a reduced price) made me all warm, giddy and pre-school like when it arrived in the mail. Damn I love collecting this shit.  

Price I paid: $44.99

Where did I find it?: Alternative Cinema.com

 Print: Camp Motion Pictures/Lunchmeat VHS

Run#: I'm assuming still the first. I vaguely remember something about when it was first put out that there was only going to be 250 copies or some insanely low quantity?? Or maybe that was the amount for the ones that Gary Cohen himself was going to autograph at the release party? Who knows. 

Movies Included: Video Violence, Video Violence II (both on blood red VHS) and a 90 minute re-edit of both films edited together into one film on a separate dvd. Hotchka!

Is it worth it?: I honestly don't even need to answer this one for you. If you read the opening paragraph you know what the answer to this one is.

Final: All I can say is watch both Video Violence movies first. If you fall in love with them, your broken, saddened heart will tell you if this is a gem for you to acquire or not. It's damn well worth more than $45 to me, I can tell you that right now. The only other reason I can think of for owning this besides being a VV fanatic is just being an SOV completion-ist. I know you guys are out there. 

 

The Victorville Massacre

Trolling and choosing random horror flicks on Hulu Plus to watch can be a challenge. There's so many movies on there just in that category alone that it will make your head spin. So far, most of them seem to be stuck in this mid-grade, mediocre, indie-purgatory where none of these films will be liked, appreciated or even bought copies of. Well, I'm not going to be an advocate for The Victorville Massacre either. It's piss poor... everything. There's nothing illustrious about it and I will never watch it ever again. The only thing that it half way redeems itself with are the young women that "star" in it. All of them are hot. Other than that, it's a complete waste of everyone's time. Also, it just felt like there were too many twists in it and it felt disjointed and all over the place. But of course zits and zombies, this is just my opinion. I'm not recommending it to any of you however. Just steer clear and keep on driving.

  "Fucking kids." Fucking cops.

Reverse mohawk. Nice.

  Well, these two bumbling cops are dead.

I love chicks with black hair.

 "C'mon, we've all seen your tits." What about yours, fat-ass?

Don't do it. This assclown is just trying to get between your legs.

The police chief is so overacted.

A toast to a great weekend and pussy. I can dig it.

Who plays Wii bowling, by themselves at their own house party with a shit ton of hot females?!

This is the lamest house party I've ever seen.

 "I fucking hate Victorville!" So do I!

 At the end of the night (or day, whichever) if you're on Hulu Plus looking for a random horror flick to check out, por favor do not watch The Victorville Massacre. I can only recommend it to see some really cute brunettes, red-head and blonde and some really annoying Patton Oswald wanna be get fucking stabbed because he deserves it. Because he's fat. And not funny. And he's a dick. And I'm done.

Killer Workout (aka Aerobicide) (blu-ray)

The only thing I knew about Killer Workout before I even bothered to snatch up the blu-ray when it was released was that it was another Prior brothers film. That already had my interest piqued because of how much I adore Sledgehammer. If you haven't seen the SOV masterpiece that is Sledgehammer, I suggest you get on that shit right away, son. I need to look into this a little more, but Killer Workout is wedged firmly into a sub-genre of horror flick where everything happens at a gym, health spa or fitness center. Another really well known one in this category is Death Spa. I have that one on dvd. I need to write a post about that one for you guys. I need to look deeper because I want to see if there is anymore horror trash out there that takes place in a gym. It's just interesting and bizarre. And there's always a possibility of seeing lots of attractive women either nude in the locker room, showers or in insanely tight 80's spandex engaging in some Jane Fonda or Abs of Steel type of shit. I can just sit back and watch all the different camera angles capturing them doing the wiggles. I need to work out more often.

That's funny, the title card still says "Aero-bicide".

Another Prior brothers horror flick. This is going to be great!

So you put food in your toaster oven, get excited about a message on your answering machine, don't take the food out, grab your purse and go tanning. Well, I'm expecting her house to burn down.

I've heard of fake and bake giving you skin cancer, but Jesus Christ!

The fat guy on the power cycle is the best.

L.A. Gear? I never thought I would see that ever again.

Death by safety pin. How oxymoronic.

Ted Prior is a beast!

  I'm just in it to watch the ladies pump their asses and legs in the air.

The one chick that wants you is the one you don't want. What a surprise.

 Killer Workout is another fun filled hunk of 80's cheese- if that's what your hungry for. The music is out of place and to happy in certain spots, 90% of it is watching women in tight ass spandex workout outfits jilting their legs and hips everywhere while the other 10 is people getting stabbed with a gigantic safety pin, Ted Prior's beefcake ass gets in a fist fight with some jackass in the parking lot and a random fat guy peddling a powered exercise bike. I had a lot of fun with this one and I really recommend this blu-ray as an easy addition to any zits or zombies' collection. Probably the only gripe I have is that the transfer is obviously from some sort of a beta or VHS tape. But Slasher Video did an excellent job with that picture and audio, even though the video is letter boxed. BBoooooooooooooo. Oh well. You'll get it next time.