Terrorvision (Steve Carpenter)

 Zits and Zombies! My good friend and fellow trash collector Steve Carpenter has written a post for Cinema Slayer! It's on the 80's horror-comedy classic Terrorvision from 1986! Hotchka! I think it's great! I was planning on doing a post about this movie myself since I have it on blu-ray doubled with The Video Dead from Scream Factory. Hopefully Steve will grace us with his presence more often!

 Terrorvision(1986)

     What’s happening ghouls and gals.. I recently watched this movie on Amazon Prime and most of it was pretty lame. Where do I even begin with this movie? I guess I will start in the beginning… The intro alone was screaming “this movie is going to be terrible!” But I am after all a man, and I don’t listen very well.

     The intro scene was supposed to be a sanitation department on a planet called Pluton, (I know, how original.. Right?) but it looked like it was created accidentally by some kid that left his old Star Wars toys strewn across the basement floor just before bedtime. Then they show the monster which is pretty much a red blob with human eyeballs and octopus tentacles and fucked up looking claw. 

     It is being disposed of in some machine (powered by the most ridiculously fake control panel I have ever seen in a movie) by a man-like alien which looks as though he is the offspring of a lizard and a Deadite from Evil Dead… Of course something goes wrong with the disposal process… and that’s what happens when you mix lizards with Deadites kids.

     Phew, that was just part of the intro…

     The movie then cuts to Earth and focuses on the Putterman (Putzerman) family, and what a bunch of characters they are. First the wife. Oh man, that fucking voice!.. and yes she is doing an exercise routine in fashion high heels, (don’t ask, because I don’t have all the answers damn it!) and is screaming at her half brain dead husband that is outside tinkering with a satellite dish called the “Do It Yourself 100”, which of course is a piece of shit and he is totally clueless about it and makes the TV go out, which caused her to open her annoying trap in the first place.
    
     Then, in comes the daughter in the scene which has this fake ass Cyndi Lauper hair, and a voice just as annoying as Mom, because her TV went out too. Then suddenly the Grandpa comes over and he is obviously suffering from serious PTSD and Dementia… and yes they have a statue of a nude woman in their house, which is also a fountain that spurts water from it’s nipples… Really, in the fucking entry way of your house? Oh, I almost forgot, there is the satellite salesman, just wait until you see this fucking guy. Yep, you guessed it. His mother should have swallowed the night that he was conceived.
    
     There is the son as well, but he is actually a pretty cool kid and had way better acting skills than anyone else in the entire movie. He likes guns, half naked woman, monster flicks and isn’t annoying as fuck like everyone else in the family. Later on in the movie you will meet the daughter’s boyfriend, which calls himself O.D. He is just some Kirk Hammett wannabe that talks like a stoned out surfer.. like right on dude, that’s totally rad! Oh, and you will also find out that the parents are swingers and have swinger parties while the kids are at home… WTF?

     So anyway, the movie is mainly about this monster that got beamed to earth accidentally by that lizard/deadite alien, and ends up on the television channel. Then somehow magically zaps out of the TV and into the house, which the parents call “the pleasure zone” later on to some of their swinger friends. This monster starts eating people and spitting them back up, or sometimes just turning them into a puddle of goo, which looks as though it was created by an exploded bottle of KY Jelly, probably the flavored kind… Yum! The survivors pretty much spend the rest of the movie fighting the monster.

    So, if you are into really bad.. and I mean really bad B horror flicks, then this could be your go to flick. It is not scary at all, the monster is ugly, but comical at the same time and the acting and dialogue are really piss poor as are the special effects. Gunfire in this movie doesn’t sound or look real. Sorry, but a muzzle flash does not look like a bright blue laser and a gunshot does not sound like a generic outer space toy. I will admit that it does have some entertainment value, but I don’t think I would buy a physical copy of this movie for my horror collection. To me it’s one of those “Yeah, I’ve seen that movie.” kind of flicks.