Zits and zombies, once again my good friend and fellow trash collector Steve Carpenter has graced us with his own review of the killer clown flick, Stitches! It's quick, it's witty and it put me in Stitches for lack of a better term... that was bad. I apologize. Thank you Steve again for your support of Cinema Slayer! I appreciate it!
This movie is about some loser assclown that goes by the nickname of Stitches that dies and somehow comes back from the grave many years later to get revenge... Yes, many years later and somehow his body is still fully intact...
Let's get started. Yawn, I'm already getting sleepy.
A birthday party, a lame ass clown, and a bunch of asshole kids.
What could go wrong?
First of all who leaves the dishwasher door open? Also, who loads
knives inside of it with the blades facing up so that a clown can
fall face first onto it? Is that blood spraying out of his head,
or is it cranberry juice?
Poor little Tommy, all covered in clown blood.
Wow, a secret society (cult) of clowns that keeps eggs in jars with
clown faces painted on them, which are supposed to represent the
souls of the clowns.. Just when you thought you've seen it all.
Fast forward some years later (high school)...
Man, these kids turned out to be fucking losers. Tommy is insane,
keeps seeing clowns everywhere, but they are not really there.
Popping pills like a junkie on a three day "fuck my life" binge.
Did he just see the science teacher become a clown and tear his
friends junk off and tie it to the string of a birthday balloon?
Also, is his name Tom, because he can't stop spying on people
through that goddamn telescope in his treehouse?
This movie.. I'm shaking my damn head right now.
As for his friends, what the fuck is wrong with these people?
One thinks he's God's gift to women (put the collar down, there can only be one Fonz).
Another is an overweight homosexual, there is a mega bitch on heels, and of course there
is the asshole, skater, poser, tough guy, but really a pussy one of the bunch.. can
you see where this is going?
They decide to throw Tommy his first birthday party in years, which he wants to be
private, but his friends being the scumbags they are post it on social media
and the entire school shows up at his house while Mom is away, probably having an orgy
with that cult of clowns down at the cemetery.
A paper invitation gets swept away in the wind and lands on the grave of Stitches the
clown and poof! He is risen from the grave.. Now the fun begins, or does it just get dumber?
I've seen clowns pull rabbits out of hats, but never out of another dude's throat.. WTF?
"Sniff em' out!" demands Stitches as he throws his red clown nose to the floor. That's right
folks, the nose rolls around to sniff out Tommy's friends. Whoever made this movie must
have endured some pretty hardcore acid trips.
I never knew you could use an ice cream scoop to remove pieces of brain from a skull.
I'll have to remember that next time I want some brains with my canned strawberries.. don't ask.
That umbrella through the back of the head was a neat trick.
Intestines used for balloon animals.. LOL
All these years of using bicycle pumps, I never knew you could use one to inflate somebody's
head to the point that it explodes. Who comes up with this shit?
How can he not find these kids hiding in the graveyard? Have your nose sniff them out dumbass!
So if you are looking to waste an hour and a half of your life, be my guest and watch this movie.
Even though the blood looks like watered down cranberry juice. I will admit the death scenes, although silly as fuck, are still somewhat graphic and probably gory for some of you light weights out there. I have seen worse movies than this, but I have also seen a hell of a lot better. Whatever story line is there, is severely weak and full of plot holes, but hey it's entertainment.. right?
Let's get started. Yawn, I'm already getting sleepy.
A birthday party, a lame ass clown, and a bunch of asshole kids.
What could go wrong?
First of all who leaves the dishwasher door open? Also, who loads
knives inside of it with the blades facing up so that a clown can
fall face first onto it? Is that blood spraying out of his head,
or is it cranberry juice?
Poor little Tommy, all covered in clown blood.
Wow, a secret society (cult) of clowns that keeps eggs in jars with
clown faces painted on them, which are supposed to represent the
souls of the clowns.. Just when you thought you've seen it all.
Fast forward some years later (high school)...
Man, these kids turned out to be fucking losers. Tommy is insane,
keeps seeing clowns everywhere, but they are not really there.
Popping pills like a junkie on a three day "fuck my life" binge.
Did he just see the science teacher become a clown and tear his
friends junk off and tie it to the string of a birthday balloon?
Also, is his name Tom, because he can't stop spying on people
through that goddamn telescope in his treehouse?
This movie.. I'm shaking my damn head right now.
As for his friends, what the fuck is wrong with these people?
One thinks he's God's gift to women (put the collar down, there can only be one Fonz).
Another is an overweight homosexual, there is a mega bitch on heels, and of course there
is the asshole, skater, poser, tough guy, but really a pussy one of the bunch.. can
you see where this is going?
They decide to throw Tommy his first birthday party in years, which he wants to be
private, but his friends being the scumbags they are post it on social media
and the entire school shows up at his house while Mom is away, probably having an orgy
with that cult of clowns down at the cemetery.
A paper invitation gets swept away in the wind and lands on the grave of Stitches the
clown and poof! He is risen from the grave.. Now the fun begins, or does it just get dumber?
I've seen clowns pull rabbits out of hats, but never out of another dude's throat.. WTF?
"Sniff em' out!" demands Stitches as he throws his red clown nose to the floor. That's right
folks, the nose rolls around to sniff out Tommy's friends. Whoever made this movie must
have endured some pretty hardcore acid trips.
I never knew you could use an ice cream scoop to remove pieces of brain from a skull.
I'll have to remember that next time I want some brains with my canned strawberries.. don't ask.
That umbrella through the back of the head was a neat trick.
Intestines used for balloon animals.. LOL
All these years of using bicycle pumps, I never knew you could use one to inflate somebody's
head to the point that it explodes. Who comes up with this shit?
How can he not find these kids hiding in the graveyard? Have your nose sniff them out dumbass!
So if you are looking to waste an hour and a half of your life, be my guest and watch this movie.
Even though the blood looks like watered down cranberry juice. I will admit the death scenes, although silly as fuck, are still somewhat graphic and probably gory for some of you light weights out there. I have seen worse movies than this, but I have also seen a hell of a lot better. Whatever story line is there, is severely weak and full of plot holes, but hey it's entertainment.. right?
Sniff 'em out!
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