Welcome back! 2017 on Cinema Slayer is here!

I can't believe that we've all made it, zits and zombies.

2017 is finally here.

And I know everyone is pretty damn excited about it.

There were just to many artists and famous monsters that passed on during the course of last year, and because time is time and death is death, there isn't anything any of us can do about it.

It's life.

Time marches on. And so do we.

My bloody, nubby fingers have been itching to get back to writing for you degenerates, and I have plenty of notes to get started on in this January of 2017. You're all invited to this massacre of words, gore and sexual deviance.

It's going to be great.

Trust me.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

C'mon... let's go. 

Show your love of horror! Show your support for Dread Central!

I didn't think I would have to break from my vacation away from writing on here for you zits and zombies.

But this is important.

Dread Central needs our help as they have helped all of us in our love and personal journey's through the world of horror and cult films. 

It's time to give back.

And of all the times that they need it the most, it just has to be around Christmas time. Well, 'tis the season to give and expect nothing in return.

That's what being a writer or an artist is all about sometimes.

Becoming selfless.

The picture that I have at the beginning of this post will be put in the sidebar as a link to the Patreon site at Dread Central.com, and you can also read all about why and how they came to the point of being at a financial loss.

Please. Save Dread Central.

Captain Spaulding demands it. 

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving! Christmas! New Years! All that shit!

Hey.

This is going to be my final post for 2016 zits and zombies.

And I just wanted to give my thanks for supporting me this year while my writing has become more organized and streamlined.

Thank you.

I have some pretty cool ideas for different things I want to write about this coming year, and I hope you'll join me on my journey. I live for horror, and horror lives for me. I breathe it in everyday, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Have a fantastic Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.

Rocketing into 2017.

Can't believe it.

Wouldn't miss it for anything.

See you in January you slime covered bastards.

 

Top five worst of the year + runners up (2016)

I can't believe that my second year writing on Cinema Slayer is coming to a close. Once again, I have discovered some really great horror flicks to wet my palette over this past year, but I have also dug up some turds that curl my nose hair worse than the shitty organic peroxide at my new (horrible) place of employment. I need to get out of there.

As soon as possible.

You know what time it is, zits and zombies. It's time to point at, laugh, make fun of and downright publicly annihilate the worst of the worst that I ran across this year in a last ditch effort to make you horror freaks stay away from these dino-shits as much as possible.

Here we go.

#5. Dr. Hackenstein

I'm going to be honest here-I think that Dr. Hackenstein is one of the most boring offerings that Troma has ever bothered to put into print. And that's putting it lightly. This is basically their version of Frakenstein, but nothing ever really happens. It just kind of plods along, the doctor is experimenting with bringing the dead back to life, plods along, some old lady gets annoying really quickly, plods along, and then it's over. Ugh.

#4. The Victorville Massacre

What can I say about The Victorville Massacre? Not a whole lot. It's one of the most mediocre indie horror flicks I've seen in quite some time, all of the characters are deplorable and you just have that craving for them to bite the bullet. You want them to get killed. And they do. Especially since the main guy in this film has a house party, a ton of hot chicks show up, but instead of getting some lovins', he decides to play Wii bowling in his living room by himself. What a pear shaped loser. Actually, he's kind of on the thin side, but you get where I'm going.

#3. Gut

This is one of those murder-mystery type fright flicks where the film wants you "to work to figure out who the killer is"-but the way the entire thing is pieced together just makes it to damn easy and obvious. There's no mystery here. I figured it out within the first ten minutes or so and once that happened it was just fucking boring. The kills were un-eventful, the plot was a real slow burn and I'm still on the fence about Gut as a whole. Just pass it up. Your better off churning butter by hand than sitting through this. 

#2. Psycho Beach Party

This is where my hope for this year started to wane. This is the film that made me want to stick my head in one of my yard waste bins and set the leaves on fire with my face stuck in the middle of them. I really don't know where to begin with this jar of fermented piss, but everything about Psycho Beach Party made me want to run head first into the opposite lane on the highway. Everything about this movie is at the bottom-plot, acting, dialogue, camera work...it's just to much for one horror reviewer to handle. The icing on the cake, of course, has to be the fact that the detective is a guy dressed in drag. Why, oh why. 

#1. Die Cheerleader Die

All I'm really going to say is that Die Cheerleader Die forced me to stop after 35 minutes. If that isn't any indication of the quality of what is contained herein, I really don't think I want or care to find out. This piece of goat shit is a travesty. There is no reason for it to exist, and I really feel sorry for everyone that was involved in making such a train wreck of a film. The acting is so stiff that I thought I had morning-wood while I was watching it, and the scene where one of the girls is giving her boyfriend head and he gets strangled while that is happening is where I had to draw the line. How the hell do you not notice something like that? And why did I even attempt to watch this? I just hold my head in failure.  

Runners Up

Para Elisa

I didn't like Para Elisa mainly because I thought there were some scenes that felt just downright lazy and the director decided to copy off of one of the best scenes out of one of my favorite Stephen King movies, Misery. There's a scene where the main girl gets her legs broken by a sledgehammer so she can't escape. Sound familiar? Thought so.

The Nightmare

  

Let's get this out of the way. I really love documentaries, but The Nightmare is just stupid. I know that these people believe what happened to them actually happened, but c'mon... are you really going to remember that far back when you were in a crib and some aliens made out of static walked up to you out of nowhere and abducted you? Get real.  

American Psycho 2

I'll admit it, the only reason I even bothered with this is because Mila Kunis is in it. Yeah. That's it. I didn't expect William Shatner to show up in this God-forsaken heap either. But here both of them are, totally ruining a sequel that was going to bomb either way whether they were in it or not. I can't, I just can't... if I'm going to watch something with Mila starring in it, I'll just stick with That 70's Show. Not gutter-lining like this. Puke. That's a funny word-you don't have to think about that. 

Bloody Birthday

(Requested by: Dustin Shipanik)

There are a lot of horror flicks that have the word "massacre" in the title. And, I'm starting to find out that there are also a lot with the word "bloody" as well. I had my usual pre-emptive ideas about what was going to happen in Bloody Birthday-a party, lots of hot 80's girls, nudity, teen sex, alcohol, blood and people getting killed because someone has to assume that job in these kinds of movies. Well, some of that shows up in this flick, but in all truth here, I really was kind of disturbed by the fact that Debbie, Steven and Curtis have no conscience what-so-ever. It's also difficult to be able to get kids like this thrown in prison (or better yet, death row) because they are minors and kids love to lie, cheat and steal. And they are all innocent, sweet and kind, right? Wrong. This shows right here that no matter what age anyone is, they can be just as much of a murderer as anyone who is an adult. And if they are just naturally born with some kind of blood-lust, it's over. I actually enjoyed Bloody Birthday because it has every inclination to be a serious scare film-and for me, it worked. Just the premise alone is disturbing. Three kids that love to kill. Talk about being born under a bad sign.

Hellooooo, nurse!

Would a solar eclipse really effect the birth of a baby?

I've played this ambulance game before, I just never knew that's what it was called.

Kiss-ass.

If it's a school night, why would the sheriff ask an entire class of grade school kids if they were in the cemetery late at night?

"What if she catches us?" "No way, all of her brains are in her bra."

This is the first nerdy-ass kid I've ever seen in a movie that has some balls. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

Everyone is a peeping tom. Let's be honest with ourselves.

Torn from the pages of Friday the 13th.

A bed sheet ghost, driving a car, trying to run over Joyce in the junkyard. I don't know whether to laugh or clap. Eh, I'll do both.

Astronomy. Great Blue Oyster Cult song. Not so great for children being born. 

 This is going to sound sick on my part, but the scene where Joyce finds Curtis in the kitchen covering all of the cakes with to much frosting and a bottle of ant poison in his hand, kind of made me wonder if they were going to go in the route of Jim Jones. I mean, the whole town was there celebrating the birthday of Debbie, Curtis and Steven, and they were all downing that cake like they never ate any before. And if Curtis really did put ant poison in the frosting-Jonestown Massacre all over again. That's actually what I was hoping for. But, nope. The one time he could've committed a huge kill all at once was wasted. I'm disappointed in you Curtis. I thought you were better than that. Bloody Birthday has some creepy and perverted moments that make me glad it made it's way onto blu-ray. Cake for everyone! Just don't invite Curtis. 

   

Bloody Murder

There are so many homages and rip-offs of actual horror movies out there, it will make your head spin clean off. And of course, there's always a low-brow version of Friday the 13th somewhere hiding in the shadows-and I know you guys have at least heard of one of them. I'm pretty sure that Bloody Murder isn't one of them. It can't be. I didn't even know this shit existed until I picked up the four pack with this, it's sequel, Junior and Deadly Species. Yes, there is a horror film called Junior. And no, it's not the one where Arnold gets pregnant-although you could say that is a horror movie for completely different reasons. Bloody Murder is basically if Lifetime or The Hallmark Channel decided to start producing their own horror flicks and didn't really know how to go about it other than ripping off what was already out there. Some swearing, some blood, a really crappy, cheap killer for the villain (that you never actually get to see) and an off screen kill with a chainsaw. Once. Oh boy. I'm very excited.

    Leaving your pregnant wife in the middle of the forest, by herself, so you can walk back 30 miles to get some gas. That's smart.

 Is this the Lifetime version of Jason?

 She's reading. That's hot.

Grow a pair. Both of you. And get to work.

What the hell is this, Dawson's Creek?

 Michael Richard's retarded grandpa. That's great.

"Bloody Murder" sounds just as gay as the game of tag itself.

Aww. What a soft piece of shit.

Look's like "90's cool guy" pee-peed all over himself.

So, when does Dean get whacked? He deserves it right about now.

A fat sheriff. Yusssssssss.

The internet has come a long way.

Trevor Moorehouse made a poopie.

Yeah... time for some camp killing.

Bloody Murder is much more entertaining than you would expect it to be because of it's Hallmark Channel/ABC Family/Lifetime vibe that wafts so effortlessly off into the air like opening a sealed package of Limburger cheese for the first time. At first it smells and tastes like fucking garbage, but at about the midway point, it somehow attaches itself to you and won't let go until you've seen the end. Movies like this don't happen out in the wild very often, and when they do, you only watch them every couple of years so they don't spoil on you. Keep them in the freezer for a while. Aluminum foil is the key here.      

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

During my long and kind of pointless tenure at my previous employer (before I was so stupidly fired) I found out about this cult Canadian film through a co-worker. He told me that when he was growing up, his parents used to own a movie rental store and Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter was one of the random ones he went home with one night to just watch for the hell of it on VHS. I'm sure that was something. He also told me that he watched all of the Faces of Death volumes and other grotesqueness that lined the shelves at his parents rental shop. But Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter sounded interesting. And hilarious. And me being me, I had to hunt down a copy for my moldy-ass collection. If I recall correctly, that very weekend when I drove over to Disc Replay, they had three or four copies of it in the horror section. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! I slapped my green down, brought it home, and later that night (or early morning rather) I took the disc out of the case, stood there with my thumb and index fingers holding it up with the ceiling light glaring off of it exclaiming "you better be right, Powerhouse" as I shoved it into my dvd player. Boy, was he ever. To bad I'll never see him again.  

Sloppiest Rabbi ever to practice.

A priest with a huge mohawk. This is going to be fun.

This music is like something out of Shadowgate mixed with The Terminator.

     Lesbian vampires. Cool. And sexy.

Ride a moped.

See, now, if Jesus was an actual person I could talk to or hang out with, I'd be more inclined to be religious. 

Ha! Jesus got kicked in the nuts!

Now that the Son of God got a haircut and a shave, he looks like Randy Blythe from Lamb of God. Coincidence?

If this huge group of idiots are Atheists, instead of physically fighting Jesus, wouldn't they be questioning if this guy really is Jesus?

Mary Magnum has a fat ass.

This guy is perfect as a mad doctor.

 Looks like Jesus got his ass beat.

If God started talking to me through a bowl of ice cream, I would jump head first into the Grand Canyon.

There are so many things wrong with Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter that just turn out to be right. I can't explain it, but I think that even if you're extremely religious and you give this flick a shot, you'd still get a kick out of it. The idea of Jesus going out into the world and physically fighting vampires (Lesbian ones. We need to remember that.) alone is enough to make anyone want to watch this one out of pure curiosity-and what you get is a musically-inclined lesbo-vampire flick where Jesus looks like the frontman for a popular metal band and a really fat lucha libre' named Santos gets hitched with a butch looking bi-chick that none of us would ever touch. Zits and zombies, this film is ridiculous and and it will make you laugh out loud because of how absurd it truly is. If you find a church where the priest has a long, red mohawk, listens to punk and preaches the good word about Jesus-let me know. I'll get my ass out of bed for that sermon.     

Chopping Mall (Vestron blu-ray)

The play on words for this flick is so dumb, and yet it's so perfect. The alternate title for Chopping Mall is Killbots, and they both fit for different reasons. I personally like Chopping Mall better just because it makes the film sound a lot more gory and violent than it really is. Marketing. This is the very first blu-ray from Vestron Video's random return from the obscurity abyss of horror distribution, all thanks to the gracious humans that work at Lionsgate. They are doing God's work. Bringing classics back for all of us to stick onto our shelves and enjoy weirdo 80's horror in hi-def, crammed with as many extra's and special features as they can find... Vestron/Lionsgate is killing it so far, and I hope they keep going. When you're a teen still stuck in high school and your desperate to party with no adult supervision, what do you do? Throw a party in a mall after hours with killer security bots of course. Teens have sex-smoke, drink, get killed and watch b-movies all for the sake of having fun. These kids are dedicated.

I wish I were a jewel thief.

God, I love 80's chicks.

Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov. Legendary.

 "They remind me of your mother. It's the laser eyes."

There's always time for a saucy redhead.

Don't be a square. Especially at an after hours mall party.

Paranoid much? 

I still don't get why people throw parties in a closed mall.

Dick Miller, at your service.

You better get your girl some cigarettes. Now.

   Crowbar-great band. Great key.

Lock and load, motherfuckers!

Damn, you guys suck at shooting.

"Let's go trash the fucker."

A mirror would have helped a long time ago.

The only thing I can say about Chopping Mall is that's it's just outright fun. It's even more fun watching it on blu-ray so you can see just how cheaply built the security bots were. Although, back in the 80's they might have been pricey to build. I didn't bother to research any of that, and I know I should have. Watching teens shooting (and missing terribly) at security bots and getting shredded by lasers in the middle of a mall is pretty great and I highly recommend adding this film to your collection if you already haven't done so. Now get that sexy blonde some cigs-you've already seen her breasts. 

 

Jackhammer Massacre

When I put my post together for Monster Man, I knew I would get around to watching Jackhammer Massacre again so I could take some notes. At first sight, you wouldn't really expect this to be so dark and full of self loathing. But it is. This film has a lot of fucking drug abuse contained within, and I would not recommend this to anyone that knows someone that has a problem like Jack does. This guy is over the top. Although, with all of the documentaries I have watched over the years about drugs and crack dens and really bad shit like that, I guess how Jack acts in Jackhammer Massacre really isn't to far from reality. That's one of the main points I wanted to bring up about this film-it's not really "horror" per-se'. It's just about some dude who is a successful business man that ends up getting caught up in some really bad shit doing crack, meth, weed and a bunch of other bad things that would cause one to go off in a downward spiral. And Jacks' in the middle. And he kills everyone with a jackhammer. Awesome.  

I never thought I would see a drug hustlin' version of Lorenzo Lamas.

 "If you go to jail, my buddies there will fuck you. Then they'll cut you."

Jackhammer to the face!

That viper is sick.

Who the hell lifts weights outside?

Let's get lit, motherfucker.

Don't take that quarter, Jack.

Riches to rags-the story of a hopeless addict.

Does Jack look ok to you?

The technicolor yawn-presented to you by Quaker Oatmeal!

 Mother of God, his arm is infected.

I can't even lie... getting killed by a jackhammer would be pretty fucking brutal.

Even lesbians bitch at each other.

Jackhammer sodomy. Bobbie doesn't need a colonoscopy now if she ever needed one.  

It amazes me how quickly Jack falls apart to the point of being so badly addicted that he just starts living in some really beat up, rusted out tool warehouse. All he wants is a hit. That's it. But, people keep getting in the way and he keeps slaughtering them with that jackhammer. And the ghost of his friend Mike keeps egging him on, telling him that they have to die. Yeah, they do have to die. Every single one of them. Even his sister Tori tries to help him, but he has to kill her too. All I can say is is that Jackhammer Massacre should be used as a tool to help kids and teens stay off drugs. Maybe this movie should be played in grade schools during the D.A.R.E. program. Don't mix rocks and power tools-because people will die. 

Extreme Jukebox

I've stated this before in past posts pertaining to Troma- they always have been and always will be hit or miss for me. Most of their offerings (to me at least) are just throw away fare that I can live without. I was really intrigued by this one when I ran across it on Amazon Prime Video because not only do I love metal, I love metal horror movies as well. Two words: Epic Fail. On many levels. The guy on the cover with the guitar in the film looks like Bozo the Clown's evil brother. And yes, I did write that down in my notes. What else is disappointing is that this ended up being another entry for me that I only watched 45 minutes of, turned sick of it, and shut it off. What a wasted opportunity. There was a plus-there are multiple random scenes where these two guys are in a record store looking at metal vinyls and there are tons (and I mean tons) of references to some really great metal bands and albums. Other than that-flop. No life. Flatter than an anorexic chick at a pancake house.

 Yeah Jason, pick up the fucking phone.

I knew Bozo had an evil brother.

Getting stabbed in the mouth by a microphone is a pretty loud way to die.

This dude is fighting the world with a Manowar shirt on. Heh.

Record stores are never this bright inside. Never.

Sunglasses. What a beast.

I can't say that the name Jessie Cake screams heavy metal.

That's probably the fruitiest viking I've ever seen.

Murdered with a gold record. Wow. Johnny Cab finally made it.

Blandest fairy tale ever told.

Pop-Korn? Really??

That was brutal.

David Crystal is like Howard Stern, Slash and Willy Wonka all stepped into the Brundle Telepod and melded together into some weird murderer, black magic guy that I want to punch in the face.

Engine coolant. More electrolytes than Gatorade.

 Again, I was able to write all of this shit down in less than 40 minutes before I turned this disappointment off. I don't know what I was expecting, but Extreme Jukebox wasn't it. I still don't really even know where the jukebox part of the title even fits in. Maybe because, randomly, someone's finger with a black painted nail crawls up the screen and pushes a jukebox button that "changes to the next scene" or some dumb shit like that. I don't know, zits and zombies. All I know is is that if I'm looking to have a good time with a metal horror flick, Troma is in the back of the line. Now gimme yer' lunch money.  

Happy Halloween!/October Endcap (2016)

Man, finding the energy and the time to watch one movie a day for 31 days and then writing about it is just fucking exhausting. But I'm dedicated. Dedicated to keeping up with my writing so maybe you guys will be intrigued by a movie I have watched. And then, maybe you'll get caught up in this craziness as well. I'll drag you all down to hell with me-and you'll never figure your way out. Good. That's my plan. To make all of you adventurous horror fanatics. I just hope your adventures haven't ended here. Because horror just doesn't stop at Halloween.

It's for life. 

And I'm sure you have some candy left over from trick or treating. Go in the kitchen and eat some. Your dentist is waiting.

31 Horrors of October: The Fly

What a behemoth of a film to end October with. Especially on Halloween night. This, zits and zombies, is how a re-make is done. You take the idea from the original, you twist it into something a little bit different, and amp everything up to eleven. Seth Brundle has been conducting experiments on teleportation. He's so close, he can almost taste it. Seth makes a believer out of Veronica after a science collaboration party when she comes with him to his lab to get her story for The Particle. Trash mag. He teleports her stocking with no glitches, but he needs more. He wants to be able to teleport living organisms-human beings. Animals. They have sex, eat breakfast, and conduct an experiment on a baboon. It gets turned inside out. But Brundle's got it. He knows what to do. After his success, he tries to teleport himself-and a fly gets in the way. If you don't know what happens after that, you really, really need to watch The Fly. It's a roller coaster that you won't be able to get off of until it's over. And it's such a messed up and sad ending that you'll probably want to watch the sequel right afterwards. It's pretty gross that flies puke on their food before they eat it. That will stick with you for awhile.  

31 Horrors of October: Rocktober Blood

As far as heavy metal horror goes, I'm always excited to watch one that I haven't seen yet. Unfortunately, my smile ran dry on this one. I know, I know. I'm going to get stabbed for this. Rocktober Blood has it's core fans, and that's fine. Every horror and cult film does, no matter how mud covered and briny the film is. But, there was just something missing from the over all package of Rocktober Blood. I really don't know what it is either. I want to love it, but I just can't. I felt like the kills were lazy, the story was kind of meh and there were just to many lens flares. My God. I don't really know if that was on purpose or not, but it was a little to much for my taste. I want the cinematography to be clean-not like I'm looking into the sun every other scene. The music in here is excellent, however, and if I ever run across the soundtrack, I'll probably buy it. If you're interested at all in metal horror, start with Trick or Treat or Black Roses. So Billy doesn't come back. 

31 Horrors of October: Children of the Corn IV (blu-ray)

Watching Children of the Corn IV was a little different this time. My fellow garbage collector Steve Carpenter watched it with me (we a few hours prior went to Buffalo Wild Wings, with my wife for food and the Cubs game) after we came back to the house. I think it was actually more enjoyable with a second person because this one is just kind of there. It's part of the series, but it just mills around waiting for a curious fan to watch it as it sobs in the corner. Because I think it's mostly ignored. As expected, once you delve past the third entry, no one cares. And I think that's what happened here. No one cared. The one scene we both laughed at and questioned was when one of the doctors at the hospital gets cut in half with a blade sticking out of the front of a hospital bed. One of the possessed kids attaches a blade to the front of a hospital bed, rides it down the hallway, and chops the dude in half. Brilliant. What's not brilliant is just how this movie trudges. The pace gets slow at times and you kind of just want it to end. But even great franchises like Children of the Corn can't be fully cooked all the way. Should've kept it in longer. That's what she said. 

31 Horrors of October: Scream 2 (blu-ray)

For what it's worth, I have always thought that Scream 2 was the best out of the four. I really don't know why. They're all great, but for some reason I can go back and watch the second movie in this franchise over and over again and it just never gets old. I also dig the homages that Wes Craven slid in here for a couple of the character's names as well- "Cotton" and "Loomis"... Hellraiser and Halloween anyone? Well, if you don't catch these right away, you need to brush up on your shit. Time is running out and October is almost over for this year. Don't disappoint me. Honestly, my favorite bit in Scream 2 is the opening scene where the Rialto is packed with people to see the horror flick affectionately titled "Stab" which is based on a book that was written about the events that happened in the first Scream film. Clever. Watching a bunch of dumb teens in the Ghostface costume running around like idiots pretending to stab each other is just fun and silly. And you know it could only get better from there. Jada Pinkett gets what she deserves. Just saying.   

31 Horrors of October: Pet Sematary (blu-ray)

Once you're dead, that's it. Sometimes dead is better. Or more like, once something is dead, leave it alone. I really don't think that any pet or relative would really love the idea of coming back from the dead once their gone, especially being dug up and re-buried again in a different spot to be resurrected. That's just to much damn work in my opinion. Stephen King is always a master at story telling, and Pet Sematary is no different. He even plays the priest at the funeral in the movie after Gage passes on. I just need to read the book now to compare because that's what I do. I'm sure it's just as good, if not better because, well, in a book, you can stamp as much detail as you want with no limit. Watch out for those shiny eyes in the dark-Church is watching.    

31 Horrors of October: Cannibal Campout

In my early years of starting this horror quest, I remember one of the first things I looked up on Youtube to try to start compounding a list of movies to buy was "gory horror movie trailers". Or something like that. The first trailer I watched was for a movie called Cannibal Campout, and it looked wicked. Like it was made for me. Calling my name. Straight up killing, gore, and gut-munching. There are however, no zombies. Just three really dumb brothers that live in a forest looking to kill campers that are passing through so they can have dinner. It does plod a lot in certain spots, and really the only "joy" I was able to cull from Cannibal Campout was when the main people were getting hacked up for barbecue. Sorry Mortician. I stole that from you. Gore and dismemberment aside, there are much better and entertaining SOV's out there compared to Cannibal Campout, but I could just say that this is a good first step to ween yourself into the genre if you so desire. It's a small world after all. If you don't get it, just watch the movie. 

31 Horrors of October: Motel Hell (blu-ray)

It says it right on the cover-"It takes all kinds of critters to make farmer Vincent's fritters." The one tag line that anyone that has ever seen this film ever remembers. And for good reason. For Farmer Vincent's fritters, it really does take all kinds of critters. Such as that weird ass garden comprised of people that he has crossed paths with and has decided to add to such proceedings to be curated and turned into meat for his jerky. And whatever else he sells as "fritters". This film really is an all out imitator of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but really, it's more of it's own thing. I've always been kind of thrown off by the scene where Vincent uses that hypnoist-ray-thing to keep the people in the garden subdued so they don't try to escape. He's got it all figured out-he even takes out their voice boxes so they can't talk or cry out for help. Ingenious. A true cult classic in pretty much every aspect of the word, Motel Hell is a cult horror classic that must be viewed at least once by even the most curious. The final scene with Vincent wearing a pig head and wielding a giant chainsaw is what this shit is all about. Sweet Onion Teriyaki, please.  

31 Horrors of October: Return of the Killer Tomatoes

Sweet, juicy, and chock full of vitamins c, a, and cheesy jokes-how could you go wrong with the sequel to one of the greatest B-Movies of all time? You can't. Return of the Killer Tomatoes stars a very young George Clooney as a guy who makes pies at a pizzeria, and John Astin (who played Gomez in the original Addams Family) as Dr. Gangreen. Now that's a hilarious last name. It's just as lame, just as dumb, and just as funny as the original Killer Tomatoes, except Dr. Gangreen has figured out how to make the tomatoes shape-shift into whoever they want. All with some toxic waste. And some awful music played on a walk-man that looks like someone took a Viewfinder and turned it inside out. The best scene in my studious opinion is when the two main guys are in the pizzeria and cowboys, ninjas, a black dude that is dressed like Gaddafi and Uncle Wilbur all show up at once and start beating the shit out of each other. It's a scene man. I feel juiced.

31 Horrors of October: Earth Girls Are Easy

I still can't figure out what Earth Girls Are Easy has to do with horror. It has nothing to do with horror. I would categorize it more as a cult film than a horror flick because it has somewhat of a Rocky Horror Picture Show flair about it. It's silly, it features Jim Carrey, Jeff Goldblum and Damon Wayans  as the aliens, and there is a lot of relationship and sex talk. A lot of Charles Rocket cheating on Geena Davis as well. It's sort of an amalgamation of a musical, romantic comedy, and extremely light sci-fi melted together into a Busch league tasting patty melt. You enjoy it while you're eating it, but after you've taken the last bite, it just leaves a stale, cheesy, oniony after taste in the back of your mouth that leaves you reaching for a piece of Trident. You'll probably never go back to that diner again because there are better places you live by that are only a few minutes away rather than "trying that new place down the street. They have burgers and beer". This is the one and only time that I'll probably ever watch Earth Girls Are Easy. Unless I'm in the mood for that greasy, fake meat. 

31 Horrors of October: Slaughter High

Here at Slaughter High, you can get an education in stabbing, slicing, dicing, or melting a woman in a bathtub! Scholarships and Grants accepted! Best four years of your life until Marty takes revenge on you for pulling that nasty prank on him on April Fools Day! Get his hopes (and dick) up of getting laid by a smoking hot brunette, only to take pictures of him while he's completely naked and embarrass the shit out of him in front of everyone? Why would he hold a grudge about that? If only you could graduate valedictorian for ruining a fellow students life and reputation. Well, looks like your going to be held back another year. Give the teacher an apple this time you self centered prick.

31 Horrors of October: Terror At Tenkiller

There are less than ten kills and pretty much no terror in Terror At Tenkiller. I'm going to sit here and wager that about 95% of this movie is just the main characters talking, swimming, changing in and out of their bathing suits, fishing, boating, eating at the diner and lots of other pad-worthy activities that add up to two separate but very mediocre categories: grinding and boredom. The film focus' way to much on Leslie and her annoying ass boyfriend constantly calling her all the time to say really weird, stalker type shit over the phone, and in between all of that you get a dinner plate full of under cooked noodles, chicken and broccoli. With no white sauce. Jesus. The last ten minutes of Terror At Tenkiller consists of three of the most sluggish, un-imaginative, un-inspired kills that ever existed in a horror flick. My two dogs could direct a better ending to this flick than what was put down on the celluloid of this fecal displacement. Now I remember why I've only watched this movie once-I drink to forget.    

31 Horrors of October: Frankenstein (VHS)

The original Frankenstein is my favorite Universal horror monster, mostly because I identify with Frank's qualm. Right to the heart. He's an outcast. A misfit. Everyone is afraid of him because "he's different". No one understands him... and that's why he's so loved and revered by the horror community. As a horror fan and collector, people that I've told about my hobby act like that towards me which is pretty similar and childish at the same time. So what? What or who am I harming by being a fan of Slime City instead of The Hunger Games (that shit is boring by the way. Don't ask me about it.) Slime City makes me smile. The Hunger Games makes me want to fall asleep. We all have different tastes and opinions, and that's mine. So you can shove it, main-stream media. Hollywood is trash these days, and I won't stand for it. C'mon, Frank. Let's go hang out with Boris and go get some Snickers. I'm sure he needs to get out the house for a while. 

31 Horrors of October: The Wizard of Gore (blu-ray)

With the very sad, recent and disheartening passing of The Godfather of Gore, Herschell Gordon Lewis had made a career out of making some of the most bizarre and bloody cult flicks the world has ever had the pleasure of digesting. I had to put one of my favorites from him on my list this month, and The Wizard of Gore is considered by many of his die-hards to be his all time masterpiece. I don't know if I completely agree with that, but it is one of my favorites by him, and watching it on blu-ray makes it all the more joyous. Plenty of guts and gore are in store for you, all presented by none other than Montag the Magnificent! as he does a new show every night for a week, killing beautiful women in the process. What a magic trick. Pull a bunny from a hat? Guess your poker card? No, no, no. How about sawing a woman in half with an electric chainsaw or putting a metal punch press through another one's stomach right before the audience. No filters, no tricks. He'll make you disappear. For real.   

31 Horrors of October: The Abomination

"Hi, I'm Brother Fogg!!" If that doesn't get you in the spirit to watch The Abomination, nothing will. Although, just reading it here without actually hearing that southern twang that Brother Fogg has in the movie kind of takes some of the punch out initially, but you could redeem yourself with all of the stupid dialogue and gore if you really wanted to. Placing The Abomination next to other SOV flicks kind of shows you where it stands among the rest, and it's not a bad place to be. Except, I don't really like how within the first couple of minutes you see every kill and gore scene right away, so it kind of spoils itself without you putting any effort into it. Makes me sad a little inside. It does bring it all back though with a pretty great scene of The Abomination devouring Brother Fogg while he sits down on the toilet. That is worth the price of finding this obscurity somewhere online to watch. A physical copy is pretty tough to come by, and finding it online is almost just as difficult. The lesson I learned from this film: Televangelists are greedy. Remember that kids. 

31 Horrors of October: Wishmaster 2

Wishmaster 2 is more of the same from the first one without really being the same at the same time. Whew. I hope that didn't deter you. The sequel starts not to far in the future after the original ends, only to have you see some dumb criminals break into the museum where the statue that contains the crystal with the Djinn in it is located. I keep creating these mouth-fulls. One of the burglars gets killed, the Djinn comes to life from the gem, he grants the pilferer his wish of never being born, and then he goes to jail because he's the first person the cops see when they show up. More gore, stupidity and hilarity ensues just like the first offering, and whenever I watch a Wishmaster film, I get the same lame sense of entertainment as any one of the numerous Leprechaun movies. Both franchises kind have the same comedic tone imbued in them. Don't know why. Oh well. Be careful what you wish for. Again.

31 Horrors of October: Wishmaster

If it were possible to setup a boxing match between The Outing and Wishmaster, I'd set my money down for a 1-2 knockout from Wishmaster. Compared to the former, Wishmaster is darker, gorier and just more brutal overall. Right from the beginning, there's a guy that has his skeleton come to life without his permission and rip right through his skin. Literally. The special effects for this scene are pretty detailed and graphic, especially to start a film with. But, you have to set the tone right from the get-go. Don't let go. The list of horror actors featured here is nothing to balk at either- Robert Englund, Kane Hodder, Andrew Divoff. Great line-up that formulates itself into a hearty mold to create a delicious, if overly cheesy, fright flick that's sure to get you to think about your own three wishes. Be careful. You just might get it. 

31 Horrors of October: Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth

I guess you can say that this might start off as the horror version of "Han Solo getting stuck in a block of carbonite" because that's how Hellbound: Hellraiser II ends and Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth begins. Some artsy-fartsy bastard sells one frozen Pinhead as an art piece to some self-ish, asshole club owner that thinks it looks cool. He gets all the hot chicks, the money, the alcohol, the cars- everything he can get his hands on, it's his. Even trading pain for pleasure. Or vice versa. Not today bro. Not to-day. Once you mess with that Lamentation Configuration, it's over. What's your pleasure, sir? A piece of key lime pie and a Zima, please. Hold the fish hooks for my nipples. I'll get to that later. 

31 Horrors of October: Deep Red

The Maestro Dario Argento has done some amazing horror and giallo films over the last few decades, but nothing will ever beat the rhythm and tempo of his master-work Deep Red. Giallos' are a sub-genre of Italian cinema that I really have never bothered to give a solid go, but Deep Red just gets everything so right that you'll want to plunk your ass down and watch it at least a couple of times a year to derive that warm fuzzy feeling from it as if it were your first time. Like a virgin. Jesus Christ. Being a pianist is tough. Especially when you're trying to get ready for your next gig and you witness someone getting hacked with a hatchet and no time to save them. Then, down the rabbit hole you go trying to figure out who the sicko is. Have fun.  

31 Horrors of October: Brain Damage

Frank Henenlotter has given the horror and cult communities some great material over the years. This includes all three Basket Case films, Frankenhooker, and above all, my personal favorite of his- Brain Damage. I really do dig this movie as it touches on some serious shit even though it makes fun of everything in a very over-the-top sort of way. Mainly drug abuse. It's hidden there under the surface. You just have to look hard enough. I don't know what Brian is going to do with all of those brains? I know! Feed them to Aylmer! That's the ticket! Ready for an acid trip? You better be, because you're not coming back anytime soon- Hotchka! 

31 Horrors of October: Christmas Evil (Vinegar Syndrome blu-ray)

Every time I sit my fat ass down to watch Christmas Evil, I get this warm, cinnamon like feeling down in my gut. Maybe it's because there are plenty of family moments in this film that counter-balance what's going on with Harry mentally, as he is going off the deep end to become one of the most fucked up Santa Clauses' in human history. I mean, one minute he's giving presents to kids at a Christmas party, and the next he's stabbing some guy in the eye with a toy solider and burying his candy striped hatchet in a woman's head. There's no telling what Harry is capable of, especially when he covers his face in mud and proceeds to kiss the side of Moss Garcia's house. It's kind of perplexing. It's also perplexing that Patricia Richardson is in the movie as Moss' mom, and she slaps him in the face for being a brat and "ruining her one night out". I know this doesn't sound like a movie that anyone would want to watch for Christmas season, but trust me, it's better than it sounds. You know you want to give Harry some milk and cookies. You know you just want to.

31 Horrors of October: Zombi 2-25th Anniversary Edition

A supposed (and classic Italian) zombie flick is always a great watch, especially when there are scenes involving a woman's eye being stabbed onto a jagged piece of wood when trying to escape the grasp of the un-dead and people being eaten and eviscerated before your very eyes. Lucio Fulci wanted this to be a sequel to George Romero's brilliant zom-basterpiece Dawn of the Dead. It's not quite that, and it really just carries the torch in title only. That being said zits and zombies, this must be watched by all of you this Halloween season. I'm getting hungry for some brains. Let me see if there's still some propane left in my tank for the grill. Give me a minute.